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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect more from my friend who's a new mum?

87 replies

teaandbiscuits89 · 04/07/2019 13:52

Background- my friend had a baby in Feb and I did the usual things we all do, bought a nice present, texted (shes not a phone call person) saying I hope shes getting on well and that theres no need to reply because I know she has her hands full just wanted to let her know I'm proud of her and baby girl is gorgeous etc. Just really keeping in contact and letting her know I'm there as I know the first few weels/months can be touch.

We got a shock diagnosis for my aunt. My aunt practically raised me as my mum left when we were really young. We were super close and she passed away at the end of April.

I cancelled lunch with friend and her daughter to be at my aunts bedside. Friend knew the severity of my aunts illness and didnt text once in two and a half weeks, when she did text my aunt had died.

My first thought was maybe the babys not well or maybe shes not well etc etc but then saw that in the time she had posted about 10 pics to Instagram and Facebook with long captions... am I being unreasonable to have expected a supportive text in the 2 weeks? I just think if she can post to Facebook she could let a friend know shes being thought about. Maybe I'm being too sensitive?

OP posts:
IHeartKingThistle · 04/07/2019 13:56

I don't think YANBU, I'd be hurt.

MyOpinionIsValid · 04/07/2019 14:00

People used SM as a projection to the world of what they WANT the world to see, rather than HOW they are feeling .

YABU to second guess her emotional or hormonal state.

Some people just plain cant deal with death; they dont have the verbal dexterity.

It would have been nice if she could have text. Maybe things got out of control for her ?

Happyspud · 04/07/2019 14:01

She should have messaged. It’s not actually an excuse but having a small baby (your first one) can feel like a total brain transplant. Very hard to think beyond the next 10 mins. Even if you’re well with no PND.

Maybe tell you you’re a bit upset she didn’t reach out at all.

ashtrayheart · 04/07/2019 14:02

Some people are self absorbed and only think about their own stuff. I’ve backed off from a friendship (finally) where absolutely everything is a massive drama and problem, whilst glossing over everyone else’s troubles!
Sorry for your loss x

Motoko · 04/07/2019 14:05

YANBU.

Looking back over your relationship with your friend, has it been you who did all the organising and keeping in touch? Some people are like that, happy enough to meet up if you suggest it, but can't be bothered to suggest or arrange anything themselves.

Do you have children? I'm wondering if she feels she doesn't have anything in common now, if you don't.

But, whatever her reasons, she's been a shit friend when you needed support, so I wouldn't put too much effort into keeping the relationship going. Even being a new mum, she could have found a few moments to send you a text.

I'm sorry for your loss. {flowers] I hope you do have support from elsewhere, to help you through your grief.

Original poster
teaandbiscuits89 · 04/07/2019 14:06

I know social media doesn't betray someones true feelings, it was more if you can spend 5 minutes writing a caption/uploading a pic you could have sent a quick "howre you doing?"

OP posts:
Original poster
teaandbiscuits89 · 04/07/2019 14:08

@Motoko

I have a 15 year old (had him when I was very young and the baby days feel like a long time ago)

I am hurt and i dont like that it makes me want to pull away when all new mums need support

OP posts:
Original poster
teaandbiscuits89 · 04/07/2019 14:09

I thought we were close, I was there for her when family members passed away, I went to their funerals, I dudnt expect her to go but did expect a card or some acknowledgement

OP posts:
Blueberrysponge · 04/07/2019 14:09

This happened to me too. Very similar. And when the person finally did decide to message to let me know they were bored, I told them to go fuck themselves. And we never spoke again.
It's unfortunate it takes times like these for people to show themselves. It's up to you what you want from friendships but if this dynamic makes you unhappy then get rid. Life's too short. And YANBU 😊

StopMakingATitOfUrselfNPissOff · 04/07/2019 14:09

I may get flamed for this but after having mine I just didn't have the capacity to be someone's shoulder to cry on. I was worn out, strung out and emotional myself.

Luckily my friends were understanding and as the kids got older I could get involved more.

Please don't judge her too harshly

Blueberrysponge · 04/07/2019 14:12

Oh they didn't ask how I was or anything just said OMG I'm SO bored, even though they knew what had happened. Yeah bye bitch.

