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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU feeling I shouldn’t do all the housework

88 replies

lawlaw14 · 04/07/2019 10:43

I have 3 daughters ones 24 and left home and lives 200 miles away.
I have a 19 & 14 year old living with me also my 13 year old stepdaughter lives with us she sees her mum 2 nights a week.

My husband and I both work, we pay 1/2 the bills each.
We work from home as retailers and he does matched betting ( making money from feee bets so not gambling)
I work on a Bistro 4 evenings a week.

The thing I’m exhausted with is my family are so lazy, I’ve asked them told them got angry with them and upset still nothing changes.
I did a rota, then all they do is stick religiously to it = they would never dare to do anything if one of them on the rota isn’t at home that day.

So I do all the housework ,
all the gardening,
all the food shopping ,
all the washing
All The cooking every day meaning I cook 4 afternoons before I leave for work including dishing up the meal and naming it.
I do all the DIY decorating etc

My husband says he doesn’t see what needs doing, lol even though I point it out.

He has a full day off on Mondays meaning he sits on the sofa watching sport all day or we may go out. I don’t I still have all the housework to do.

AIBU in thinking he should do 1/2 what’s needed and the girls should do more than wash up 1-2 times a week and put away the washing up 1-2 times a week each and Hoover once a week each ?

I have done everything for my husbands daughter since she was 6 so nearly 7 years and I feel it’s his responsibility.

Anyone got any nice words of advice not leave him etc as I feel with the right push he and the girls may see they should change ?

Thanks

OP posts:
RJnomore1 · 04/07/2019 10:46

What would happen if you just stop doing it?

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/07/2019 10:52

This is ridiculous. Stop doing do their washing and stop cooking and making their meals. They’re all old enough to feed themselves and they’ll soon run out of clean pants! You need to put your foot down and go on a full strike. My DSD is 10, she cooks, clears up her dishes after a meal, puts her clothes in the wash basket and folds and puts them away when they’re clean, strips her bed, hoovers occasionally (she loves the bloody hoover!). DH and I work ft though I’m currently on maternity leave and we both do our fair share including shopping, cooking, laundry, admin.

Original poster
lawlaw14 · 04/07/2019 10:59

@RJnomore1 I was seriously ill 4 years ago late pregnancy loss to sepsis and 11 blood transfusions and my middle daughter aged then 15 would cook and my husband would do washing the rest for left

OP posts:
AldiAisleOfTat · 04/07/2019 11:00

Just stop. Why would they do it when you'll do everything. Make sure it impacts them, no help, no meals, no lifts, nothing. They have no respect for you.

Original poster
lawlaw14 · 04/07/2019 11:03

@AnneLovesGilbert I know your right it’s just not in my nature to let them get on with it I’ve tried many times.
I think I should write them all a letter each and say I’ve had enough then leave them too it.
I was like your child doing everything I was able in the house from a little person so did my brother my husband makes me feel awful and guilty if I refuse to do everything.
I’ve brought all his daughters clothes from my own money from 2013-2018 he earns more than me and her mother wastes her money on holidays drink clothes cars etc so I’d buy all my stepdaughters clothes school uniform do all her washing and iron them and last year I said no more to buying her clothes so she now goes without -
I may start off refusing to cook on a Tuesday and a Thursday 2 of my shift days starting next week after I’ve explained again how wrong it is I do everything.

Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
lawlaw14 · 04/07/2019 11:05

@AldiAisleOfTat they obviously have no respect for me sadly
I am going to start from next week not cooking on 2 shift days as I think I’m so exhausted with it all and they don’t even see how wrong it is

OP posts:
Catapultaway · 04/07/2019 11:06

What sport is on during the day on a Monday?

Everyone is old enough to be doing more. You can't make them, but you can stop doing it and then it's their problem.

EKGEMS · 04/07/2019 11:07

You want my honest opinion? Walk out,go to a hotel or a family member or a friend's place for a week-tell them you're on strike and you are done being their slave! Your husband is an asshole to leave clothes purchases for his child to you among other numerous reasons you've listed

Almostfifty · 04/07/2019 11:10

Don't do any cooking the nights you're working. Just leave food in the fridge and tell them if they get a takeaway instead you won't cook for them ever again.

newmomof1 · 04/07/2019 11:10

Just do the things that affect you: your own washing and meals and your bedroom.

Do your food shopping online and get it delivered.

