Women who forget not everyone has access to money from men

[windygallows]

With 34.5% of the population aged over 16 in England ‘single and not cohabiting’ (2015 stats), it’s clear that a significant number of women in the UK, many parents, are single and having to fend for themselves/live on one income.

Yet I'm amazed at the number of women who forget that not every woman has access to a second income from a partner. In fact the privilege of having access to another’s (usually a man’s) income is often naturalized and many women are, or become, totally oblivious to this privilege.

For example just this last week I experienced:

• A woman at work going on and on about the importance of her life/work balance and suggesting I drop my hours to have similar. She works just 2 days/week and seems to forget that such a setup is an absolute privilege, thanks to a husband who works FT.

• Another woman I know who is on quite a low salary bragging about her 3 luxury holidays per year, again thanks to the income from an IT Director husband. She thought she'd give me travel tips in case I wanted to go to the same 5star holiday.

There are a million reasons why women might have to rely on men’s income but I don’t think I ABU in asking women to recognize that their lifestyle and having access to men’s money isn’t the NORM for up to 1/3 of women, who are having to get by on their own accord and lack the same privilege or financial flexibility.

I haven’t read the thread but I’m married and entirely independent financially from my husband.

Unfortunately he has a sponging bastard ex wife who he has to pay fucking spousal maintnenance to for the next 100 years (despite him being on a modest wage)! If this isn’t a sign of an outdated society and unfairness in the extreme I don’t know what is.

I earn my own money and certainly dont giain independance and respect from that. I sometimes wish a hubby would pay for things. Stop being all girl power plzzz

I’d love my husband to treat me occasionally or pay for a holiday, I’m defo not in the girl power brigade, sadly he’s paying for ex wife’s holidays for the foreseeable.

I don’t think I could ever be a second wife, I would prefer to be single, or a step mum, I take my hat off to all those wonderful step parents, such a hard type rope to walk.

I contribute equally to our household. We don't have luxuries by any means. I know quite a few married women who are hugely privileged due to their husbands salary ie having the choice not to work. However I also know several single parent women who's ex partners totally facilitate their lifestyle. Ie because they've had kids with them even though they're split they feel entitled to a paid for lifestyle. One woman her ex pays for her house, car, phone and £1k a month maintenance and she doesn't have to work and he has the kids just under half the time.

I think I would be “persona non grata” as far as Windy is concerned because I haven’t earned a penny since I was 6 months pregnant with DS1 - and now he’s 16. We have 2 other children, 14 and 11.

As far as “access to a man’s money” goes, we just don’t think of it like this at all. My situation is totally normal in the social circle we’re in and not many women work at all. None of them think of their day-to-day spending as “a man’s money” - how odd. It just doesn’t enter anyone’s head. I do know two or three women who are single mums at the schools, but I think they get supported via CM for the children and the ex DHs pay the school fees and have the kids a few night a week. I don’t think of them as “struggling” as such. No idea if they get irritated by the majority of women who are married, though I very much doubt it. They’re free to meet someone else anyway, if that’s what they prefer.

I don’t feel financially vulnerable because even if we did divorce, I’d still be way better off financially than if I’d stayed working and single for the last 16 years. My husband prefers me to be at home and around for the DC - this is if more value to him than any salary I could earn and he was clear about this from the outset. He travels a lot and works well beyond normal levels and I guess he wanted a wife to compensate for that. He himself would admit that. He is quite high-maintenance in his own way and it takes a certain kind of woman to cope with that maybe? He doesn’t restrict money in any way because he doesn’t need to. Whatever I spend he wouid trust my judgement and vice versa and our priority is the DC first and foremost anyway. I don’t think any of this is unusual at all. To me, this is just a normal family dynamic and set-up, so I’m always fascinated to read that people on MN have such strong views on my life - or any view whatsoever really.

PicsInRed

Relying financially on a man isn't privilege, but total and utter naivety. It's blind foolishness.

Pity them, their chickens sadly, statistically, will come in to roost at some point in the future - most likely when they are too old to easily recover their life.

Why so bitter and cynical?
I’m not working, I enjoy being a SAHM - I have 50% share in his business and properties so if marriage went tits up I’d be fine, plus he’s not a bastard so he’d make sure that me and 4 kids were fine.

Just live your life - you sound so bitter, this arrangement suits us, he earns plenty to keep us all and I have time to run the home and childcare. I like it - he likes it - kids like it. Just do your thing and let others do theirs without being so nasty.

Whatthefoxgoingon
But the other side of the coin is that we have independence and self respect

I know lots of SAHM’s -All have independence and self respect.

It’s not like we have to ask for a fiver for tampax!
Joint bank account - he goes to work and I run the home.
It suits us.
I just don’t get why this bothers working women so much.

I also know two couples where the woman works - one is very high in M&S and the other a Gp.
Husbands are a builder and an artist so they stay at home as DW makes more money.

It’s fine - just do your thing and stop bleating.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

Privileged people being oblivious to their privilege is always irritating & not exclusive to women. For example home owners who can’t relate to families paying more than they do to rent somewhere half the size & continually be booted out. (I am an owner I’m just aware of my fortune.) People who get cash handouts from wealthy relatives for deposits / weddings etc.

The issue you have is that they’re oblivious to their status so their comments feel insensitive to your situation. But making it about gender is missing the point really. If you had a relationship with a woman who brought a second income in to your house you’d be just as privileged as them!

Emotive comments on this thread. In my opinion it's good to remind people gently or in a jokey way why you can't do these things on one income, or without one high income. Bills can be unbelievable these days so even joint incomes can struggle with 5* holidays. No shame in this, there are many things far more important than money.

