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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect more from my friend who's a new mum?

87 replies

teaandbiscuits89 · 04/07/2019 13:52

Background- my friend had a baby in Feb and I did the usual things we all do, bought a nice present, texted (shes not a phone call person) saying I hope shes getting on well and that theres no need to reply because I know she has her hands full just wanted to let her know I'm proud of her and baby girl is gorgeous etc. Just really keeping in contact and letting her know I'm there as I know the first few weels/months can be touch.

We got a shock diagnosis for my aunt. My aunt practically raised me as my mum left when we were really young. We were super close and she passed away at the end of April.

I cancelled lunch with friend and her daughter to be at my aunts bedside. Friend knew the severity of my aunts illness and didnt text once in two and a half weeks, when she did text my aunt had died.

My first thought was maybe the babys not well or maybe shes not well etc etc but then saw that in the time she had posted about 10 pics to Instagram and Facebook with long captions... am I being unreasonable to have expected a supportive text in the 2 weeks? I just think if she can post to Facebook she could let a friend know shes being thought about. Maybe I'm being too sensitive?

OP posts:

Original poster

teaandbiscuits89 · 04/07/2019 15:13

I would never make her want to feel bad but I dont feel I'm being genuine as I'm resenting her behaviour. She doesn't have a lot of friends (neither do i) so I think she probably thinks if us as close unless I'm completely misreading the friendship

I understand that babies can be tough it's the time to post on facebook but not text a friend is the bit I cant get past

OP posts:

GCAcademic · 04/07/2019 15:28

I think it's really shitty as well. If you have time for social media, you surely have time to text a friend whose parent figure is dying. It takes under a minute to do that.

noonarna · 04/07/2019 15:31

I'd describe her as one of those people who doesn't expect much but also doesn't give much

That doesn't sound like much a friend OP

Bumper1969 · 04/07/2019 15:32

Unfortunately lots of people can't deal with death but a true friend will always reach out.

floribunda18 · 04/07/2019 15:34

I have to say when I lost my dad I wasn't keeping a tally of which friends contacted me and which didn't, though I was amazed and uplifted by all the kind messages. If I didn't notice that a good friend hadn't contacted me and they had a young baby I'd assume they were just caught up in that. Life isn't about keeping count about such matters.

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 04/07/2019 15:40

YABU

no need to be harsh when you don't know what's behind the lack of contact. Maybe she doesn't care, but more likely she is overwhelmed with the baby, wouldn't send a quick badly written note which you would take in an even worst way.

You can post on FB without having to think about.

Some people are also very weary of texting out of business hours, because there are some old fashioned individual who get outraged to receive a text (or email!) at 3am.

3 weeks with a new born is nothing, presumably her partner will have gone back to work, cut her some slack.

sausagedoggys · 04/07/2019 15:40

@floribunda18 I don't agree at all. OP your friend has been very thoughtless and selfish. Unfortunately some people seem to get like this when they have children ☹️

sausagedoggys · 04/07/2019 15:42

@that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 how is it 3 weeks with a baby? It was born in Feb and her Aunt died at the end of April! That's two months.

Sandybval · 04/07/2019 15:43

YANBU, it wouldn't have taken a moment to text, even to say thinking of you but too overwhelmed at the moment to be much support.

floribunda18 · 04/07/2019 15:46

Unfortunately some people seem to get like this when they have children

Unfortunately some people are rather needy and lack emotional intelligence and don't understand when other people's circumstances change.

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 04/07/2019 15:47

how is it 3 weeks with a baby?
like that sausagedoggys

he did text 2 and a half weeks after I told her

I rounded up at 3 weeks.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/07/2019 15:50

It takes literally less than 60 seconds to text "I'm so sorry, you and Auntie are in my thoughts/prayers". Even the most rushed off their feet person has that much time. And as far as those who 'don't know what to say', everyone knows how to say "Thinking of you". And there are plenty of websites with suggestions if you want to say more.

Having a new baby is no excuse for at least the smallest gestures of friendship. I wouldn't expect a new parent to run errands for or sit with a sad or bereaved friend, but a text when being informed of an event (not one 2 weeks later) isn't too much to ask.

I have had two babies and having newborns didn't make me a 'bad' friend. On the contrary, it reminded me of how precious life is, how much our loved ones mean to us, and that family and friendships are to be cherished.

All you can do tea is evaluate what she adds to your life (and what you feel you add to hers) and decide if you want to remain 'close' friends. If so, you could try and talk to her about how you felt. If not, just leave contact up to her going forwards.

floribunda18 · 04/07/2019 15:52

I've had times when it seems a lot of effort to send a text, TBH.

