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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU feeling I shouldn’t do all the housework

88 replies

lawlaw14 · 04/07/2019 10:43

I have 3 daughters ones 24 and left home and lives 200 miles away.
I have a 19 & 14 year old living with me also my 13 year old stepdaughter lives with us she sees her mum 2 nights a week.

My husband and I both work, we pay 1/2 the bills each.
We work from home as retailers and he does matched betting ( making money from feee bets so not gambling)
I work on a Bistro 4 evenings a week.

The thing I’m exhausted with is my family are so lazy, I’ve asked them told them got angry with them and upset still nothing changes.
I did a rota, then all they do is stick religiously to it = they would never dare to do anything if one of them on the rota isn’t at home that day.

So I do all the housework ,
all the gardening,
all the food shopping ,
all the washing
All The cooking every day meaning I cook 4 afternoons before I leave for work including dishing up the meal and naming it.
I do all the DIY decorating etc

My husband says he doesn’t see what needs doing, lol even though I point it out.

He has a full day off on Mondays meaning he sits on the sofa watching sport all day or we may go out. I don’t I still have all the housework to do.

AIBU in thinking he should do 1/2 what’s needed and the girls should do more than wash up 1-2 times a week and put away the washing up 1-2 times a week each and Hoover once a week each ?

I have done everything for my husbands daughter since she was 6 so nearly 7 years and I feel it’s his responsibility.

Anyone got any nice words of advice not leave him etc as I feel with the right push he and the girls may see they should change ?

Thanks

OP posts:

Greenkit · 04/07/2019 11:40

I agree, just stop

Just shop for yourself, cook for yourself and do your own washing.

If anyone complains tell them to do one

FrenchJunebug · 04/07/2019 11:56

just stop doing everything and stick to your rota. They'll soon learn.

GabsAlot · 04/07/2019 11:59

What do you mean naming the food?
Stop doing everything-your husband sounds like a dickhe doesnt see what needs doing yeah right

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/07/2019 11:59

My Mum also stopped cooking when we were 12/13. She hated it.

We didn't starve. We learned how to cook...

You've been babying them for far too long. And your DH is a lazy arse. Time to stop being an exhausted martyr and just STOP.

Howyiz · 04/07/2019 12:41

He earns more than you but won't step up and take responsibility for buying his daughters clothes he would rather see her go without.
You work out of the home more than he does but he won't take responsibility for household chores.
He earns more than you and yet you each pay 50%, for bills and he takes no responsibility for anything else in the house.
The questions really are 1) why is your self esteem so low that you would let someone treat you like that?
2) how could you sit back and watch someone treat a child like that?

Pinkmalinky · 04/07/2019 12:46

Change the rota so it’s actually helpful for you. They stick to it religiously so make it work for you more! Add in cooking duties so it’s shared between you all, tell everyone they are responsible for sorting their own washing etc. Stop being everyone’s slave!

Therealjudgejudy · 04/07/2019 12:51

Your husband is a lazy selfish twat. You want to put up with him and being treated like a slave thats totally up to you.

Nanny0gg · 04/07/2019 13:06

I hate to say it, but you have a DH problem.

Blanca87 · 04/07/2019 13:08

Stop! for the love of God, woman.

Zilla1 · 04/07/2019 13:17

Perhaps the next names/labels of the food you prepare could be more descriptive/passive aggressive - labels should be age appropriate.

Cottage pie prepared by someone who loves you but whom you obviously don't like enough to do any housework.

Stew made by someone who has no free time. Enjoy sitting watching TV eating this while I go to work then come home and do all the housework you are unwilling to do.

Taswama · 04/07/2019 13:24

I agree definitely stop doing their washing as a minimum and reduce cooking as well.

flobella · 04/07/2019 13:27

I think the problem with just leaving it is it is very likely they still won't do it and then you will be living in a mess and feeling guilty that your daughters have no clean clothes to wear etc. You will end up being punished too.

If it was me, I would be tempted to write a list each morning divided into 4 columns of all the jobs that need doing that day, so that each person is allocated a fair and reasonable amount of chores to do each day to ensure the house is ticking over and no one is feeling like they are doing more than their fair share. You shouldn't have to point out the obvious, of course, but if that's what it takes to ensure you get a bit of a break then so be it. It's not a perfect solution but it might be a solution that works for you.

If someone is slacking off and the things in their 'column' don't get done then it is pretty obvious who that is and everyone knows who to blame when they are sitting down to no dinner, or the dishwasher hasn't been put on or whatever it is. If you allocate the jobs fairly (so whoever isn't at work that day does slightly more than the person who is, everything is age appropriate etc) then no one in your family can try to guilt trip you. Even if you have to write exactly what to cook for dinner and how (which is tedious, yes) at least you aren't actually the one doing it and it will save you a lot of time and resentment.

