AIBU feeling I shouldn’t do all the housework

[lawlaw14]

I have 3 daughters ones 24 and left home and lives 200 miles away.
I have a 19 & 14 year old living with me also my 13 year old stepdaughter lives with us she sees her mum 2 nights a week.

My husband and I both work, we pay 1/2 the bills each.
We work from home as retailers and he does matched betting ( making money from feee bets so not gambling)
I work on a Bistro 4 evenings a week.

The thing I’m exhausted with is my family are so lazy, I’ve asked them told them got angry with them and upset still nothing changes.
I did a rota, then all they do is stick religiously to it = they would never dare to do anything if one of them on the rota isn’t at home that day.

So I do all the housework ,
all the gardening,
all the food shopping ,
all the washing
All The cooking every day meaning I cook 4 afternoons before I leave for work including dishing up the meal and naming it.
I do all the DIY decorating etc

My husband says he doesn’t see what needs doing, lol even though I point it out.

He has a full day off on Mondays meaning he sits on the sofa watching sport all day or we may go out. I don’t I still have all the housework to do.

AIBU in thinking he should do 1/2 what’s needed and the girls should do more than wash up 1-2 times a week and put away the washing up 1-2 times a week each and Hoover once a week each ?

I have done everything for my husbands daughter since she was 6 so nearly 7 years and I feel it’s his responsibility.

Anyone got any nice words of advice not leave him etc as I feel with the right push he and the girls may see they should change ?

Thanks

@letsrunfar. It’s cooking washing food shopping and general cleaning cutting grass that’s not hard is it which you say you did and do where as they do nothing unless made to

This sounds hideous lawlaw. The problem is, is that they don’t care and they don’t want to either. I think you will have to be very dramatic. I would probably throw something at them and then check into a hotel until further notice.

So does your DH not even have joint finances with you, even though he rams more? What a man! Tosser! I wouid just kick him off the sofa (literally); empty the laundry basket over him and go.

Sometimes you have to physically disappear for them to notice anything. Your kids aren’t little or in danger if you walk out. Do it!

You'd think after you being so ill they'd appreciate you more. Yes, you should stop cooking on those evenings you work, and stop buying his clothes. I think you have to be a lot more stubborn about this. It can't continue, you'll damage your health.

@Zaeem5. We are having a house built I paid my savings into the land and he paid 40% of the land cost and he is paying for the house to be built hence me paying 1/2 the bills so that’s why he isn’t paying more but tbh he is tight with money

He does need a kick up the ass I shouted at him today and he told me I had mental health problems ??? As I said he’s out of order being lazy and expecting me to do what he doesn’t do himself - look after his daughter and the hime he lives in so he told me stop work and he’ll guge me the money meaning I’d have to do everyone and not expect anyone to help lmao I told him nah I like earning my own money and I’m not having it so he has an excuse to sit on his ass

HRTFT stop doing anything. Eat out. Don't do any shopping, cleaning or gardening. Look after yourself.

The reason why you're having to do it all is because you do it all.

@Tighnabruaich yes you’d hop wouldn’t you he knows I nearly died he saw me in intensive care lost 2 litres blood his babies and sepsis ......
They all saw what I went through I also deal with his ex wife’s addictions anger and threats and my son in law killed himself last year aged 22 daddy to my grandchildren my youngest grandchild aged 2 was in the flat when he did it alone and a host of other things
I said today I’m one person not a machine and I’d love someone to do something for me ......
People don’t appreciate what they have until it’s gone do they

@Juells I do keep telling myself to do that
I may one Friday just bugger off for a night alone and leave a note saying you all take the P I’m off

For years I've torn my hair out over my best friend (I've posted on threads about her before) who does everything for everyone, and not only gets no thanks, she gets criticised. It's like she's defined her position in the family as general skivvy, so she's never thanked - and if she does say that she hasn't been thanked she gets abused. They gang up on her, and say things like "Well it's one against three of us who think you're being unreasonable. So it's obviously you in the wrong."

