Women who forget not everyone has access to money from men

[windygallows]

With 34.5% of the population aged over 16 in England ‘single and not cohabiting’ (2015 stats), it’s clear that a significant number of women in the UK, many parents, are single and having to fend for themselves/live on one income.

Yet I'm amazed at the number of women who forget that not every woman has access to a second income from a partner. In fact the privilege of having access to another’s (usually a man’s) income is often naturalized and many women are, or become, totally oblivious to this privilege.

For example just this last week I experienced:

• A woman at work going on and on about the importance of her life/work balance and suggesting I drop my hours to have similar. She works just 2 days/week and seems to forget that such a setup is an absolute privilege, thanks to a husband who works FT.

• Another woman I know who is on quite a low salary bragging about her 3 luxury holidays per year, again thanks to the income from an IT Director husband. She thought she'd give me travel tips in case I wanted to go to the same 5star holiday.

There are a million reasons why women might have to rely on men’s income but I don’t think I ABU in asking women to recognize that their lifestyle and having access to men’s money isn’t the NORM for up to 1/3 of women, who are having to get by on their own accord and lack the same privilege or financial flexibility.

Are you a journalist Windy?

Why do you start so many threads about “women who live off men?”

What do you get out if it?

dreichhighlands

you start to think it's totally normal....for a grown adult to have someone else pay for every aspect of her life ..

It’s not ‘someone else paying’ it’s a marriage, a partnership, a family and they live out of the family pot.

My DH is happy with our work balance - he comes home to a clean organised home, shopping and washing done, meal sorted and all school stuff for our 4 sorted.
I book appointments, pay bills organise repairs and mot’s - whatever. All he needs to worry about is his business. When I was working he had to do half of these tasks and we were forever juggling things and treading water.
I grew to dislike my job, my income as a teacher had little impact on our family finances so I had a year off.
We were both less stressed and happier with this set up so I never went back.
It wouldn’t work for all but it works for us.
I just don’t understand all the bad feeling and judgement - just go and do your thing and I’ll do mine.
There isn’t a right and wrong,

I agree tigertooth I had highlighted a previous poster.
Then went on to disagree with them.

I think there is a real issue with being in a couple being seen as the norm and a lack of understanding of the financial reality of single life, with or without children. A single person has to pay full costs for almost everything, whereas those in relationship have similar costs for rent, household bills etc as a single person. Even council tax which is discounted is only discounted by 25% for a single person which is very odd.

A ‘friend’ is really into her network marketing and often posts about her “freedom lifestyle” including spa visits and multiple meals out. What she doesn’t mention is that hubby is an investment banker and she is a kept woman.

@Zaeem5. No need to write essays about how great your set up is or why I'm so flawed. You're just exacerbating the problem and showcasing that you're in bit of a bubble.

I'm not a DM journalist and I don't think my POV is that unique. Most of the singletons on here have understood my POV. Ain't nothing wrong with questioning hegemony

I get you. I hear it all the time... I'm single with 4 kids and I do struggle 😔. All my friends rely on their partners wage and don't understand why I struggle so much financially because there's only one of me!

If you make a good marriage and pool resources, so much better for you and offspring. If you decide to go it alone, hard, but can be done. Don’t understand why you are judging them. Lucky for those who do make it, with or without a partner.

I think the phrasing in the OP is very provocative and causing a bit of problems.

If the AIBU is about two income households forgetting that 1/3 of the population live on single income. Then you are not BU. Lets just take the genders and weird sexism out of this.

I do think that people in general have hard time with empathy and kind of assume that everyone is in a similar situation that they are in.

I am SAHP and I like it. I have a backup plan if we divorce. But what is single parents backup plan if they fall ill and can't work anymore or only part time?

banskuwansku Possibly one of the rudest comments I've seen on MN ever.

@windygallows Can I just ask why it is the rudest thing ever to ask a single parent what their back up plan is, but it's not rude to ask a married women what their back up plan is for when their husband runs off with someone else ?

why is it even necessary to pick apart how people choose to spend their money and how many hours they work? It’s hardly rocket science that married couples will have more money by pooling resources which means they have greater choice over the hours they work and holidays they take.
It’s a fantastic position to be in and they probably didn’t mean to offend

Because usually single parents are already on their backup plans

My last comment in reply to Bourbonbiccy but not showing as that for some reason.

I definitely hear you. I resent being told by people who are SAHMs or one day a weekers while living off their well paid partners that I am letting DC down by working full time.
DH's job has some very great perks but he earns less than half of my wage in salary.

What about those of us who don't have a back up plan, haven't needed one because our marriages are solid, but then their DH dies and suddenly you are a single parent with a shitload of money to pay out on funeral expenses and trying to get a mortgage on the family home on one income to keep a roof over our heads? We pooled all of our money and I actually earned more than him, but the widow's pension I receive is less than £150 per month.