MrsSpenserGregson · 04/07/2019 14:18

YANBU, a quick text should have been possible unless she was suffering from something equally as awful. I'm very sorry about your aunt Flowers

Smellbowpenisbeaker · 04/07/2019 14:19

I think because she knew that it warranted more than a quick message then too much time elapsed.

She’ll have probably planned to do something thoughtful and catch up properly. Every time she had five minutes, she’ll have thought about calling but didn’t want to cut you off because her baby woke up. I bet her intentions were good.

Sorry for your loss.

MrsSpenserGregson · 04/07/2019 14:21

And actually, this is one of the very few things that is so great about modern phones and texting versus actually phoning someone - in most cases it is possible to send someone a text to say that you're thinking about them, even if you don't have the emotional energy to make a call or see them in person.

Of course she may be suffering from PND or some other traumatic event / illness in which case I'd be understanding - have you tried to find out if she's OK in person, or are you basing this on her social media posts?

floribunda18 · 04/07/2019 14:22

YANBU, but it isn't unusual to be in something of a baby bubble with a new baby.

when she did text my aunt had died

So she did text then?

cavalier · 04/07/2019 14:24

Motherhood especially in the first throws can be all encompassing ... knackering and overwhelming you hardly have time to go toilet let alone talk to friends

Boysey45 · 04/07/2019 14:26

In my experience people tend to be very self absorbed and think/care about themselves primarily, their kids if they have them and their partner if they still like them and that's it really.
YANBU OP, but don't let it bother you, invest your time away from this woman and with people who are supportive. I'm sorry about your Aunt, its really hard to suffer a bereavement when you are very close to someone. Take care.

EL8888 · 04/07/2019 14:26

YANBU she’s self absorbed and a shit friend lm afraid. I know she’s had a baby but they’re 5 months old and how long does a text take to send?!

Thinking of you

Original poster
teaandbiscuits89 · 04/07/2019 14:28

Yes she did text 2 and a half weeks after I told her about my aunt, she texted "hope everything's okay" which obviously it wasnt. I have spoken to her about her health and there is the possibility shes hiding her true feelings but says things like shes such a good baby, it was tough trying to breastfeed, nothing thats made me think there was anything worse going on. But who knows!

People show their true colours and shes never been the most supportive so I dont know why I think people are waiting for something terrible to happen to swop in and show they care. I'd describe her as one of those people who doesn't expect much but also doesn't give much. I'm more go the whole hog for someone but doesn't expect loads back.

OP posts:
Boysey45 · 04/07/2019 14:34

If it was me I'd leave her to it from now on.x

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 04/07/2019 14:53

If she can find time to load self indulgent attention seeking crap on social media, she could have found five minutes at the very least to text you. If she was a real friend she would have 'phoned you and spoken to you to see how you were. I'd dump her and concentrate on your real friends. It is often the case that when you suffer bereavement, you find out who your real friends are, and who are not. She is definitely in the Not camp.

ReanimatedSGB · 04/07/2019 14:59

Do you think, maybe, this friendship is not as close on her side? She's got a new baby - her first - to deal with: you say she has never been very supportive but that she also doesn't appear to ask for much support from you. It might be the case that you really aren't all that important to her as in: you are not one of her closest/oldest friends.
Do you have other support - a partner, or other friends?

Loveislandaddict · 04/07/2019 15:03

She did text and and ask after you., although not straight away. maybe she intended to do it sooner, but for whatever reason, didn’t. Two and a half weeks isn’t a long time in the scheme of things.

AwkwardAsAllGetout · 04/07/2019 15:04

Honestly, I think yabu. I have a 12 week old who’s spent most of her life SCREAMING. And she’s my fourth. It’s overwhelming and I’ve no doubt I’ve become a very shit friend. But I feel utterly brain dead a lot of the time, I never have a hand free and I barely have time to eat. I think give each other a break. I’m sorry for your loss. But I’d say you need to draw a line under feeling let down by her. There’s no need to tell her how you feel. If someone did to me I’d feel an even bigger failure than I already do atm and I’m sure that’s not your intention

AwkwardAsAllGetout · 04/07/2019 15:05

To add, you’d never know I was struggling from my social media. I post lovely pictures of dd in the moments where she’s not screaming. No one wants to know that it’s so difficult in truth.

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