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Original poster

A message on flowers for baby passing

104 replies

plasterboots · 04/07/2019 09:00

Posting here for traffic.

A friends son and wife have very sadly lost their DS aged only five hours.

I want to send flowers , in a vase so nothing for them to do.

What message should I write?

I thought

"We are so sad that you couldn't hold XXXX for longer"

Any thoughts please?

OP posts:
FudgeBrownie2019 · 04/07/2019 09:22

Flowers OP, this is so sad.

Original poster
plasterboots · 04/07/2019 09:24

@FudgeBrownie2019 thank you, my heart breaks for the couple. Honestly I can't tell you how broken they are.

OP posts:
LuckyBitches · 04/07/2019 09:26

Small point - I would be sure to include "I am/we are" ahead of "thinking of you". When I was bereaved I found the more touching somehow.

BertrandRussell · 04/07/2019 09:26

Do you know his name?

I ask because when a friend of mine lost a baby, I did know his name and used it in a brief note- and she told me later that it meant a lot.

And can I suggest-not flowers? Sometimes they feel like an extra burden that has to be dealt with.

BentBaastard · 04/07/2019 09:26

How absolutely tragic for them.....😥😥😥

I know you mean well but don’t send flowers as the world and his wife will send flowers and it will be a drop in the ocean.

I would send a card and maybe something in a few weeks.

Iwant2move · 04/07/2019 09:30

Use his name but don't make it about you. Please keep in touch for far longer than you would think was necessary. Don't ever be scared to talk about their son. There is no time limit for grief.

Original poster
plasterboots · 04/07/2019 09:31

@BertrandRussell yes we do know his name. I think I will write a note as suggested with his name in it.

OP posts:
GruciusMalfoy · 04/07/2019 09:32

A small keepsake is a nice idea. When my sister lost her baby it was important to her that we all used her name, and we felt comfortable to chat about her. We still do, she's part of our family. If you know that your friends want to speak about their baby, in time you can let them know you think about him too. Using his name is important. Just follow their lead I'd say.

Sindragosan · 04/07/2019 09:32

If they're religious, 'praying for you and baby xx' may work, but if you're not sure about religious beliefs, best to leave all talk of God/angels etc out of it.

If they're Catholic you could send a prayer card, but again, not if not Catholic.

TheWormThatTurned · 04/07/2019 09:34

Do you know if they named the baby?
Having lost a child, I always appreciate it when someone refers to my child by name.
I personally found “thinking of you” just a bit blah and meaningless.
If they’ve named the baby, something that includes “we will always remember Baby X” along with some other thoughtful words.

Also agree with PP, if they have other children, offer to have them for a play date, cook a meal etc if you can.

So sorry for your friends.

Hahaha88 · 04/07/2019 09:35

It's a very kind thought but please don't send flowers. They will die and it's just another reminder of death. A potted plant or a rose bush if they have a garden would be lovely. I'd write something like thinking of you. Sweet dreams baby xxxx

Knitwit99 · 04/07/2019 09:37

I would just write "We are thinking of you and baby Fred. With love from Mary"

I don't think there is anything else you can say really. So sad.

Potentialmadcatlady · 04/07/2019 09:37

‘Never forgotten’....

AugustRose · 04/07/2019 09:40

Definitely put his name on the card, it will be so important when they have time to look back and know that you thought of their child.

Flowers are tricky, plants are better, when my son died a friend bought me a plant (lavender) that lived for years afterwards and it meant so much to me.

BanginChoons · 04/07/2019 09:41

Is it possible to send a plant instead of flowers? When my baby died I didn't want to be surrounded by dying flowers. One friend sent a plant which I still have today ten years on.

Kanga83 · 04/07/2019 09:45

Does he have a name? When my boss' baby was so very sadly stillborn he and his wife made it known no flowers. We did the 'buy a star' gift. It's gimmeky but we named a star after his boy and they really appreciated it.

VivienneHolt · 04/07/2019 09:51

I think ‘we are so sad’ doesn’t sound right because it’s more about your feelings than theirs (though obviously well intentioned). I would refer to their baby by name (as per suggestion from Feathering The Empty Nest), so something like ‘we are so sorry for the loss of your beautiful son X, and we are thinking of you with love’

ScatteredMama82 · 04/07/2019 09:51

OP it's lovely that you are trying so hard to find the right thing to say. They are fortunate to have a friend like you, it's impossible to imagine how they are feeling. Our friends baby was stillborn soon after our son was born. I had also just lost my Dad. I was an emotional minefield myself and I know I said ALL the wrong things, I feel terrible about it even now, 9 years on! I think what others have said about a note, and using his name is a good idea. I bought my friend a bracelet with the initials of all her children on it, including the first who was stillborn. She loves it.

babybrain77 · 04/07/2019 09:51

Another vote here for not flowers. My mum can't stand the sight of flowers now having lost 2 babies and an adult child - they become a constant reminder of the very worst things that have ever happened to them. I would send a card now with a short message, and mark your diary to send another in a month or 6 weeks - just when other condolence messages have stopped coming in and the earth shattering reality is starting to sink in.

HazelBite · 04/07/2019 09:53

Sometimes just saying "Much love" is enough

FenellaMaxwell · 04/07/2019 09:54

As others have said, I think it’s really important to use his name. Just “we are thinking of you and XXXX at this time, and sending you all our love” or something.

Flowers for you too, OP.

lululatetotheparty · 04/07/2019 09:56

We lost a baby in very sad circumstances and (I have posted before about this) so many of our generation just didn't know how to express their sadness... and some got it very wrong indeed and actually caused more heartache. Not their fault as, as a generation, we have often experienced very little loss. Older people knew what to write etc. and what we needed to hear.

I liked receiving flowers, (although I know that isn't true for others) and think it is important to mention the baby by name.

"Sorry for your loss of your son XXX, thinking of you"

is perfect. You sound like a very kind friend.

Durgasarrow · 04/07/2019 09:57

"Holding X for longer" is devastating. But using baby's name is nice.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/07/2019 09:57

And this from Iwanttomove bears repeating as I have also found this to be helpful re my friend in such circumstances:-

"Don't ever be scared to talk about their son. There is no time limit for grief"

2strands · 04/07/2019 09:59

My friend had a stillborn, I gave her a congratulations on your baby girl (name) card and gave her the biggest bunch of flowers with "love to you all" message.

She said a few weeks later it was the kindest thing anyone had done because she never got any baby cards because her dd had died and she wanted to keep cards to make a collage for her to hang on the wall.

Make sure you use the babies name.

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