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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

dh is jealous of dss and it threatens my marriage

111 replies

fecketyfeck21 · 04/07/2019 20:08

ds 19 and me have get on very well, we laugh and chat about most things. dh has become jealous about this and intensively dislikes my ds as a result [is dh's ss] it is causing a lot of stress and arguments.
dh is fine around the other sc but he sees my son as his rival [his words]. we have a vert strong marriage but this is putting a wedge under the foundations and i'm beginning to feel like i'm walking on egg shells.
ds helped me with watering some pot plants this evening as dh had gone indoors to sulk because ds had come out to see what we had been doing in the garden. when i saw dh he's sulking and banging on about 'mummy's helper' i said 'you went indoors and weren't going to help' he said he went in because of dss.
we've just had a scuff and he's sulked off upstairs after telling me to 'piss off' i commented that he was the one that was the one acting like a knob and was leaving the room not me.
i think it's shame that i feel i'm being made to choose, he doesn't like me even being in the same room let along speaking.
what do i do ?

OP posts:
GiraffeMomma · 04/07/2019 23:33

As someone who's stepfather has always been jealous of my relationship with my DM and has been horrible to me for nearly 20 years now, thank you on behalf of your son for taking his side. My mum didn't/doesn't and it causes a hurt that can never be fixed. Your husband is a very sad man, being threatened by a child that he raised, and IMO, doesn't deserve your loyalty.

Cosyjimjamsforautumn · 05/07/2019 06:51

Depression or not, he's behaving like an unattractive sulking idiot and HE is putting your relationship in jeopardy.
My xsil was like this with her DSS - DB was effectively asked to choose between his sons and new wife. Thankfully he chose his sons. The most difficult decision he ever made he said becsuse he loved her but couldnt cope with her behaviour towards his sons. The best decisions are sometimes tough.

BraveGoldie · 05/07/2019 06:58

Wow - people on this board can be really merciless and incredibly condemning and instantly start pushing people to divorce based on a paragraph of information - after 19 years of good marriage to someone op says has been supportive in every other way..... and all for what? A problem that has emerged in the last few months, and is expressed no more seriously than with a bit of sulking?

I find this reaction unbelievable.

Marriage is surely meant to be an emotional, committed relationship in which when difficulties come up, you seek to understand, talk and work through things, and support each other? That does not mean the behavior should be accepted and of course the son is the ultimate priority. And absolutely, this behavior needs to be resolved. But that is different than chucking in the towel at the first sign of a problem!

The husband is obviously having difficult feelings, and is expressing this in a pretty juvenile way- but the feelings themselves are worth caring about. 'Rivalry' with the son is only the symptom.

OP- you are in a long term marriage - your husband may well be struggling with emotions about growing old, and perhaps your romantic life is a bit stale- perhaps after raising six step children with you, he has been looking forward to time with you that is exclusive - perhaps he feels he doesn't have enough of that, and still - even when your son is grown and ready to fly the nest, you are overly focused on him/ not letting him grow up/ move on.... perhaps he feels (and is maybe even treated) as invisible? I have no idea if any of these things are the case ..... but my point is that a man who has been a positive supportive husband for two decades deserves more than divorce papers after a couple of months of the sulks..... I hope you don't feel pressured by the posters here to take action you would never otherwise have felt was right for you.

BeanBag7 · 05/07/2019 07:05

It's so sad that he has been a father figure in your son's life for as long as he (the son) can remember and yet doesnt seem attached to him at all and just sees him as a rival for your affections. That's not right. Although they're not biologically related I would think anyone who had been your partner since your son was a tiny baby would consider themselves his father.

sashh · 05/07/2019 07:11

Did you marry a 5 year old?

Your children and your relationship with them is non negotiable, he married you knowing you had children,if he doesn't like it then he knows where the door is.

BraveGoldie · 05/07/2019 07:14

Just to be clear, I DO think this is a serious issue and clearly not sustainable and you should insist on being able to spend time with your son.

I just think it is a challenge to be talked through seriously (perhaps in therapy together?) rather than just condemned. I think particularly as he has no issue with any of your other children and has supportively, actively raised all your children, including your son, for two decades (if I understand correctly), then the issue is likely to be way more complex than him just being incapable of allowing you other meaningful relationships or being irrationally jealous.... it sounds like so far you have not talked openly and deeply enough together to explore these things. Doing so could reveal that separating is truly the right choice. Equally, it could help reveal issues in your marriage that need addressed - ultimately reinvigorating your marriage and resolving the symptom with your son.......

Lllot5 · 05/07/2019 07:14

Chose your son. Always. Every time. Above any one else.

mindutopia · 05/07/2019 07:15

Don’t put up with this rubbish from him or it will drive your children away. My dh has a relationship with his mum like this. Her partner (they are married but dh doesn’t consider him his ‘step-dad’ and they married when he was late 20s) used to only be miserable and sulk if we came to visit, grumble about dh using ‘his things’. Of course, these were my dh’s things (tools, lawnmower, other bits) from when he was a teenager and living at home. They’ve now been claimed as ‘his’ and he’ll go off in a room and sulk if anyone touches them or god forbid offers to help around the house with them. That’s the annoying but innocuous bit.

As the years rolled on, we put more and more distance between us and him (now fully nc) due to his own (criminal) past. He seems like a nice old man but he isn’t and we wanted no part of that brought into our dc’s lives. Eventually he has banned us from the house (my dh’s family home, which he does not even own). MIL went as far as to invite us down while her partner was in hospital for several days for a procedure. He found out and called us screaming and cursing about it the day before. We now can only see MIL if she visits us a few times a year because he refuses to just give her a day in her house to enjoy her family. She is now very isolated and doesn’t have the close relationship with either of her son’s that she once did before he came along. They are married now and this will be the way it is until one of them dies. It’s very sad. Don’t let this come to that, especially if/when there are grandchildren involved.

ethelfleda · 05/07/2019 07:24

Your DH needs to grow up.

isthatapugunicorn · 05/07/2019 07:24

I’d tell your DH that he needs to see a counsellor to talk about this and what is going on with him. My DW suddenly had issues with my family and seeing someone to work through it really helped. I essentially told her not to make me choose because she wouldn’t win, even though I adore her.

ethelfleda · 05/07/2019 07:25

My step mom was like this with me and now my Dad and I don’t speak. It bloody hurts, tbh.

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