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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think he should be paying more?

125 replies

Aqueo517 · 05/07/2019 12:54

Split with DH a couple of years ago, we have 2 children together. He earns 3k a month and pays me £400 per month. He’s living with his brother so has none of the usual household bills (I know this for a fact, he doesn’t contribute, his brother owes him so this is his way of paying him back until he buys his own place).

In the mean time I’m struggling to cover all the costs of having 2 children. Aibu to think that while he’s living the life of Riley he could help me out a bit more?

OP posts:

Whathappenedtooursummer · 05/07/2019 12:55

Have cms fixed the amount?

MustardScreams · 05/07/2019 12:57

How often does he have the dc overnight? Have you gone through CMS? Doing a very rough estimate with your details it should be around £480 per month if he has 1 or less than 1 overnight a week.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 05/07/2019 12:57

Is this the CMS amount?

I have to say, though, that the amount CMS is the absolute minimum and if it's possible to pay more, you should. The whole "I pay what the CMS tell me to" is a get-out because any self-respecting NRP would contribute whenever they're able to.

Original poster

Aqueo517 · 05/07/2019 12:57

Yes they won’t take into account his outgoings.

OP posts:

MyOpinionIsValid · 05/07/2019 13:03

Assuming he has no other children, assuming his 3,00 per month is the equivalent to 36K per annum (gross), assuming he has the children 1 night a week , assuming you claim no benefits whatsoever- your CM comes out at :

www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance/y/receive/2_children/none/692.0/0/1

Your child maintenance payment is the basic rate of £95 per week. This is an estimate. The exact amount the Child Maintenance Service calculates may be different.

What your DH spends his money on (rent or otherwise) or where he lives, is utterly irrelevant.

Morally he could help out more.

Pinkmalinky · 05/07/2019 13:21

You’re being paid enough according to CMS. They don’t care what his outgoings are at all. Sorry but you’re fairly lucky getting so much, I get half that for three DC.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 05/07/2019 13:33

At 3k a month he’s paying more than he should.

Anchormann · 05/07/2019 13:42

He's probably saving to buy a place to live

Give the guy a break as he's entitled to a roof over his head too

Pleasebeafleabite · 05/07/2019 13:48

Is 3k after tax? Is he having them at all

bringthethunder · 05/07/2019 13:49

Another one here who thinks that's a reasonable amount and that his outgoings aren't really your business, quite frankly. For all you know he is saving for a mortgage, tuition fees for the kids, or up to his eyeballs in debt. I've been divorced 9 years and get the grand total of ZERO each month with two children, so I think £400pm is pretty decent (I appreciate everyone is different and that my situation is not necessarily the norm)

If you are struggling wit the costs of the kids I think you should instead focus on your own income/expenditure and whether you need to return to work/increase hours/change roles and what you can cut down on etc - as opposed to passing that responsibility to the ex who pays what he is legally told to (I agree that if he paid more it would be nice but how often does that happen?!)

Pleasebeafleabite · 05/07/2019 13:59

Yes OP be grateful for getting MORE THAN ZERO

Plenty of NRPs pay in excess of CMA - just not on MN where a hundred quid and a swimming lesson gets you the Absent Father of the year award

arethereanyleftatall · 05/07/2019 14:01

Whilst he could morally pay you more I agree;
if his brother owes him, he is technically paying to stay there. It's the equivalent of his brother paying him back in cash, then him giving the cash back in rent, so he is.

AngelsSins · 05/07/2019 14:20

At 3k a month he’s paying more than he should

More than he should?! Or more than the absolute minimum the CMS would calculate?

Original poster

Aqueo517 · 05/07/2019 14:29

He has them overnight every other weekend and once during the week.

I appreciate all the comments. I don’t really have anything to compare to so the ones saying that this is enough are quite helpful in making me feel less bitter about the situation. It’s hard to get perspective on these things sometimes.

OP posts:

Oswin · 05/07/2019 14:32

Such fucking low expectations of men.
No op isn't lucky. It is a basic expectation that he would pay for his children. It's not an optional extra.

sincethereis · 05/07/2019 14:37

Yea he’s giving you enough.

Readytogogogo · 05/07/2019 14:42

It's not a race to the bottom, just because OP is luckier than some. Morally he should pay more, of course.

TooOldForAllThatShit · 05/07/2019 14:46

FFS so because some posters get nothing or half what OP gets, she should think herself lucky.

No wonder these scumbag fathers get away with not providing for their DC properly.

Of course he should pay more OP. Paying the absolute MINIMUM when you can afford more does not deserve any respect.

MeanMrMustardSeed · 05/07/2019 14:48

Of course he should be paying more. What a bloody disgrace.

happyhillock · 05/07/2019 14:49

He should be paying more, men get off to easy..

bringthethunder · 05/07/2019 14:50

FFS so because some posters get nothing or half what OP gets, she should think herself lucky.

I don't think anyone has actually said that People are merely giving their own situations - you know, like in a conversation/forum/give and take situations, as a comparison.

What people are saying is that it actually IS a reasonable amount based on his income and that the OP doesn't get to surmise about his outgoings as its not her business. If her EXH asked her what she is spending her CM on and he would decide from that whether his payments were fair/reasonable/paying for any luxuries, people would go berserk and call him controlling/financially abusive etc. So why is the OP allowed to breakdown his income and outgoings and decide for herself what she should be getting?!

Purpletigers · 05/07/2019 14:59

Would he be happy to have the children 50/50 so you can work more and then the payment is cancelled out ? Thats the only fair alternative tbh . Then each of you claim cb for one child each . No one owes anything then and you both pay a set amount monthly into a bank account to buy clothes etc , pay for trips , uniform , activities.

Juells · 05/07/2019 15:04

Anchormann

Give the guy a break as he's entitled to a roof over his head too

Awww poor guy. It was a virgin birth.

letsrunfar · 05/07/2019 15:07

OP still needs to say if this 3k is gross or net.
Most people are assuming it's before deductions, so take off tax, ni, pension? That's a grand. So he's got about 2k ish in hand. £400 maintenance.
At some point he'll have to get a 2/3 bed place (won't live with brother forever surely) that'll take a big chunk and then he's obvs got to feed himself and the children when he has them.
I wouldn't say the guy is going to be in clover any time soon. If fact I'd say he hadn't really got much more to give.

Ok if this living for free at his brothers is true then yes he could perhaps send a bit extra in maintenance. But then the op will rely on it and he'll get slated for stopping the extra in the future when he gets his own place.

He can't win here.

Purpletigers · 05/07/2019 15:09

How much do you earn a month ?

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