To expect more from my friend who's a new mum?

[teaandbiscuits89]

Background- my friend had a baby in Feb and I did the usual things we all do, bought a nice present, texted (shes not a phone call person) saying I hope shes getting on well and that theres no need to reply because I know she has her hands full just wanted to let her know I'm proud of her and baby girl is gorgeous etc. Just really keeping in contact and letting her know I'm there as I know the first few weels/months can be touch.

We got a shock diagnosis for my aunt. My aunt practically raised me as my mum left when we were really young. We were super close and she passed away at the end of April.

I cancelled lunch with friend and her daughter to be at my aunts bedside. Friend knew the severity of my aunts illness and didnt text once in two and a half weeks, when she did text my aunt had died.

My first thought was maybe the babys not well or maybe shes not well etc etc but then saw that in the time she had posted about 10 pics to Instagram and Facebook with long captions... am I being unreasonable to have expected a supportive text in the 2 weeks? I just think if she can post to Facebook she could let a friend know shes being thought about. Maybe I'm being too sensitive?

Good decision Tea.

Plenty of people on MN will say that people can't do anything but sit crying and bleeding for 1-2 years after childbirth but I disagree and think YANBU. It takes seconds to send a text, you can do so on the toilet or while feeding (this takes hours, in fact a lot of people spend the whole time on their phone).

I don't think her new motherhood comes in to this at all, she would have probably acted exactly the same. In fact your friend isn't using this as an excuse so no need to make it in to one for her. She probably either thoughtlessly forgot, or more likely didn't know what to say so unfortunately said nothing.

I'm not sure about this one... I don't think she was necessarily being unreasonable. Purely because 2.5 weeks isn't a long time and often people are ill for much longer than that before they pass away. And with a new baby 2.5 weeks can go by very quickly. So it's possible she just didn't realise the short timeframe.

Good decision Tea.
Concentrate on true friends not fairweather ones they don't add anything to your life.

Also, you didn't tell her that your aunt had passed.

So short timeframe, and the fact that people often feel like moments like that are 'family time' and don't want to intrude/bother you and might wait for updates. In which case I actually don't think 2.5 weeks of no news is too long to wait to text.

Unless you have other reasons to think she's selfish etc, I think it's quite possible she wasn't being selfish here.

Purely because 2.5 weeks isn't a long tiime

When you are told someone is in a hospice its prety obvious why they are there. So 2.5weeks is a long time to not bother with your friend.

If a friend isn't supportive when you're going through difficult times, what's the point of them? They're just extra bodies to fill the room at parties in that case...

Don't give of yourself to someone who doesn't give you anything of themselves.

Meet them for a coffee, if you have nothing better to do and you fancy getting out. But don't do it if it means rearranging things, or using carefully budgeted money etc. Basically treat them like an acquaintance, because that's what she's shown herself to be.

@hypatiacade

Absolutely, I was thinking I dont do things for friends to get things back but then again it's not a charity, I have volunteered for years and loved it but friendships should be different. I dont think it needs to be 50/50 all the time but when I need to help them more or when I need the help the friend it could be 80/20 and vice versa for a while but it's always been 80/20 (if even!)

I think I am used for nights out, lifts, to bend my ear with no care in return. I'll continue being nice but I'm not going out of my way anymore to accommodate her. If she specifically asks for my help I'll be there and I'm not going to compromise my values to go to her level (her granny hasnt been well and her daughter had a cold and I've been texting asking after both of them) but I'm not going out of my way anymore.

It would be different if she acknowledged she'd been a bit crap but she hasnt so... keeping this one on the back burner as sad as I am about it!

@SolsticeBabyMaybe

Someone else said that and I dont get it, why would i tell someone my aunt has passed if they haven't been asking after her?

Just a random "oh by the way my beautiful aunt you've never asked about passed yesterday"? I assumed she didnt care, didnt text me on the day of the funeral either and now I think about never properly asked me how I was doing after!! Why am I friends with this person?! Lol next time we met up she talked about herself and said (10 minutes before the end of our lunch) "you doing okay with everything going on with your aunt yeah" the yeah might be a force of habit but I didnt feel like I could say no actually I'm not and dump it on her in the minutes before her uber arrived

I think I'm getting more angry as time goes on! Lol probably because nothing in the world seemed to matter in those first few weeks after my aunt died, literally feel like freddy Krueger could have ran after me with a knife and I'd have been meh...

OP I'm really sorry about your aunt.

But reading your last post I'm going to say this: As I posted above I agree with you, your friend has been lazy and thoughtless, and could have been a better friend to you in this hard time. But try not to dwell on it and get angrier and angrier, and end up taking all your feelings out on your friend. The reason you are angry is that your wonderful aunt was taken too soon, and that isn't fair. Also your friend was thoughtless and her actions hurtful, but don't mix the two situations.

She has not been a good friend although it sounds like she wasn't before she had her baby. Some people are more self centred than others and it's true that having a baby is a big life change and she has probably been absorbed in this. However if my close friend's parent or near parent was very dangerously ill I would have made time and tbh if she was a good friend I would have called for a chat anyway. Have you not been to visit yet? Maybe the friendship is less close than you think.

Also agree that most new mothers have plenty of time to sit with their phones so really is bullshit to say she didn't have time. Also dealing with a new born may be hard at times but it really does not compare with dealing with someone close dying in a hospice. Really sorry about your aunt. If you feel like it I would be tempted to tell her how you feel or if not stop being so available to her.