I ‘had’ friend who
Last year wanted my dd to accompany her dd and family to Disney Florida. I couldn’t afford so thought I’d be straight and say simply I couldn’t afford to let dd go thought she’d understand as have I have been widowed since dd very young but she proceeded to lecture me on how her sister had three kids and could afford to do this (sister married with high earning OH) I was very hurt she is now ex friend. Anybody that doesn’t enhance you life is not a good influence on your wellbeing imo.

@Zaeem5 - I don't see you as persona non grata and I certainly wouldn't want to have that set up as you sound a bit like you are a defacto mommy to your husband.

But you sort of fulfilled the point of this thread by saying 'To me, this is just a normal family dynamic and set-up...' --- when you've been in it for so long and surround yourself with others who are the same, you start to think it's totally normal....for a grown adult to have someone else pay for every aspect of her life and assume others have the same.

So what do you actually want people to do exactly? Zaeem5, I didn't ask for action in my OP I asked for a recognition and understanding that for many many women marriage or a partnership is not the norm and being financially facilitated by a partner is also increasingly NOT the norm and that there should be a recognition of this through behaviours and an increased consciousness.

I am SAHP and I like it. I have a backup plan if we divorce. But what is single parents backup plan if they fall ill and can't work anymore or only part time?

banskuwansku Possibly one of the rudest comments I've seen on MN ever. Better get myself on Tinder pronto and start selling my wares to ensure my financial security. But well done you for finding a man - bet that's your best life's achievement!!

Can you imagine if you said that to someone who was widowed or someone who was just so hideous they couldn't find someone to latch onto? This is the kind of smugness that I flagged up in my OP.

I once worked with a woman who said she only worked because she was bored at home and her wages was playtime money whilst i was a single mum of 2 she hammered the overtime whilst i could only get a few extra hours now and again .

Windygallows I totally get where you are coming from x
...and from both men and women who basically have no appreciation for the fact that either their work lifestyle or home lifestyle wouldn’t be possible if it wasn’t for the other person

Paaahhh ‘access to a mans money’ fs!

So what, they were incentive! Sounds like you’ve got a touch of green eye!

Peoples situations are different, that’s life. Money isn’t happiness.
I see other mums driving spanking new cars, I don’t go on thinking ‘oh d9n5 they give sh¥t about me driving my banger, how rude’. Usually I think, ‘nice car, but I’m glad I needent worry where I park my banger’

@windygallows someone upthread mentioned that you go on a bit about this.

Why are you so fixated? Allowing your jealousy to affect you this much isn’t healthy. I genuinely think you should consider seeing someone.

“you start to think it's totally normal....for a grown adult to have someone else pay for every aspect of her life ..”

Windy - can you not see how your agenda betrays you?

“Grown adult” indeed. Yes I am a grown adult and so is my husband and as such we have taken the decision (as grown adults are at liberty to do) to orgsnise our lives in a way that is mutually beneficial to both of us and to our DC.

Or are you only a “grown adult” if you earn money?

Your agenda is clear with this thread, as it always is, so I don’t know why you don’t just come out and say it.

I’m hardly a ”de facto mother” to my husband. We support each other in our various ways because that’s common sense to us.

When I say that most people I know are similar to us and that this is my normal because we’ve lived this way for 16 years, we’ll that’s the truth. The difference is, I wouldn’t presume to judge anyone in different circumstances to my “normal” as I couldn’t care less. In contrast, you are judging people from your particular “normal”, even though I think most single mums wouldn’t take your view. I don’t know why you bother.

But yes, of course nobody should presume anything about anyone else’s finances or expect other people to be similar to them in this respect be they married, cohabiting single or not. This is obvious. Newsflash - some people may not always be very tactful, but this has nothing whatsoever to do with anyone’s marital status, does it?

And as for the poster who asked what is your back up plan if you are ever incapacitated, well yes, that might sound harsh. But how many times are SAHMs on these threads asked what is their back up plan when the DH inevitably runs off with a younger model? Is that not equally rude? You can’t have it both ways.

There's a reasonable point in there in that we do live in a society that increasingly expects a two income, two person set up. Our house prices, the expectations about what is appropriate for children, so much of this is centred around couples. Of course life is often easier when one has access to a partner's resources, and not just financial either. Time, connections, skills.

However you did do a bit of a shit on your reasonable point by only complaining about women doing it. Inevitably opening yourself up to accusations of sexism there. And I think it's quite short sighted just to look at it in terms of money, because there's also a big problem with more old fashioned workplaces assuming there's another partner at home who can pick up the childcare slack. I know mothers working at senior level often report this, and they're probably more likely than average to be higher earners.

you start to think it's totally normal....for a grown adult to have someone else pay for every aspect of her life

OP there’s no helping you. I tried to see your point - but you’re making it more & more clear that you simply do not view women who work part time as having equal value to you.

@Zaeem5 always worth remembering there’s always a chance OP is being deliberately antagonistic & is a DM journo or similar.

I work and my husband is at home full time with the children. All of our lives but especially my own, have improved with the luxury (I appreciate it is a luxury) of affording him at home. My promotion since being able to commit to my work, the fact I no longer get called away regularly to assist my disabled child, are a direct result of that luxury. I earn more as a result. I’m happier as a result. The children are better cared for as a result (because we were struggling a lot, not because other working households don’t do a great job).

But I’m supposed to view him as beneath me?!

Your resentment does you no favours.

you start to think it's totally normal....for a grown adult to have someone else pay for every aspect of her life ..”

What I think is perfectly normal is for an adult to make an informed decision about that the best way for them to run their life and help support their family is. Each adult isn't coming to come up with the same answer, that doesn't mean that there is only one right answer. The same adult may come up with different answers at different times in their lives.
This is as true for men as it is for women.