@Babyfacemortified I can see how that's the case, but then do you need a new back up plan in case something changes in your "new" position.

sorry It was aimed at the OP as they said it was probably the rudest thing on MN, (but the I realised they followed it up with" But well done you for finding a man - bet that's your best life's achievement!! " and realised they obviously have no concept of rude.

I actually don't find that question any more rude than insinuating my husband will ultimately be unfaithful, I have no self respect.

" I work in an admin role with a few women whose husbands have good jobs, and some of them do seem to forget that we don’t get paid enough to afford exotic holidays and expensive cars, and have made thoughtless comments to others."

Yes, I agree and have experienced this as well.

It's not just living on one income though. Some people are just oblivious to how the other half lives e.g. someone told me people didn't have to work full time, they could just work part time and take in a lodger. Well, to take in a lodger you have to be privileged enough to own your own home and have a spare room. Clearly not an option for lots of people.

"I think there is a real issue with being in a couple being seen as the norm and a lack of understanding of the financial reality of single life, with or without children."

Yes, I've seen people on MN doubting that life is more expensive as a single person. They're a minority to be fair, but they do exist.

We have a nice lifestyle thanks to both our incomes, but yes, mostly DH's. I work part tome (only just!), in order to be able to pick DC up from school.

I do think I am extremely lucky, and would never in a million years tell my single Mum friends that they should think about reducing their hours, or doing X, Y, Z.

How cringe.

While I have no time for a lot of the nonsense on this thread it is definitely true that single adults have higher living costs than those in pairs.

I think perhaps Windy Gallows has been misunderstood & feeling inadequate irl . Everybody is entitled to live how they want to in whatever arrangement but some people do feel marginalised. In my own sit I have 2 children , I didn’t marry and do not receive a penny for them. I stopped contact for safety.
As a once successful career woman with a comfortable life , the contrast is stark, now impossible to have my previous career and raise young children without any support financial or otherwise, we live on the poverty line literally with a staggeringly low income.
Yet my ex’s career goes from strength, as do his frequent holidays, as he Does what he likes. I think the OP is referring to how it makes you feel inadequate in those situations, regardless of wether anyone thinks it’s unreasonable or not.
Which isn’t anyone’s fault but life for a single woman , particularly mum can be shit depending on your circumstance but life can be more shit if you have to rely on a partner who maybe womanises or is abusive or likes to control the dependant partner financially and remind them whose paying. It’s horrible when children have to go without though.

I certainly know women in very unhappy marriages because their husband is wealthy and either/or they don't want to work or lose the lifestyle to which they are accustomed. Sadly it often also means turning a blind eye to things suxh as affairs and other unreasonable behaviours.
Not for me personally, but I guess it's a matter of what matters to them the most.

Often people’s circumstances change and the higher earning partner becomes the lower. An independent married women with a career can find her job does not pay enough to justify childcare costs and she and her DH decide she will become a SAHM. Many other circumstances dictate how people’s incomes differ from that of each other and how their own fluctuates over time.

What is in question is the awareness and tact individuals deploy about being in fortunate circumstances. If you are well off, then it is unempathetic and poor manners to rub another less fortunate soul’s nose in your own good fortune. It is clearly bad form to boast about multiple holidays to a single parent who can barely keep her family’s head above water.

On the other hand, thee is a horrible tendency these days to harbour resentment and envy for others who are better off in the name of a spurious ‘equality’ which has never, hitherto, existed, and cannot exist. The Resolution Foundation actively encourages intergenerational envy and the Left’s championing of equality causes jealousy, bitterness and anger.

Envying the lot of others is pointless and causes a toxic and corrosive bitterness in the jealous person’s life.

I have seen this situation from both sides. I was the very poor DD of a divorced mother with no money, prospects or chance of an inheritance. I married a trainee journalist, became a teacher and we both worked full time for decades to pay a mortgage and bring up our children. We were comparatively poor as we live in one of the wealthiest areas in the country. We never let envy ruin our lives or that of our children even when we knew CEO’s, bankers, professionals and those who inherited £millions.

When we had, through our own continued efforts, done quite well for ourselves with a nice house we developed over thirty years from a small, neglected place to a large detached house, we found that friends and family started being jealous of us and making horrible remarks about our being ‘rich’. We had not envied others but our lives were made miserable by others envying us. It would be laughable were it not painful.

Don’t be that person, OP. Rise above it. If others boast of their riches and life chances ignore their crassness and lack of manners. Focus on your own successes in bringing up your children well and independently. And don’t, when your circumstances are better as they will be, make others feel poor!

banskuwansku Possibly one of the rudest comments I've seen on MN ever. Better get myself on Tinder pronto and start selling my wares to ensure my financial security. But well done you for finding a man - bet that's your best life's achievement!!

This was bitchy and unnecessary. I think it's clear that the poster had no intentions of being rude but that you have intentionally misunderstood so you could just have a go. Not cool.

Not disagreeing with all of your posts, I do with some, but you very much come across as a person who doesn't respect others' choices or opinions which is a shame as it's clear you want no debate or conversation - just to preach.

This also appears to be a deliberately goady thread. Never quite sure what people get out of that.