A message on flowers for baby passing

[plasterboots]

Posting here for traffic.

A friends son and wife have very sadly lost their DS aged only five hours.

I want to send flowers , in a vase so nothing for them to do.

What message should I write?

I thought

"We are so sad that you couldn't hold XXXX for longer"

Any thoughts please?

In terms of soft toys, memory boxes, photo frames etc I personally think that sort of acquisition is probably the preserve of the grieving parents or very close family.

I wouldn't bother with flowers and would just send a card with a thinking of you type message. Saying sorry you couldn't hold xxx longer implies that it was in some way her doing so definitely avoid that. X

I gave her a congratulations on your baby girl (name) card

Oh god, I wouldn't do that unless I was 100 % sure that it would be the right thing for the parents. I don't know if such a card would have made me laugh hysterically about the insensitive or put me in a rage if I had received one for mine, but it's awful if you are not in the right state of mind.

Agree with above, keep it simple, nothing wrong with flowers or little gift with a name, they don't have to keep them if they are in the way.

The main thing is to let them know you are there and to acknowledge the baby. Thinking of you and xxx works.

A friend of mine lost her baby three months ago. I sent her a specialised card for baby loss, think I found it on Thortful and it meant a lot to her. I mentioned her DD’s name inside the card too which again, meant a lot to her.

Don’t just send a generic ‘thinking of you’ card with no mention of their baby.

It’s awful. I lost a nephew at 6 days old. I didn’t want to write anything generic so I wrote a little poem.

Please don’t write about not being to hold their son longer, I don’t think they need reminding of that. It’s devastating 😥

I lost my Dd and the best messages I received were about her specifically, thinking of your darling little dd and you all at this sad time. Etc. It felt so important to me that people knew and used her name.

So many memories for me and for so many. What would have comforted me so much was even a little thing to keep,like a tiny photo frame as suggested, the only thing I had was a rattle someone gave me before they knew what had happened. My friend wondered whether to give her friend the baby bracelet she had got for the birth, she did, and it was a precious keepsake. Something tangible with a name even if tiny, i later embroidered a sampler with all my children as baby birds in a nest, with my lost baby among the leaves but still present. Nothing can help but love, and mentioning the name. You are lovely friends, xxx

When we lost our baby, the hospital gave us a bear from the Aching Arms Charity to take him. It had been donated by another family who had been through the same thing in the name of their baby. It was so touching and the bear lives on my bed.
You could donate a bear in their babies name and also request a bear for them to let them know that they are not alone.

achingarms.co.uk

*take home

@Silene 💐

I would send a simple card with 'thinking of you and (son's name) at this time'

I think this is one of those occasions where it's hard to know what to do or say. We lost our son during labour. I appreciated the flowers and cards with his name mentioned. In my grief I resented that my work didn't send flowers as though the birth of my child didn't count because he died. It's hard to think rationally during something like this. I never forgave the couple of "friends" who didn't even send a text because they didn't know what to say. You just want your child acknowledged. I'm so sorry they are having to go through this. No-one should ever have to bury a child :-(

Please keep it simple. Sometimes the most well intended message can sound patronising or hurtful to someone who's lost a baby.
I had loads of seemingly sympathetic words spoken to me and they just made me more upset and angry at those saying them. My worst was them saying that baby wasn't meant for this world or some shit. If baby wasn't then why did I have to go through all that pain? Why come in the first place? It's just hurtful.

Mentioning the baby's name is usually okay.
I would go with something along the lines of " we are very sorry about your loss. You and

And if possible, add a vase to the flowers order. I had so many flowers and nothing to put them in. Neighbours were kind enough to lend me a couple.

I lost my third child, Christopher to stillbirth in April this year. There’s not much that can be considered ‘right’ in these horrible circumstances.

I will say to avoid expressing your sadness at the moment as others have suggested, and if you know their sons name, include that as my biggest fear was and still is that people won’t want to speak of little Christopher now that he has been buried. Like he never happened. Anything with his name on from other people are now treasured and are in his memory box.

I was bombarded by cards when we had let everybody know that Christopher was stillborn. Some said “too beautiful for this world/too pure for this world” and I hated those messages (I don’t blame the friends who wrote it, there’s not really much a person can say in such heartbreaking circumstances) but those ones set me on edge the most.

Others saying my son was in a better place also upset me (I’m not suggesting you’d send this by the way) as there should be no better place for my baby boy than in my arms. Also I’m an atheist.

The card I treasure most had a poem that was written by my DH’s godmother. I had never met her, the first time I did was on the day of my sons funeral.

