To expect more from my friend who's a new mum?

[teaandbiscuits89]

Background- my friend had a baby in Feb and I did the usual things we all do, bought a nice present, texted (shes not a phone call person) saying I hope shes getting on well and that theres no need to reply because I know she has her hands full just wanted to let her know I'm proud of her and baby girl is gorgeous etc. Just really keeping in contact and letting her know I'm there as I know the first few weels/months can be touch.

We got a shock diagnosis for my aunt. My aunt practically raised me as my mum left when we were really young. We were super close and she passed away at the end of April.

I cancelled lunch with friend and her daughter to be at my aunts bedside. Friend knew the severity of my aunts illness and didnt text once in two and a half weeks, when she did text my aunt had died.

My first thought was maybe the babys not well or maybe shes not well etc etc but then saw that in the time she had posted about 10 pics to Instagram and Facebook with long captions... am I being unreasonable to have expected a supportive text in the 2 weeks? I just think if she can post to Facebook she could let a friend know shes being thought about. Maybe I'm being too sensitive?

So sorry for your loss . People can be arseholes when it comes to communicating about terminal illness and death. Especially those who have had the luck not to have it happen to anyone particularly close to them. A lot of people go all pathetic and “oh I didn’t know what to say” and use that as an excuse to say nothing. It is not an excuse. My betting is that she was all wrapped up in her little positive world of new baby and didn’t want your distress and grief to intrude on that.

Maybe @floribunda18 you have so many friends that you would have keep track but I have a handful of friends so I cant help but notice when getting no support.

I can see why you would feel disappointed and let down , it takes 10 seconds to send a text if you don't know what to say in person.I had a similar situation last year with my sister and I'm still finding it hard to forgive her.

I'm sorry for your loss.
I think you are being a bit unreasonable. She obviously didn't appreciate how serious the diagnosis was or she wouldn't have texted after a few weeks expecting the situation to be the same.
Also, although you say you are both close, you didn't text to tell her when your aunt died. I know when my DP died, I let my close friends know.

@floribunda18
Unfortunately some people are rather needy and lack emotional intelligence and don't understand when other people's circumstances change.

Do you think I'm needy and lack emotional intelligence because I wanted a small show of support from someone I've been very supportive of and who I would have considered a good friend? Really?

@LillithsFamiliar

Have to cancel lunch because aunts gone into palliative care and I want to spend as much time as possible in these last dsys/weeks - I dont think i could have made it much clearer

I didnt text her to tell her my aunt died because she didnt ask about my aunt, why would I update someone who's not interested? It's a bit weird to out of the blue "btw my aunt who you haven't asked after has passed away"

Thanks to everyone who has said they're sorry for my loss

@pumpkinpie01

I find it hard to forgive when there hasnt been an apology or I haven't had a chance to say how I feel but I wont because I dont want to upset her. Did your sister ever acknowledge her lack of support?

She’ll have probably planned to do something thoughtful and catch up properly. Every time she had five minutes, she’ll have thought about calling but didn’t want to cut you off because her baby woke up. I bet her intentions were good

I think there’s a lot of truth in this I’ve felt this way myself. I would feel a text might not be appropriate given the circs too

Sorry about your auntie 💐

I think I'm just too cynical about people to assume her intentions were good. I also dont assume they were bad, just think shes thoughtless and selfish.

But I'm not going to explain away unsupportive friend behaviour on her behalf, its different if she expressed her intentions. You can have all the good intentions in the world but are they not a bit pointless if you dont put into action?

When I've struggled in the past (have had depression and anxiety) I found that I could just about cope with social media, and pushed myself to post a bit to try and prove I was normal and okay. That was doable because I could largely post and walk away, It requires minimal engagement. But I couldn't cope with texting/ phoning / messaging as I knew there would be a to and fro of messages expected . Not saying that applies to your friend but don't assume that because she sticks some pics on FB that she is fine.

Unfortunately lots of people can't deal with death

Then unless there are very good reasons, they need to grow up.

@Nanny0gg

Completely agree, I'm sick of hearing things like "I dont like hospitals" or "I never know what to say" just get stuck in and help the person! Something is better than nothing, grief is a very lonely journey, dont make it harder.