Do they get pocket money? Stop that until they create a rota for cleaning the kitchen, bathroom and living room between them.
They will also have to clean their own bedrooms.

They'll soon step up.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/07/2019 11:11

Just STOP.

They're all old enough to get it. Do a rota again.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/07/2019 11:12

Just leave food in the fridge

I'd go further than that. Leave a tenner in the fridge with a map to the nearest shop...

cestlavielife · 04/07/2019 11:12

Don't cook on the evenings you are working for a start.

How is betting not gambling ?

Original poster
lawlaw14 · 04/07/2019 11:13

@Catapultaway skysports always has sport on everyday or he watched recorded WWE or some comedy program he likes ?

OP posts:
k1233 · 04/07/2019 11:13

I wouldn't write a letter. I'd just come home, make my own dinner, sit down and chill. If someone comments say you've told them for long enough they have to contribute. They think you're not serious, so now they can all look after themselves as you are not their slave. You have a life and it doesn't revolve around being their servant.

BarbaraofSevillle · 04/07/2019 11:13

All The cooking every day meaning I cook 4 afternoons before I leave for work including dishing up the meal and naming it

Sorry but when you do shit like that, you do partly have yourself to blame.

Every single person (including the 13 YO with her dad's help) is capable of doing their share, so why on earth are you doing it all?

Stop cooking for them on ALL the days you work in the evenings for a start. They'll soon figure it out.

Then you need a family meeting where you go through your OP, which sets out clearly how unfair it all is, and agree what everyone is going to do to contribute.

I wouldn't be doing any washing for anyone who doesn't pull their weight for a start. That's an easy thing for you to not do with little impact on yourself.

Original poster
lawlaw14 · 04/07/2019 11:14

@cestlavielife I worked in bookies 15 years it’s nit gambling as he loses no money as he lays bets off google matches betting its a popular way to earn money with no losses

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 04/07/2019 11:18

Just stop doing everything. But the girls should all be treated the same. If nobody is buying your SD clothes but your DD is getting them it is going to cause resentment. Childrens clothes should be part of the 50/50 bills.

nutbrownhare15 · 04/07/2019 11:18

You have to be tough op if you want things to change. Your husband sounds awful if he won't buy clothes for his dd (or do any housework). Can you talk to him about giving her a clothing allowance. Stop cooking on any night you work. Do your own washing only.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/07/2019 11:19

my husband makes me feel awful and guilty if I refuse to do everything.

Right. Why is that? He has way more free time than you do and feels it’s okay to try and guilt you into doing everything for him. That’s not okay OP. Is he making your life easier in any way or only harder? Would it help to come up with some simple phrases that tells him and then reiterates why his attitude is bullshit and you’re not being anyone’s doormat any longer?

Bananalanacake · 04/07/2019 11:19

yanbu. the 19 year old should be cooking a meal twice a week.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 04/07/2019 11:20

There must be losses otherwise everybody would just be sat at home doing it instead of going to work.

LoubyLou1234 · 04/07/2019 11:26

You aren't helping yourself by continuing to do it all. Kids are old enough to help. Husband should be doing his share too. Look after yourself and leave them all to it until they realise what you actually do for them all and that they need to help. I was bought up from a young age that we had to help in the house. Hated it but i became an independent young person!

When I moved in with my partner I made sure it was understood we share things. Eg I cook he washes up. He dusts/wipes down I hoover etc. We are a pretty good team as it goes.

Things will only change if you actually make a stand. You can vent all you want but it won't change their attitudes. You need to stand up to them and be more determined. Even if it means living in chaos for a bit.

MonkeyTrap · 04/07/2019 11:37

My mum stopped doing our washing and cooking when we were about 12/13. We all ended up taking turns to cook and just did our own washing. Just don’t do it.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 04/07/2019 11:38

YANBU to feel that you shouldn't be doing all the housework. YABU in that you are doing all the housework whilst whinging that you shouldn't be! Just stop doing it. Wash your own clothes, make your own meals. You complain about your situation but have given them no impetus to change that situation. Why should they? Yes, you complain about it to them, but that's just white noise. Everything still gets done for them, so where's the need to change? In some families, respect for you would lead to change but that's clearly not going to be the case here, so you'll have to take action that has a direct impact on their complacency and comfort.

I wouldn't even explain, I'd just stop. And when they ask why, then tell them that that's clearly how it works in your house - none of them lift a finger to do anything so you decided that their lives looked much more appealing than yours.

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