She's had a bit of a breakthrough recently, by simply withdrawing and not doing things for people, not allowing them to emotionally manipulate her. She put an elastic band on her arm, up under her sleeve, and every time she was about to cave in she slyly reached up her sleeve and snapped the band to jerk her out of her 'helpful' mode, and back into "I'm not their skivvy" mode. It has really worked.

@sweeneytoddsrazor everyone could do it but tbh it’s nice that they don’t as there’s more offers for those that do.

@Juells yes that’s exactly like me I’m glad things have or are changing for her I know it’s my own fault through anxiety I’ve given way more than I should and only I can change it. Thankyou

@electricmoogalo you know it annoys me so much how people have closed minds Thankyou for being educated to the fact you can make a lot money from matched betting
If you multi account you earn a lot but it’s addictive hence why my husband is always doing it and he has no energy left for his daughter or me

Why are you buying his clothes, especially when he earns more than you?

Why don't you want to LTB? How does being with him improve your life?

You've chosen a shit man, because of your upbringing. He may not beat you up, but saying you've got mental health problems, when you complain about the situation, is emotional abuse, and a classic line that abusers use to put their partner in their place.

My children were all shown how to use the washing machine at the age of 13/14. Time for yours to learn.

Stop cooking on the days you work, at least.

Start valuing yourself, you're worth more than this shit. Don't take any shit from your husband. He is the one who is being totally unreasonable, so don't ever doubt that.

Time to take back your life.

Forgot to say, stop buying his clothes, starting right now. If he needs something, he can fucking pay for it himself.

Yes totally agree he is paying for our house to be built I paid 60% of the land he paid 40% he’s paying the house build so that’s why I have clothes him and his child

I know I’m soft but it’s hard to change and I’m trying to but it sets off my anxiety as my money’s wrapped up in the relationship I can’t afford to just say it’s over and I know it seems sad but id like it to work I’ve already left an alcoholic husband of 16 years then a cheating controlling cheat I obviously learn in childhood that women don’t have self esteem

If it was me, I would be tempted to write a list each morning divided into 4 columns of all the jobs that need doing that day, so that each person is allocated a fair and reasonable amount of chores to do each day to ensure the house is ticking over and no one is feeling like they are doing more than their fair share.

Ohmigod that would drive me up the walls. Let people have dirty clothes if they don't wash them. 13- 14- and 19-year-olds are well capable of looking after their own clothes, and cooking. I don't like housework, and my two were vegetarian from an early age, so they cooked for themselves and sorted their own washing.

I've gone back and read more of your posts, and see that your childhood was much like that of the friend I described. In her case, it was her mother who was the abusive alcoholic, and it's turned her into a desperate people-pleaser. She's fighting it, though. Various counsellors have told her that she has no boundaries, and she's trying to work on that. Difficult when you don't recognise when people are over-stepping them though. :(

@Juells yes it would be just as much effort for me to sit down right out what everyone has to do than to do it myself I simply don’t feel they are stupid and I had written Rots saying clean bathroom clean your room and they don’t and my husband then moans the Rotas not fair as my eldest who was doing a levels and works does less than his child who comes here 4-5 days a week and sit in her iPhone
He’s annoyed me today saying I should see this out his child’s eyes and I don’t see it from his point of view
She will think oh how come I’ve not made my children 2&7 years older than her do more and she will think it’s unfair
??????
I said how about he see it as his daughter thinking why does my dad expect his wife to do everything for me and he does nothing
He still won’t agree he thinks I’m being unkind as I’ve dine for my children longer than his and I can’t make him see it’s his child and I should not be expected to do for her what he won’t himself.
So I’ve left it as
If your daughter doesn’t do things you age to do then and I know you won’t put up with that - I said I’ve liked after her every need from aged 6-13 so now she’s not a tiny child she able to do more

He didn’t agree

He doesn't matter whether he agrees or not, can't you see that? You just down tools.

