Women who forget not everyone has access to money from men

[windygallows]

With 34.5% of the population aged over 16 in England ‘single and not cohabiting’ (2015 stats), it’s clear that a significant number of women in the UK, many parents, are single and having to fend for themselves/live on one income.

Yet I'm amazed at the number of women who forget that not every woman has access to a second income from a partner. In fact the privilege of having access to another’s (usually a man’s) income is often naturalized and many women are, or become, totally oblivious to this privilege.

For example just this last week I experienced:

• A woman at work going on and on about the importance of her life/work balance and suggesting I drop my hours to have similar. She works just 2 days/week and seems to forget that such a setup is an absolute privilege, thanks to a husband who works FT.

• Another woman I know who is on quite a low salary bragging about her 3 luxury holidays per year, again thanks to the income from an IT Director husband. She thought she'd give me travel tips in case I wanted to go to the same 5star holiday.

There are a million reasons why women might have to rely on men’s income but I don’t think I ABU in asking women to recognize that their lifestyle and having access to men’s money isn’t the NORM for up to 1/3 of women, who are having to get by on their own accord and lack the same privilege or financial flexibility.

They just sound like rude insensitive people to me. You get men like that too.

Some women earn similar or more than their partners - not all of the 2/3s are supported by men.

Where are your numbers from?

Pity them, their chickens sadly, statistically, will come in to roost at some point in the future - most likely when they are too old to easily recover their life.

You’re a peach, aren’t you? Not all of us have the choice between working and not working. I’m disabled and too ill to work. Thank god im lucky to have a dh, who earns well.

YABU. I am a SAHM mum raised by a single mother. No maintenance as my dad was dead. I don’t assume anything about anyone’s situation. Maybe you are assuming that I assume, in which case it’s your own issue to work out with yourself.

"and women are more likely to work part-time and do reduced hours if they are in employment."

are they if they are single and not cohabiting? surely the women you talk of more likely to work part time on reduced hours is down to them generally having children, or a pension, or child support, or another income at home....or are you saying they can earn enough to live on with less hours than men?

Wtf @PicsInRed speak for yourself.

@Doobigetta
But the other side of the coin is that we have independence and self respect. You can’t buy those. It’s annoying but you really can’t let stuff like this get to you.
I have plenty of independence and self respect thanks.
I’m not in the business of judging other people’s choices for thier family.
I work 2 days a week because I enjoy my professional role but also someone needs to be able to pick kids up from school take them to activities plus keep the household ticking over.
It makes sense for DH to work full time as her earns around £120,000 if I worked full time my salary would be around £40,000.

Maybe it's the kind of thing you have to live/experience to understand

I don't think I ever will experience it, though. It just sounds like people with different lifestyles talking... no matter how you hear it! I couldn't care if Mary at the desk opposite can afford beach holidays 3 times a year cos her husband has a good job. Good luck to them, it has bugger all to do with me and is absolutely no reflection on my life!!

The other side of the coin is shorter working hours means inflated tax credits, usually far and above what a full time salary might be.

I am a single parent, so whilst I sort of see where you are coming from (because I’m broke, don’t get maintenance, and dear god life is hard sometimes) But I really can’t get worked up about it. Families come in all different shapes and sizes - yes it’s easier if there are 2 incomes, yes people forget that you might not be able to have the same standard of life as them, but everyone has their struggles.

You will find life tougher and become more bitter if you concentrate on other people. Be glad for the things you have in your life, rather than focusing on what you don’t have. Be proud of what you have achieved yourself. Be proud of your friends for their achievements, even if they are different to your own. It’s not a competition!

I sort of agree, OP, albeit from a different position. My DH is disabled and unable to work, and the DWP in their wisdom have decided he is too well for benefits despite having a progressive disease so I am sole breadwinner for both of us. I work with a couple of women who know that I'm married but not about DH's ill health, and they do seem to make a lot of assumptions about our family income - expressing surprise that I can't afford foreign holidays or that I use public transport rather than buying a new car, for example. One of them is very much the classic/old-fashioned wife working part time for 'pin money' (a phrase she uses herself) and she seems to find it difficult to understand that her situation is not the norm.

With 34.5% of the population aged over 16 in England ‘single and not cohabiting’ (2015 stats),

And a large proportion of those will be live-at-homes with bank of M&D supporting them; and furter tranche will be widows, with a husbands pension supporting them.

It's not a privilege at all. How is being married a privilege.
What about those stuck in an unhappy marriage, they certainly aren't privileged even if they do have access to two incomes.

People sometimes say things without thinking.

It is reasonable to be frustrated with people who give advice as if their financial or other situation is universal, more so when they act like being able to follow said advice (which is often more to fit their circumstances than purposefully chosen to fit an ideal) makes them superior.

I don't think this is just women who have male partners or spouses who earn more that do this though. I know plenty who have parents who helped out financially or practically who can't wrap their minds around not all of us having parents around or who can do that kind of help. My in-laws, lovely as they were, constantly gave financial or other advice that worked great for them in '80s that was absolutely obsolete in the '00s. With people like that, there aren't many options other than correct them and accept they may ignore you or get pissed at you, smile/nod/change the topic, or avoid the people who do this.

What a bizarre premis.

Sorry you are a single parent but hey, life's not fair.

It's not a privilege at all. How is being married a privilege.

If you don't know that it is a privilege then you are blind to the many benefits, both financial and social, that a society that preferences marriage offers.

2018 published ONS data for 2017.
Population at the time approx 66 million.
According to your percentage over 18.4 mil people aged 16+ live by themselves or as a single parent.
Population aged 16+ was 53.5 mil from that 10.5 mil lives alone or as a single parent household.
That's a massive difference in numbers.
www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/populationandmigration/populationestimates/articles/overviewoftheukpopulation/november2018

However, I do get the sentiment of what you were saying.

It is far from being just women who think like this. Most men I've worked with over the years have assumed that I'm only at work for 'pin money' and that the household is mainly supported by dh's salary.

Windy - But why would any if this come as a massive shock to you?

Have you only just realised that in a marriage, people tend to have access to each other’s money?

What would you like people to do? Divorce?

There will always be people with more money than you, married or otherwise. That’s life. I don’t see the point of this thread.

Agh. Hit send to early.
The difference surprised me because they usually show increase or decrease between x and y years and they are in this case 7% between 2007 nqd 2017. The 34.5% just looks oddly out of place.

You sound rather envious about a couple of offhand comments, TBH.

With 34.5% of the population aged over 16 in England ‘single and not cohabiting’ (2015 stats), it’s clear that a significant number of women people in the UK, many parents, are single and having to fend for themselves/live on one income.

Yet I'm amazed at the number of women people who forget that not every women person has access to a second income from a partner. In fact the privilege of having access to another’s (usually a man partner's) income is often naturalized and many women people are, or become, totally oblivious to this privilege.

Have just tidied this up for you.

What Tall said. And Twirly your post was brilliant

OP (and some others) seem a bit judgy to families who pool time/money/effort To imply we're all inevitably destined for divorce is nasty.

I'm also a SAHM do I qualify for bonus insults?

Bizarre and sexist take on what is actually just the plain old common problem of other people not knowing/noticing your different levels of disposable income. This starts in childhood and is certainly not sex-specific, or for "smug-marrieds" only

I know what you mean, OP.

I'm single and live alone, and have my own business + take on freelance work. Especially in the creative field you often hear women talk about "doing what you love" and getting out of the 9-5 to be artists or selling handmade... In reality though it's a lot easier to do that if you have a partner to share the household costs with, especially as many have a partner who supports them when they are SAHM and do their art on the side...