To think he should be paying more?

[Aqueo517]

Split with DH a couple of years ago, we have 2 children together. He earns 3k a month and pays me £400 per month. He’s living with his brother so has none of the usual household bills (I know this for a fact, he doesn’t contribute, his brother owes him so this is his way of paying him back until he buys his own place).

In the mean time I’m struggling to cover all the costs of having 2 children. Aibu to think that while he’s living the life of Riley he could help me out a bit more?

YANBU, so fed up of absent / shit fathers.

What is it with people saying £X is more than enough for two children. That's not the point.

The point is that the mother who is the primary carer is struggling therefore the children will be going without things whilst the absent father has a fairly healthy disposable income and probably has a good lifestyle with lots of extras and activities.

We are not equal, our household income is substantially greater than our neighbours so we spend more on certain things. That doesn't make us bad people, it's life. The children should be having extra curricular activities with the amount he has available so yes, morally he should be paying more.

I'm tired of women describing other women as money grabbers, wanting a free ride when the 'poor' fathers are getting away with shit left, right and centre!

What the.... Have I woken up in a parallel universe here?

I have honestly never seen a MN thread so against the RP over maintenance!?

You could ask him for more money, Aqueo. Or ask him to pay for some things - school uniform, trips, general extras. He might be glad to. You don't lose anything by asking.

Is his £3,000 per month gross or net?

Blue it's net, Op stated earlier.

Go to 50:50 access he wouldn't pay you money but your costs for the children would half, as he would have to cover the costs on his day and childcare.
He doesn't get to see his children very often, that's sad for a lot of nrp.
He can help more maybe but he isn't and not legally obliged to but equally he can claim no child tax credit or benefit for the children.
He also presumably if he has them,overnight still has the costs of sorting a house big enough (although admitadly not at the moment, but will in the future).
Have you talked to him about. Finances at all?

Makes me laugh when people talk about just giving your ex the kids 50% of the time. As if they can be forced to take them! 😂

herculepoirot2
Makes me laugh when people talk about just giving your ex the kids 50% of the time. As if they can be forced to take them! 😂

Makes me laugh as there are very few women that would even offer.

Makes me laugh as there are very few women that would even offer.

Well, no; you wouldn’t offer if you adored your children. But you might ask, on the other side of it?

herculepoirot2
Well, no; you wouldn’t offer if you adored your children. But you might ask, on the other side of it?

And then it could be posted on here and you would get all the "he's being a controlling bastard" responses.

With no disrespect to anyone, but this is a scenario where the bloke isn't going to win.

He's taking home £3000 net and doesn't have other outgoings I'd expect him to contribute more than £400.

Could you encourage him to contribute more by asking him to take them shopping when they need new shoes etc? How would he react?

@BoneyBackJefferson evidence shows 50/50 is rarely in the best interest of of the dc as one stable home is what gives best outcomes so if dh and I split, I would not give 50/50.

I'm just baffled how people think dc cost less than £800 a month to feed, clothe, roof over head, heating, water, school clubs. Where are you guys living?

This isn't a woman looking for a free ride, just a good standard of living for her dc, which she feels her ex can afford. I would assume he was saving for a home of his own, which will benefit dc long term.

But he has to provide the house too. That's what baffles me.
The housing costs you need to totally remove. As both parents nrp and parent need to provide suitable accommodation if have overnights.
So what's left on top of accommodation costs is what needs paying eg food, clothes, additional other costs and childcare. 800pcm seems about right tbh.
Bigggest cost is childcare unless you ahve teenagers!

I’m astounded by some of these responses!

OP - no advice as I am in similar situation. It’s hard, you have my sympathy.

People are missing the point that the op is looking after the children for the vast majority of the time. It's ok saying get a full time job but to earn £3000 a month, net, would probably mean working much longer hours than a child minder could offer. Then there is the point that the dc don't get to see their parents much.
The ops ex was happy enough to let her look after their dc and not work full time before so now he has to be fair about it. I doubt very much if he could look after the dc and keep his job and salary, something would have to give.

Fwiw plenty of men are happy for their oh to look after the dc and not work full time. If both parents work full time and use childcare then they usually both have to limit their work hours and both pull their weight. It's often the case that a man would prefer less child care responsibility and is prepared to take on more work outside the house.

Erm but sexist. I work ft and earn the most in our household with dc. I also did with exh.
Not all families are stereotypical nowadays a lot more women are breadwinner n work ft.
But the op should absolutely talk to ex re costs if she's worried. He genuinely might be struggling or be able to help. If not we'll then its crappy but you gotta try.

My ex gave up a decent wage to do a minimum wage job just to avoid paying me what he should've.

His new partner owned more than one property and could support them both in a nice lifestyle so earning money for himself was no longer a big thing and it was all about how he could mess up my life totally forgetting the money helped support his child

*@Aqueo517

I'm not arguing for or against 50:50.

I've seen it work well and seen the opposite.

I am pointing out that in some posters eyes whatever this man does it will be wrong.

So I take it you’re also putting £400 aside for your kids as well? If so, that’s £800 a month to clothe, feed and keep a roof over their heads, surely that’s more than enough, unless you’re choosing to live beyond your means
That is so funny. £400 won't even cover 50% of the cheapest wraparound childcare available here, never mind food, clothes, housing and activities.

Resident parent’s wages, childcare vouchers, working tax credit, child tax credit, child benefit, child maintenance from NRP on top of potential housing benefit and other benefits should be enough to cover the costs of raising a child in the 5th richest economy in the world.

If not, then it’s the system at fault for not paying adequate wages/benefits and making childcare unaffordable, and you should direct your anger accordingly, not to the NRP who is paying what he is legally required.

If not, then it’s the system at fault for not paying adequate wages/benefits and making childcare unaffordable
Is "the system" then fully responsible for raising the children? Or does any residual responsibility stay with the parents?
In majority of cases I know there are two separated full-time working parents on - taking this thread's example - 3K net a month, the father pays the "legally required" £400 / month, the mother has childcare costs of £1.5K / month, does not get any welfare and really struggles to cover the basic costs, despite being on an OK salary.

He's paying what he's required to pay. His outgoings and living arrangements are none of your business, I'm afraid OP. If he's paying what's due, you don't get to dictate what he should do with the rest of his money any more than he gets to dictate what you do with yours.

If the current arrangements aren't working (because you aren't financially managing), you could consider revisiting residence arrangements so that he has them more, or you go 50/50 so that you can increase your earnings. Or you could consider switching so he is the RP.

No I didn’t say the system is fully responsible for raising a child, what I said was the RP’s wages, the child maintenance from the NRP on top of all of the other benefits provided by the state (which are not available in many other countries) to the RP should be enough to raise a child. If this is not the case then there are wider issues to address such as low wages, high childcare costs, benefit cuts, or dare I say it, the RP’s poor money management skills-the blame cannot just lie solely with the NRP all of the time.

you should direct your anger accordingly, not to the NRP who is paying what he is legally required

In this case the NRP is earning around £48k before tax and based on 1-2 nights per week should be paying OP £529 per month

How do you feel about NRPs who underpay the Legal Minimum? Do tell

@Helmlover1
I don't think you're getting it. Let's look at the situation where both parents work and are on good salaries (let's take £3K net as "good"), no one is claiming benefits or gets any support from the state. In this situation, NRP's legal minimum contribution does not even cover even his / her share of childcare costs.
Are you seriously suggesting that it is a problem to be solved between the RP and the "system", and NRP is just a disinterested observer?