Women who forget not everyone has access to money from men

[windygallows]

With 34.5% of the population aged over 16 in England ‘single and not cohabiting’ (2015 stats), it’s clear that a significant number of women in the UK, many parents, are single and having to fend for themselves/live on one income.

Yet I'm amazed at the number of women who forget that not every woman has access to a second income from a partner. In fact the privilege of having access to another’s (usually a man’s) income is often naturalized and many women are, or become, totally oblivious to this privilege.

For example just this last week I experienced:

• A woman at work going on and on about the importance of her life/work balance and suggesting I drop my hours to have similar. She works just 2 days/week and seems to forget that such a setup is an absolute privilege, thanks to a husband who works FT.

• Another woman I know who is on quite a low salary bragging about her 3 luxury holidays per year, again thanks to the income from an IT Director husband. She thought she'd give me travel tips in case I wanted to go to the same 5star holiday.

There are a million reasons why women might have to rely on men’s income but I don’t think I ABU in asking women to recognize that their lifestyle and having access to men’s money isn’t the NORM for up to 1/3 of women, who are having to get by on their own accord and lack the same privilege or financial flexibility.

It sounds like they are being tactless about being better off for whatever reason, just ignore.

Grasspigeon

True fact 😁

It is also disingenuous to pretend that being able to be a SAHM isn’t a privilege

This made me chuckle, as I actually posted on a previous thread (which i still stand by) that I think it is a privilege to be able to stay at home with my son and other posters jumped all over me 😂😂😂😂

It's just so narrow minded to think that all these poor old women are so blind, have no self respect and unaware of "what could happen" that they just stupidly stay at home without thinking of the future or weighing up any "risks".

Well I know what is happening, is my son is only a baby once, fact. And I want, choose and have made an informed decision that I will stay home with him and I am more than capable of coping with what might happen,

What's happened here, OP, is that you've met some rather insensitive people who have made silly assumptions without thinking. And then you've tried to garner some sympathy by making some equally silly and insensitive comments of your own.

Hopefully what you've now discovered is that making sweeping generalisations about other people's situations is, well, a bit crass.

Couldn’t agree more OP.

I know numerous women who constantly seem to forget they wouldn’t be where they are in life without being financed by a man.

One friend in particular who’s never worked a day since having DC and actively looks down her nose at people who don’t have the clothes, cars, makeup, lifestyle she does. The amount of times I’ve bitten my tongue to not remind her she only has them by dint of her husband.

Sick of women saying “well he wouldn’t have his career without me to support him”

Of course he bloody would! You’d still end up with the kids to look after and he’d hire some one else to clean up after him and cook his dinners

@that25cUKHeatwaveof2019

If your on min wage and your salary is low enough that it makes more financial sense to stay home than go to work then you are even more privileged to have a partner to share the cost of living with frankly! Imagine being on that salary and being by yourself

Imagine being on that salary and being by yourself

then you stay at home but get help? That's what people end up doing.

I don't think women who have to stay home because they can't afford to go to work consider that a privilege frankly. not having a choice in something never is.

I doubt the single mums who don’t find it cost effective to work because of childcare fees are the same mums bragging about their holidays abroad etc somehow!

Totally agree @NammieF.

Nobody in this world isn’t replaceable yet, some people think they are. Utterly deluded

I work part time as we have preschoolers. 3 days a week. I previously worked FT. My DH still works FT.

I earn more part time than he does full time.

Your post seems to assume that the man always gets paid more.

Yes Nammie because most people that have to work around strict nursery/childminder pick up/collection times, last minute work trips and networking dinners are easily able to sail up the career ladder without any support to care for their children that they are equally responsible for

So of course the wife in your example doing 100% of childcare is enabling his career progression.

But we’re not talking about the women who earn more than their husbands.

We’re talking about women like my friend. She needed a new sofa as the loaf one she had in the living room was uncomfortable. I recommended one in the style she wanted from a shop nearby and she lol’d and said ew no, I’ll get one from x shop.