Send your condolences, in words that suit you. My DH’s godmother wrote: Our deepest condolences. Our thoughts are with you and Christopher at this very sad time. Fondest Regards.

A bit old school but she is in her 90’s.

I’m so sorry for the heartbreak your friends are experiencing. Another card I received was from my DH’s uncle who lost his son when his son was 19. It was very simple:

“No words can express the hurt you are feeling. Please remember there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Try to keep Christopher alive within yourselves and we will do the same - and remember to eat something whenever you can.”

That one of course is very personal due to the fact that he too had experienced the loss of a child, under very different circumstances. So we could accept his advice because we knew he understood better than most, our grief. He was right to remind me to eat as I didn’t for three weeks after losing Christopher (except a slice of toast here and there).

My mum got me potted ‘forget-me-not’ flowers. I still have those and recently planted them in my garden. All other flowers were hard to receive as I’m no good at keeping them alive for any longer than a few days and it hurt I failed with that too (was how I felt at the time) but you know your friend, so you can determine better whether flowers would be a nice idea for them or not. Very kind of you to be so considerate OP

I wonder if people have missed that this is a friend’s son. I might be wrong, but that doesn’t strike me as a particularly close relationship. I wouldn’t sent toys, memory boxes etc to someone unless I knew them well and knew they’d be wanted.

I also agree that including the baby’s name in their Christmas card is really odd.

Thinking of you and babies name is sufficient.

Flowers are difficult some people love them some hate them.

I actually had congratulations on the birth of your baby cards and condolence cards although I had twins only one of which died. I did like getting "on the birth of your baby" cards as he had been born although then he died. A small number of people sent both types of card and they actually acknowledge his birth and his death and that to me feels good, to recognise he was here. He was born. He did live. Then he died.

I occasionally get the cards out and reread them. I always appreciate it when people have put the name of my son who died in cards.

Please don't put sorry you're baby was born sleeping or dreaming as you can wake from those.
You can't wake from being dead.

I sometimes put "in my thoughts and prayers" on cards if I know the people concerned well enough for it not to be offensive. I have found that even if someone is not religious themselves they appreciate someone else saying a prayer on their behalf. (Obviously you need to judge this based in the individuals concerned.)

Absolutely do mention both parents as often Dads get forgotten/sidelined.

Second the people who say to remember their birthday and as with babies we count days then weeks then months it might be nice to contact them on some of those dates. Not to remind them their baby is dead but to remind them you are thinking of them at these milestones.

I also got a name the star gift box. At the time I couldn't face it and put it away and then found it after the time allowed so now feel bad that someone spent money on it and I couldn't face dealing with it at the time.

Good luck with your response.

Not for now but in time to come this book might make a very meaningfull present?.

www.waterstones.com/book/ask-me-his-name/elle-wright/9781788701792

I would put "thinking of you with love from " on the card, but on a letter acknowledge the baby's name and offer more personal sentiments. Avoid "I can't imagine " or "I'm so sorry" it's ok in face to face conversation but not in letter form

If you've not sent it yet, could you send a plant rather than flowers? When my sister died, my family were sent flowers, and as an 8 year old questioning why it happened, I thought it was weird to send flowers which would die a week or so later! A plant will continue to live and be a symbol of remembrance long after the cut flowers have died and been thrown away.

At my parents house, there is a lovely lavender in a tub which is full of flowers at this time of year, bought by a relative as a sorry for your loss present.

Also, as for a message, leave it simple. " Dear friend, sorry for the loss of baby name. I'm thinking of you. Much love name". I imagine it's hard to find a nice, appropriate card. Try expensive card shops rather than card factory or m&s. You'll know the one when you see it, maybe just a nice picture of a flower field. Most cards for sorry for your loss are designed for old people and definitely wouldn't be suitable- both in design and in verse.

My parents kept all my sister's sorry for your loss cards and treasure people's kind words.

@charleymouse ❤

@NaviSprite thank you so much for taking all that time, I'm so sorry for your loss of Christopher xx

@Charleymouse xx

I wonder if people have missed that this is a friend’s son. I might be wrong, but that doesn’t strike me as a particularly close relationship. I wouldn’t sent toys, memory boxes etc to someone unless I knew them well and knew they’d be wanted

I think a lot of posters have missed this unfortunately, and are responding as if it’s the OP’s best friend who has lost their baby for example.

I loved your original message, OP. I wouldn’t have liked a congratulations card. Using their baby’s name is good, I think. At least it’s what I wanted.

I would steer clear of the personal. A donation to sands in the baby’s memory would have been something I would have appreciated