Bisquick · 04/07/2019 16:04

I'm sorry for your loss OP. Hope you're holding up okay.
Did your friend know how close you were to your aunt?

I fear I may have committed a similar error in the early newborn days. I had high levels of antenatal anxiety following a previous loss at term, and had to go off work a month ahead of schedule before DD was born. It took me months to realise after she was born but I was struggling with postnatal anxiety and depression. One of my best friends lost her grandfather in the weeks after DD was born. They were quite close, and I texted fairly regularly I think - maybe once every couple of days, definitely at least twice a week to check in on her, but she kept wanting to speak on the phone, and I just couldn't manage it.

I should have probably been more direct and said "I don't have the emotional energy for a phone call right now" but instead kept saying "oh I'm so slammed, I'm so busy right now, I'm so sleep deprived". In my defence DD was a terrible sleeper in the early days and I breastfed so was up all hours and barely functioning. But too much damage was done, and my friend was perhaps understandably let down that I wasn't there for her. Amid all this, I may have, in my more lucid moments posted a few pictures on social media. And I see now that that might have pissed her off too. Although she's on the other side of the world, so the time difference really did not help us to find a time for a phone call.

Anyway, if this relationship is meaningful to you then give her another chance, but if she's more of a taker than a giver, then perhaps this is the sign to withdraw.

Girasole02 · 04/07/2019 16:12

If she's had time to post on SM, she could have texted. Invest your time in other friends. Sorry for your loss xx

StopMakingATitOfUrselfNPissOff · 04/07/2019 16:18

For me it wasn't the time involved but more the emotional energy that it needed. Yes it takes a few seconds to text but then you text back which then needs a reply etc.

Also, her baby could be maximum 8 weeks old at this time, that was prime sleep deprivation/hormonal mess time for me.

If you want to carry on the friendships I'd let it go but if not I wouldn't be saying anything to her, just leave it and stop contact.

StopMakingATitOfUrselfNPissOff · 04/07/2019 16:19

@floribunda18 I think we're the lone voices on this one

BlingLoving · 04/07/2019 16:27

It's possible she was completely overwhelmed by the baby, in which case, I'd have some sympathy. But baby is 5 months old, not 5 days.

More likely, in the time between you telling her and her message she was agonising over what to say and 2.5 weeks later that's what she came up with.

Because for some reason, there is a large part of the population who have absolutely no idea how to behave when someone loses someone close to them. I understand it. But have zero sympathy and patience for this unless the person is extremely young.

I'm generally pretty modern and don't generally think about "the good old days" but I do think that not teaching children about the basics of good manners etc, which has been common for a very long time, is really sad. And it does affect who I am friends with.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/07/2019 16:45

If she had time to post on social media, she had time to text you. The only caveat i can see is if you discover she’s creating an external image, which is vastly different from reality and is in fact not coping and could not cope with hearing your news.

Darkstar4855 · 04/07/2019 16:46

Difficult one. My PND was still pretty bad at five months but I was trying to hide it so you wouldn’t have known from my SM. Life was a bit of a blur and I was so sleep deprived it’s possible I might have forgotten to message someone, though I would have been apologetic when I realised.

YANBU to be upset though. I think you need to sit down and have an honest conversation with your friend. Tell her how hurt you feel and see what her response is. Give her a chance to put it right before you write off the friendship.

Itssosunny · 04/07/2019 16:47

You are being too nice to her but she obviously doesn't value your relationship as much as you do. I'd distance myself from her. Just cool down.

DeathByMascara · 04/07/2019 16:54

This was the death knell for me, in a friendship that had lasted several years and many life changes. She knew my dad had passed, in fact was in the hospital working as he was deteriorating to his death, and never asked how I was. Two years earlier, with a newborn myself, I made sure to check in every few days when she was dealing with the collapse of her marriage.

I don't know how I can spin this to mean something profound. Just wanted to let you know i understand and yes, you should expect more from a friend.

NoSauce · 04/07/2019 16:59

A text takes seconds to send, even if she’d just sent something like “ I’m so sorry and I’m thinking of you “ type thing.

darthbreakz · 04/07/2019 17:02

I'm probably the sort of person who might do this. For me it's maybe a kind of perfectionism - I'd want to say just the right thing and then suddenly 2 week would have gone by and then it might even feel too late.

I'm better at this sort of thing now though. And I do understand why you're hurt by it.

PooWillyBumBum · 04/07/2019 17:03

YANBU to be upset, but I’d find it hard to be cross with her if she doesn’t expect much. It may be that she’s not seeking the emotional closeness that you are from the friendship? If she were needy and pulled you up on similar stuff then I’d understand but it sounds like you’re wanting more from the friendship than she either wants to give of receive.

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