@teaandbiscuits89 , my MIL was dying and my sister never asked once how she was or how we were then she text with a link to an amazon product that she asked if I could get her for Xmas ! To say I was gobsmacked and fuming is an understatement, it still makes me mad just typing it . She tried to justify it by saying what was the point in asking , she knew how she was and that I could talk to her when I felt ready! She has always been selfish but this was a whole new level. Would you say your friend is quite self absorbed?

YANBU OP, if she has time to post on Fb she has time to send a quick text. I agree 100% with AcrossthePond55

I'm sorry about your aunt

@pumpkinpie01

I am so angry for you!! What a cop out "you'll speak when ready"! Even if she knew exactly how she was doing a "howre you" would have been nice.

Now I think back theres been lots of little things that would point to her being self absorbed... never asking about my child, before her having a child I was always the one who travelled to see her when we were meeting up, when we were younger leaving me on nights out to get a taxi home with people who weren't going my way and shes one of those people who answer their own questions "hows things with you? Good yeah" before talking about herself for hours... thankfully I have one friend who's particularly supportive and a supportive husband, makes her lack of support more obvious

@pumpkinpie01

Another cop out... my friend has said about other times shes been unsupportive "I know your hubby's really good" or "I know you're private so I left you to it"

So sorry for your loss. YANBU.

Some people, and in my experience they are always the ones who claim to be ‘sensitive ‘ when it comes to themselves, are poor friends when the shot hits the fan.

My aunt went into a tailspin when her DM died and we all rallied round appropriately. When my much loved MIL dies she didn’t even say how sorry she was. The next day she texted to ask if we had still gone on the city break we had planned. Er, no, we can’t stop crying and have a funeral to plan.

We aren’t that close any more.

Yep, she is one of life's selfish people I'm afraid and people like that will either justify their behaviour or don't actually realise they're selfish and probably wouldn't change if it was pointed out to them. My response to my sister was ' why would I talk to you about it when you have never asked ?' Very much like you not telling your friend your aunt had died, you would turn to the people that have supported you not those who couldn't spare you a couple of minutes.

I suspected as much Tea. I also agree with you and NannyOgg, that line gets trotted out all the time, and it's bullshit. It's a very unusual adult who has never experienced the death of someone close. They need to grow up. Nobody is comfortable dealing with others' grief, but we care enough not to want them grieving thinking nobody cares, so we get over ourselves and send a message at the least.

And I'm sorry, but "intending" to do or say something, is worth as much as not even thinking about it. So just say you're thinking of them, even if it is a couple of weeks later. If you care about someone in this sort of situation, let them know. Don't let them think you don't give a toss.

@Motoko well said , spot on. Saying and doing nothing is uncaring there is no getting away from that.

she just does not care that much about you. There are lots of friends like this, happy to keep the contact going, serves them for a night out or to offload their troubles to. She just doesn't care. New baby is not an excuse at all. You know this, you have a child; true PND aside; a new mother is not unaware of the world outside of the baby and being able to post pretty pictures on social media and still text anaemically after the fact, suggests she is just covering bases, you are an afterthought to her. Dealing with what to say when someone is dying, is difficult for some people, including myself; but that is why people text and don't call. It's easy text a few words of support. I don't know what you will want to do after this OP

"Newborn days are tough and hard to be an emotional shoulder to cry on" What a crock of shit!
I'm so sorry for your loss. Your faux friend needs to grow up and learn some empathy

Op I am sorry you have lost your aunt.
Your friend iisn't good friend at all. Selfish is an understatement. If she can spend time posting multiple photos she can send a txt. Having a baby doesnt doesn't seem to have damaged her fingers!
I would step back and not bother contacting her for a while. Bet she only contacts you when it suits her or she wants to talk about herself. It's shit but from what you say you are keeping the friendship going and she expects you to do.all the work. That's not how it works.

Having a baby doesnt mean the world revolves around you. Nor does it take away the capacity to think of a friend going through crap times for 5 minutes in a day.

Thanks @Willow2017 for taking the time to post, my thoughts exactly.

The biggest consensus on here is to take a step back and that's what I think I'll do, concentrate on my little family and the friends who have shown support.