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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he should be paying more?

125 replies

Aqueo517 · 05/07/2019 12:54

Split with DH a couple of years ago, we have 2 children together. He earns 3k a month and pays me £400 per month. He’s living with his brother so has none of the usual household bills (I know this for a fact, he doesn’t contribute, his brother owes him so this is his way of paying him back until he buys his own place).

In the mean time I’m struggling to cover all the costs of having 2 children. Aibu to think that while he’s living the life of Riley he could help me out a bit more?

OP posts:
user1486131602 · 05/07/2019 15:11

Mine earns the same, bring home
He pays £100 a month for kids 16 &18 food and NOTHING ELSE!
Haven’t been to the CSA yet as waiting for him to sign nisi papers. As soon as that is done, I will be going to them for the 20% of his salary he should be paying.

Original poster
Aqueo517 · 05/07/2019 15:11

He earns £3k net, I earn £1k net. I’m part time to fit around the school run so I think I’ll have to look into upping my hours.

OP posts:
Helmlover1 · 05/07/2019 15:15

So I take it you’re also putting £400 aside for your kids as well? If so, that’s £800 a month to clothe, feed and keep a roof over their heads, surely that’s more than enough, unless you’re choosing to live beyond your means.

According to some greedy, bitter, men hating ex wives on MN, if their exes aren’t giving them their last penny then they are deemed to be rubbish fathers. These are also the sorts of women who get a ‘kick’ out of restricting access and use their own kids as pawns in order to spite their children’s fathers...please don’t become one of these women.

Juells · 05/07/2019 15:17

Helmlover1

You sound nice 😂

Purpletigers · 05/07/2019 15:18

Could you ask him to have the children more often so that you can up your hours ? That’s the only fair solution I can see . Or you both work full time and pay half the costs of childcare each ? I’m not sure there’s a perfect answer tbh .

herculepoirot2 · 05/07/2019 15:19

If he’s living rent and mortgage free he should be contributing more for his kids.

Purpletigers · 05/07/2019 15:19

You may well have as much money spare as he does a month depending on cb, tax credits etc .

Purpletigers · 05/07/2019 15:21

Hercules - if the mum is living in the family home I’m assuming he may be saving to buy his own property in the future.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 05/07/2019 15:26

So you have £1400 a month and he has £2600 a month?
And you have the children most of the time?

Yes he should be paying more but no one will make him. Really unfair and another way where you are disadvantaged as you have the children most of the time.

Helmlover1 · 05/07/2019 15:27

So all the posters who have advised the OP that her ex is not paying enough, what do you think would be the ‘correct’ amount for him to pay?

The reason I ask, is because whatever arbitrary figure you come up with, I guarantee that an even greedier MNer will come along and say that your suggestion is pittance/not enough either, so where do you draw the line? The fact is (whether you like it or not) there is an organisation that calculates the amount based on the fathers earnings, which we should all be thankful for, because if it was up to some mothers on here their kids’ dads would be living in cardboard boxes!

herculepoirot2 · 05/07/2019 15:27

Hercules - if the mum is living in the family home I’m assuming he may be saving to buy his own property in the future.

And as much I sympathise with that, he will presumably still be entitled to half the family home when it’s sold? It hasn’t just been given away. Yes, he isn’t BU saving some of his income but he could be contributing more than £400 with a net of £3k.

Helmlover1 · 05/07/2019 15:28

juells- you don’t Grin

Original poster
Aqueo517 · 05/07/2019 15:31

Thanks everyone. There’s clearly no right or wrong answer to this which has helped me feel that he’s not as much of a tight bastard as I’d previously thought.

OP posts:
Blueberrysponge · 05/07/2019 15:33

YABU. £400 is loads, wish I had £400 a month extra! You can get heaps with that if you shop within a budget. Get over it!

sincethereis · 05/07/2019 15:36

£800 is more than enough to raise two children

Purpletigers · 05/07/2019 15:37

There really isn’t an easy answer I’m afraid, can you both sit down together and list / discuss finances so he can see where you’re coming from.

kerkyra · 05/07/2019 15:42

Its irrelevant what his outgoings are and I know you're bitter but it does seem fair.
I receive £45 a week for one child . The fact he shops at waitrose and me at aldi does my head in!
I think he knows he underpay me but he's self employed and would fiddle the books. I think he knows this so does both the picking up and dropping off( 15 miles each way) so that at least makes my life easier

tisonlymeagain · 05/07/2019 15:43

You're not "struggling to cover all the costs of having two children" though Hmm He gives you £400 a month.

I have two kids and they don't cost me £800 a month to look after.

Surely you're entitled to some working or child tax credits/universal credit to help out if you're a lower earner.

herculepoirot2 · 05/07/2019 15:43

£800 is more than enough to raise two children

Would you be saying that if the OP’s partner was earning £10k a month? Surely the question of what we should contribute to our children isn’t based on their minimum cost? Rather, it should be based on what we can reasonably afford.

EKGEMS · 05/07/2019 15:46

Oh Blueberrysponge not everyone shares the exact same lifestyle in this world

Juells · 05/07/2019 15:56

Bringing up two children on £1400 a month is not easy, why are people trying to claim it is? Why is it OK for a mother to have to scrimp and save and 'get over it' as if it's OK for women's lives to be as shit as possible?

I'm not bitter because I have no reason to criticise my ex who loved his children and didn't want their way of life to plummet to the bottom just because we split up. But nobody can pretend that a single person's outgoings are the same as the expenses of somebody who has children, and needs a bigger home. Now that I live alone I can't believe how much easier my life and finances are.

Life changes completely when you have children on your own. You have to pay for childminding if you want to work, you usually have to work in lower-paid jobs, maybe part time so you can collect from school, while the NRP is still free apart from one or two nights a week, or EOW.

Helmlover1 · 05/07/2019 16:00

So hercule, how much do you think he should be contributing? You’ve stated that the OP’s ex should be contributing more, so how much is ‘enough’?

Purpletigers · 05/07/2019 16:00

Juells- you’re correct which is why 50/50 residency would be a good solution . And £1400 isn’t the figure she has as she will be able to claim cb and tax credits. Plus free dental treatment , prescriptions , fsm etc .

GPatz · 05/07/2019 16:01

'If you are struggling wit the costs of the kids I think you should instead focus on your own income/expenditure and whether you need to return to work/increase hours/change roles and what you can cut down on etc - as opposed to passing that responsibility to the ex who pays what he is legally told to'

Or if you are struggling, he can have them 50/50. Because you know, kids are his responsibility too.

GPatz · 05/07/2019 16:04

What if the mortgage is £800.