Sparklfairy · 04/07/2019 13:31

To all those skeptical about matched betting, just look it up before looking ignorant. It's simple maths.

sadkoala · 04/07/2019 13:37

You said they stick religiously to a rota.
Why not add to that and start from there?

Sometimes doing nothing/going on a strike just means nothing will get done and you will get fed up and go back to doing it.

Work it out so that everyone cooks a meal a week.
One person cooks and another washes up.
1 load of laundry a day washed and put away, with DCs and DP taking turns to do it, one puts it on and hangs out and one folds and sorts and leaves outside respective bedrooms for everyone to put their own away.
If they don't you just do your own and they can wear their dirty stuff.

Sit everyone down and explain the rota as you are not the sole maid/cook and gardener in this house and from now on everyone needs to pitch in and start learning skills they will need one day when they run their own houses.
If they get pocket money dock it if their share doesn't get done as everyone needs to equally contribute to the household.

timeisnotaline · 04/07/2019 13:39

I’d leave it all for a few days then move out for a few days so I didn’t put up with it.

I can’t believe he doesn’t buy his daughters clothes. I think I’d throw all his clothes out on the lawn- if it’s not important then he wont care will he?

Original poster

lawlaw14 · 04/07/2019 13:40

I just spoke to him about it and he got angry = hence me keep doing it

I grew up in a childhood of domestic voilence so I am a people pleaser trying to keep my parents happy so my dad didn’t eat my mum up all the time was what I thought was the thing to do and I’ve brought that into my adult life pleasing people

He thinks as I’ve allowed my children aged 14-19 to get away with housework etc why should his daughter be expected to do things ???? I git cross and said so don’t let her do anything but if she doesn’t do then it’s your job to do everything for her as I have been for 6.5 years

Match betting thousands people do , do it and make a huge living off doing it there’s loads on line and ways to make lots money so yes people who know do stay at home and make a living off matches betting

OP posts:

Original poster

lawlaw14 · 04/07/2019 13:41

@timeisnotaline I buy all his clothes too !!

OP posts:

Sceptre86 · 04/07/2019 13:42

Do an online shop. Have a family meeting and tell them that they are all lazy buggers and changes need to be made. Get them all to do their own laundry. After dinner they need to clear the table wipe down, load the dishwasher and put it on. If you don't have a dishwasher everyone at least does their own dishes. Get your dh to put the bins out every week for example. If you hoover once a day then they all have to do it a different day of the week. Ironing clothes they do them themselves.

Cooking wise ask them all what they want to eat for that week and then get them to all cook one day a week. Youngest might need help which is fair enough. At 19 getting your mum to serve your dinner is daft as is a wife serving up a husbands before she leaves for work. Is it not enough that you cook it? Surely they can manage this much on their own?

I can't fathom letting it get to this stage tbh but you have and now the focus should be on simple steps to change.

letsrunfar · 04/07/2019 13:43

Some people just aren't bothered.... I'm not, when I lived alone, I did the minimum. When the other half moved in, she set about getting things "straight", fine no problem.
I still do the minimum, the other half is like Mrs Hinch, that's her choice.
It wouldn't be right for her to try and change me. I haven't tried to change her.

Original poster

lawlaw14 · 04/07/2019 13:43

@sadkoala. You know that’s a good idea best one tbh my 19 year old works so doesn’t get money the youngest 2 hold out they’re hands and expect money as and when !!
I think your is the idea that may work as I am exhausted with everything

Thankyou

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 04/07/2019 13:46

So his anger keeps you going it

I think you need to look at your relationship and how much better you and your daughters life would be

because the most telling thing in your OP is he spends all of Monday doing nothing and your daughters follow a rota

RJnomore1 · 04/07/2019 13:47

Lawlaw I’m so sorry to hear that, I’ve had sepsis too though not related to pregnancy loss and it was awful.

I agree a rota is worth a go.

Original poster

lawlaw14 · 04/07/2019 13:49

@RJnomore1yes my self esteem is low I have chronic ibs and I can’t travel so I hope you feel better about yourself saying that to someone who suffers terrible anxiety caused by a father who beat her mum up ?

I am not responsible for the way he treats his child I provided for her looked after her I’ve told him numerous amounts of time he needs to be her dad so that’s not in my head

OP posts:

Original poster

lawlaw14 · 04/07/2019 13:51

@RJnomore1. Thankyou yes I was heavily pregnancy lost 1 twin early then had hemorghing and had months bedrest consultant midwife go all told me it was pregnancy sickness it was t it was sepsis and I needed up in critical care and then had months hemorghing after blue lighted to resus I’m lucky to be here so now I simply want to be appreciated and I know posting here is a risk as there are some awful comments but some are really helpful thankyou xx

OP posts:

Original poster

lawlaw14 · 04/07/2019 13:54

@TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross lol
Yes their lives look better that’s the best thing to say 😂

OP posts:

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