AIBU feeling I shouldn’t do all the housework

[lawlaw14]

I have 3 daughters ones 24 and left home and lives 200 miles away.
I have a 19 & 14 year old living with me also my 13 year old stepdaughter lives with us she sees her mum 2 nights a week.

My husband and I both work, we pay 1/2 the bills each.
We work from home as retailers and he does matched betting ( making money from feee bets so not gambling)
I work on a Bistro 4 evenings a week.

The thing I’m exhausted with is my family are so lazy, I’ve asked them told them got angry with them and upset still nothing changes.
I did a rota, then all they do is stick religiously to it = they would never dare to do anything if one of them on the rota isn’t at home that day.

So I do all the housework ,
all the gardening,
all the food shopping ,
all the washing
All The cooking every day meaning I cook 4 afternoons before I leave for work including dishing up the meal and naming it.
I do all the DIY decorating etc

My husband says he doesn’t see what needs doing, lol even though I point it out.

He has a full day off on Mondays meaning he sits on the sofa watching sport all day or we may go out. I don’t I still have all the housework to do.

AIBU in thinking he should do 1/2 what’s needed and the girls should do more than wash up 1-2 times a week and put away the washing up 1-2 times a week each and Hoover once a week each ?

I have done everything for my husbands daughter since she was 6 so nearly 7 years and I feel it’s his responsibility.

Anyone got any nice words of advice not leave him etc as I feel with the right push he and the girls may see they should change ?

Thanks

I’ve brought all his daughters clothes from my own money from 2013-2018 he earns more than me and her mother wastes her money on holidays drink clothes cars etc so I’d buy all my stepdaughters clothes school uniform do all her washing and iron them and last year I said no more

This is an outrage

Down tools immediately, your family does not respect or appreciate you and your husband is one selfish man...

@Horsemenoftheaclopalypse he is paying for our house to be built this is the only reason I have done this but I’m sick of her mother having expensive holidays going to festivals party’s and buying herself clothes and not providing for her child

I agree he is selfish though and I’m so tired

Yes I know your right it’s all my fault being a people pleaser

It's not your fault - you're victim-blaming now, even though you're the victim! It's the fault of the lazy arses who are taking advantage of your insecurities.

Sit him down and show him how you think it should work.

And when he refuses to change, and tells OP she's being unreasonable, and she's got mental health problems, then what? Don't you think OP has already tried that? She's already said she's tried to talk to him about it, and he turned it around on her. And a different variation of the rota will make fuck all difference. It's just more work for OP.

OP, you should do the Freedom Programme. It seems all your relationships have been abusive, and this one is no different. The cycle will continue, and your daughters will also find themselves in abusive relationships.

You need to stop laying down, and letting everyone walk all over you. You may not think you're worth more, but I bet I'm not the only one who thinks you are worth much more than this. Some counselling would do you good.

You are the only person who can make changes. You are a person too, so try pleasing yourself occasionally.

You mentioned he always turns it onto your daughter's in defence of his. NO. This stops.

If you are supposed to be together you are a unit. Not yours or mine. It's "ours" and it's "we". I understand it is your step daughter however you have been in her life long enough to be able to implement rules in your own bloody home! Especially since she is here most of the time no?

They are all going to have to step up. Not just "your" DC's or "his" DC . ALL of them equally.
I'd understand if she was significantly younger but she is not.

And don't let him turn this on you. he just needs to be on your team rather than on the defense and you both need to implement the new rules together.

Easier said than done but if it's getting so petty you really do need to work out as I mentioned below and you can go from there how much you can realistically expect from him, yourself and DC's.

@motoko as you can see I said IF she wants to stay with him.

Relationships are extremely complicated and a lot easier to judge from the outside. I don't know exactly how their conversations went , maybe it was in anger and with shouting, maybe it was all just accusations. maybe you are right.

I'm just trying to give examples of what could be tried if she doesn't want to walk away just yet. Or at all.

Maybe she needs to be stern and factual and don't get involved in any attempt at deflection and just present it very coldly and "this is how it is".
Maybe it will work.
Maybe it won't.

If it doesn't and she ends up walking away at least she can say she gave it a fair shot and she knows she's better off without him.

Move out for a week, and leave a copy of this book on the kitchen table!

www.worldofbooks.com/en-gb/books/anthony-browne/piggybook/GOR003025719?keyword=&gclid=CjwKCAjwx_boBRA9EiwA4kIELpUtp5upbqEPC7kjo9Y4T4JvRVzQzOtiukkxO6BnPyDSpWB8gToNmhoC1XkQAvD_BwE

She doesn't want to leave him, but trying to talk to him won't work. The only thing she can do in that case, is change herself. Stop letting them walk all over her. Stop doing their washing, cooking, etc. But, I get the feeling, she's not going to do that, and she'll be in the same situation this time next year, and the year after. It will have to take her hitting rock bottom before she does anything.

If he is matched betting is he setting himself strict working hours or just sat staring at screens all day?

Because it is addictive and the more you do, the more you earn but you do have to balance family life and responsibilities as well.

I matched bet, and have set days I work and set hours. Because I have other commitments. So need to have start and end times.

And if he is multi accounting he needs to he able to prove some kind of income to fund the house build. I hope he is withdrawing cash and not transferring money from 'client' accounts to his own otherwise it can be classed as an income and he will be liable to income tax on it. And he needs to be able to justify the cash he has.

Wrt the domestic drudgery just don't do it. Do a rota, tell them you cooking and providing spending money is dependent on the rota being followed. If it doesn't get followed they don't get fed or any other luxuries.

You need to get therapy to sort out your low self esteem.
While you aren't responsible for how he treats his daughter or you, why would you stay with him? Which again comes back to the point that you should get help to sort out your low self esteem.

I would leave him. No man is worth working yourself into the ground for. He's sucking the life out of you.

You cant change those around you without changing yourself first. If you change and the rest dont then time to make drastic steps going forward. Best of luck to you OP

If you are a people pleaser, there are two choices: suck it up and stop complaining OR stop doing it. You want to keep doing it, complain and have other people change. But why should they change when you don't?

There are really easy things to stop immediately; other people's laundry; buying clothes; cooking when you're not eating. They won't affect you and will be off your plate.

If you won't do that, channel Elsa and let it go!