I have done everything for my husbands daughter since she was 6 so nearly 7 years and I feel it’s his responsibility....I’ve brought all his daughters clothes from my own money from 2013-2018 he earns more than me....I buy all his clothes too !!
OP - YOU choose to do all this out of your own free will!
You can always say no and refuse.

I am a people pleaser...it’s just not in my nature to let them get on with it I’ve tried many times
OP - do you want an award for Martyr of the Year? Cos there are none.
You'd rather make excuses to enable this crap instead of taking personal responsibility to change it - yes, YOU CHOOSE to enable this.

my husband makes me feel awful and guilty if I refuse to do everything
This is the only part where i have sympathy for you.
Your husband is an ABUSIVE BASTARD and you need to get rid of him.
He enjoys abusing you, humiliating you, undermining and demeaning you. He basically enjoys kicking you whilst your down.
You're his VICTIM.

What's the point in you asking for help - which is basically what you're doing by posting here under the guise of 'venting' if YOU are not prepared to change the status quo?
Keep going as you are and you're going to end up either in an early grave, having a complete mental and physical breakdown or spending your old age in poverty because the dickhead your tethered to has used/taken all your money.

Stop whingeing and DO something to change your situation.

OP if you want this to work and you'd rather not leave him you need a sit down and a calm but frank discussion about your situation.

First of all you sit down on your own and work out how both of you contribute to the household. How many hours each of you work/earnings/chores/cooking/childcare and so on. Then compare it and draw up a rota of what seems fair and that everyone needs to contribute to not just you and DP.

Sit him down and show him how you think it should work. Tell him it's not working as you are running yourself ragged and everyone else just expects you to cater for them and it's not right. What would he be doing if he was on his own? How would he clean cook and look after his DC ?
A relationship is a partnership, give and take not just take take take and give give give.
Say you both need to make changes for everyone to be happier and better rounded as a family.

You don't want DC's who can't do anything for themselves as they get to adulthood, you don't want a DP who sits on his backside waiting for you to do everything and giving a bad example to the DC's.
You want a balanced setup where everyone pitches in and does their share because you are a family are you not?

@SavingSpaces2019 lol no I won’t be in poverty I’ve a large investment in land we are having our house built on he’s paying for it to be built and my name is on it 50%

Thanks though for your kind worlds

You're not at all unreasonable. Can you afford to employ a cleaner once a week? It would make such a difference.

@sadkoala. Yes I agree he is making money to have our house built and it’s in my name 50% I paid 60% to the land he’s paying a lot more than me this is why I have been soft as in laying for more and doing more but I am annoyed as the children are aging and still expecting to do nothing unless pushed
And he will always make out my girls are worse when his daughter is his responsibility as he does nothing for mine I don’t see why he feels I should do 100% everything for her

That’s where it is complicated as he’s doing long hours to lay for the house build but in reality he shouldn’t expect me to do everything else and work I’m simply not a machine

You have only one life. Ask yourself if it's reasonable that your life is spent being a skivvy for other people?

Skivvy is a horrible insulting word, but if it helps you to pull away from doing everything for everyone, with no thanks, use the word to put steel in your backbone. Repeat ten times a day "I am not their skivvy"

@Bluerussian no as we are having a house built and every penny is going into this but we’ve had huge problems with a scamming builder who also built on the neighbours land and that entailed loads legal costs so we don’t have spare money for a cleaner

But we have 3 teenager who can do cleaning who are lazy who sit on their iPhones relaxing all the time

@Juells. Yes I know your right it’s all my fault being a people pleaser isn’t the best for myself but being I’ve always been that way it’s so hard to stop and I wasn’t venting as some one seemed to think it okay to rip me apart on here I was asking for advice from anyone who’s been where I am
When people rip you apart on here they should remember that havent a clue what some of us are going through been through should they