She seems to have no realisation that without her husband funding her she’d have no sofa to sit on at all, let alone find herself in the position of sneering at other people.

Op you've met a couple of insensitive and naive individuals. It's odd to jump from that to a massive sweeping statement on all women who share finances with their husbands.

Do people not see though, in cases like that she has helped him to be able to focus on his career, I agree there are very few people who are indispensable, but he has been able to go to work and solely concentrate on that knowing that the children are well looked after by their mother.

He doesn't have to dash out of a meeting if the childminder phones in sick or just doesn't show to collect the kids, he doesn't have to worry about the transition period for his children with the new childminder, or worry if the kids are sad because they don't like said childminder.

When DH and I got married, his asset base was roughly double mine. Since then, his parents have obligingly died and left him with a larger wadge of assets, which are invested and growing.

Mind you, shortly after we married, he was made redundant from his job at which he earned 1.5x what I did, and I supported us financially while he retrained into a lower paying career. A few years later, I got made redundant and he supported me for a while, while I looked around and then retrained.

At the moment, I bring in about half of our household income, and also provide our home, because I get job-related accommodation. He works part-time and brings in about a quarter of our household income, while the house we own but let out (and will live in when we retire) brings in the other quarter.

So, who is supporting whom? We’ve taken it in turns, as circumstances have changed. And because of our combined assets when we married, plus living well within our means, plus our inheritance, we will be able to retire early. This has nothing whatsoever to do with him being male and me being female. It has to do with the jobs we’ve done, the way we’ve lived, and the frugal lifestyle of his parents.

I understand why people being ignorant to your needs / situation would be irritating at best. But my husband is a full time stay at home parent so no ‘Male money’ here.

@NammieF you are seriously devaluing the role of a stay at home parent. We used to be a 2 parent working family & it was just so tough. Dashing out for pick ups, stressed morning commutes, phone calls from Nursery & juggling sick children. My husband becoming a full time stay at home parent has been an absolute blessing & I have since been promoted. I mean sure I could pay for a nanny, a cook & a cleaner - but why does that make the work worthless? My job is also just down to its financial components also. You say her work isn’t relevant to the household because someone else could be paid to do it, but his is relevant....because what?!

I think people are spectacularly missing the point that the OP is trying to get across is that things can be more difficult if you don’t have a partner to share the load with. Whether that load be financial or otherwise.

That’s great if one partner being a SAHP works for you as a couple but the work/cost of living and having children doesn’t decrease if you are single. It’s not a dig at anyone being a SAHP just acknowledging that to compress someone who has to do and pay for everything themselves they are fortunate.

Compared not compress!

Stating the bleeding obvious much?

I am not sure I get your point OP

The gender pay gap really kicks in with a vengeance after people have kids.

If you're talking about single women rather than single mothers then they probably have more money than if they are with a partner and have kids. If hey are childless they will have more flexibility and higher earning potential and no dependents.

If you're talking favour single parents then that's another matter

I went on loads more holidays as a single 20 something than a married mother

@MotherOfDragons90 my comment was more in response to another poster devaluing the SAHP role.

OP is hitting a different issue really which is that life is tough on a single income. But I feel that too as a woman who’s the only earner & the extra adult to feed etc

It's a real shame that you have no female role models with well-paid careers @windygallows, in fact it's actually horrifying that you can't envisage earning money yourself rather than relying on a man for money. It's ok to feel jealous if someone brags about something you want, but if you could use that energy to inspire yourself to achieve more then it would enhance your life. We're all capable of achieving more if we put our focus in the right place. It's up to you; keep putting out every excuse, or use that energy to improve your career.

nothing wrong with prioritising other things like your children first
The priority needs to be you. The kids wont keep you in old age, the man will likely leave for someone else. I would much rather a council house I can afford than a mansion a man is paying for. Both me and the kids are secure in only one of those. Of course there are in betweens. But I'd never take luxuries from a man, theyre only on loan till the next one comes along, marriage or not.