A message on flowers for baby passing

[plasterboots]

Posting here for traffic.

A friends son and wife have very sadly lost their DS aged only five hours.

I want to send flowers , in a vase so nothing for them to do.

What message should I write?

I thought

"We are so sad that you couldn't hold XXXX for longer"

Any thoughts please?

Life is bloody tough sometimes, I wish no one had to write any of these words.

Yes there is another thread on here at the moment regarding a woman who lost little Emma when she was a couple of days old, she's still in greif 10 years later on, poor soul.

Put what you think fit, or feel rather..

When I lost a baby years ago, my friend sent me a miniature rose bush called ‘sweet dreams’ (it’s apricot coloured) and a tiny silver photo frame with stars on. Both lovely thoughts and lasted much longer than flowers

When my DD died (at age 5 not a baby) I hated all the flowers I got. They were such a nuisance as I had to take delivery of them and find a space for them plus they were a constant reminder of what had happened. Even now the smell of lots of flowers, in particular lilies, takes me back to that time. I would suggest you just send them a card.

Having been there, I agree with Lulu. Simple card.

I had a stillborn daughter at full term and didn’t mind flowers but some were already dead before I got home from hospital so I’d agree with pp not flowers. I had some beautiful cards and letters though and I treasured them most. I have a memory box for my daughter and a Molly Bear (a bear made for her exact weight and with little details I associate with her) so I could hold it when I was really struggling though I appreciate how personal these sort of keepsakes can be. One friend bought me a necklace with both my daughter’s names which I really loved, but the little memory bits are probably best coming a little later. I don’t think I could have handled those very thoughtful things straight away. As one pp said, it’s a couple of months later that you really need those little cards (when the really deep sadness replaces the horror). You are a very kind friend OP

I also found flowers difficult (DD died at 3 months) honestly they mostly went from package to bin. A card is great but even better is remembering them this year, sending food or a cleaner or offering to do chores for them because the first year after a baby’s death is honestly even harder than the first year after a new baby.

Also remember their baby’s birthday next year, remember to include the baby in their Christmas card.

I found a quote from
Star Trek really true when DD died.
‘It’s funny the day you lose someone isn’t the worst, at least you have something to do. It’s all the days they stay dead’
It’s being there for all those days after the funeral with help and friendship that really makes a difference

Can I make a suggestion to put the date in your phone so you can remember the baby in years to come. I have done this for a friend and I know she appreciates thoughts on the anniversary of her son’s death a few years on. I’m afraid I wouldn’t remember the exact date otherwise.

Can I recommend this podcast griefcast? It’s a series of interviews with people-mostly comedians- who have lost someone they love. It’s so insightful and oddly comforting. I must just put a trigger warning on this week’s episode with Jayson Greene- it’s about the accidental death of a very young child and may be too much for some people. But even in that there is positivity and hope of a kind.

When my friends baby was stillborn I sent a simple card saying thinking of you and she didn't need to reply - kept it simple. I didn't send flowers as i didn't find them helpful when grieving, some people don't.

I made a note of the he died and made a point of contacting her the following year. Which she and her husband found helpful.

When it happened more recently I gave my friend a small potted tree, as my first friend had been given a small tree to remember her son and appreciated it.

Actually I have just remembered that one friend gave me a beautiful climbing plant which I planted and still have and look at. My mother planted a tree in her garden for my baby too. Those two things were wonderful because they were about life somehow....

Another vote here for "thinking of you" or simply "with love".

I will admit a card is sometimes the right thing to do. You have space to put something more personal.

When we were clearing my mum's things (she's now in a care home) we found a pile of cards sent to her when my dad died. He's been dead 27 years now, yet she still kept them. Flowers wouldn't last that long. I know mum used to get the cards out when she felt down about dad not being there and they would make her cry - which helped as it opened the floodgates for her. She said the cards allowed her to start climbing out of the 'gloom' (she called it) as she realised so many people thought the world of our dad. She made her own therapy I suppose.

My condolences to anyone on here who has been through such heartbreak 💐

I suppose people all grieve very differently but somehow flowers at this time wouldn’t be something I would send. Perhaps a small card.

Dearest x and y
You are in our hearts and thoughts. Here whenever you might need us.
With much love x

Life is bloody dreadful sometimes, it really is. I hope your friend and her family will be ok in time. You are a lovely friend to care about what you write and how it might affect her.

Been there and I didn’t actually take anything in at all, I binned all the sympathy cards. I’d have loved flowers with a note that simply said “You’re in our thoughts, much love plasterboots and Mr plasterboots”.

"We are so sad that you couldn't hold XXXX for longer"

I hate this message. The word 'couldn't' is a particulary poor choice - you couldn't do something seems to attribute blame.

I would just send a card, not flowers. What about something like 'Thinking of you both. It's so sad that baby's time with you was so short. xx'

Send a card. I didn't like the flowers as that is something that you send when someone dies and I didn't want reminders of that all around me.
Some people gave me a little later, little soft toys or other small items with his name on it and I found that very thoughtful and have kept them all as well as all the cards.

"Also remember their baby’s birthday next year, remember to include the baby in their Christmas card."

Really? I think to include the baby in their Christmas card is a very odd thing to do. I had a brother who died aged 3 days and my DM has never come to terms with the grief anyway. I can't imagine what state she'd be in if he was mentioned in Christmas cards.

I would say something like, "You, DH, and X are in our thoughts, and we are sending all our love."

Simple and easy. Flowers don't mean more than a card--it is the tangible connection that matters most.

Oh- and don’t forget the baby’s father. They often seem to get sidelined a bit.

I am also very sorry for all those that have suffered and thank you for sharing your thoughts

I'd send them a Rose they can plant in their garden, or similar. Dead flowers are so depressing.

I think I would also find flowers hard because they die.. my cousin lost her baby recently and many of gave to the charity that helped her at the end.. however some of the gifts she appreciated most was a piece of jewellery with his birthstone and another with her sons name.

My friend lost her baby soon after birth and we got her a memory box with his name on it.

This thread illustrates so well why it’s so hard to get right because we’re all so different. A memory box or soft toys would have tipped me over the edge and would have gone the same way as the cards.

I think whatever you send, flowers or card, whatever you write, there’s a chance it won’t land well due to how awful they will be feeling. I don’t think there’s anything failsafe you can do in this situation, just bear in mind that if you do send something that isn’t received well it’s likely more about how much pain they’re in than you. The important thing is to send something to show you care and are thinking about them and honouring their baby’s life.

Personally I really appreciated flowers after a loss, it touched me that someone had gone to the time and effort and expense to send them, and good flowers from a florist tend to last a fair while too before needing to be thrown out. I don’t think ‘flowers are a bad idea’ is anywhere near as universal as this thread would suggest. But a card would do the same job of letting them know you’re thinking of them.

Keep it simple. Something like ‘dear friends, I am so sorry to hear of the loss of baby, I can’t begin to imagine what you’re going through. I’m thinking of you and here for you during this very difficult time. Love, OP’

No matter what you write, someone will find something wrong with it (that’s not meant to be mean to anyone, just that with a group of so many readers like MN there are so many opinions you’re bound to find someone who thinks a particular phrase is wrong or inappropriate). You know them, not us. So as long as you don’t write something truly egregious (the ‘god wanted an angel’ shit makes me feel sick) I’m sure you’ll be fine. Personally I never thought an ‘I’m so sad to hear this’ meant the person was trying to make it about their feelings, just that they had empathy for what I was going through and genuinely felt sad alongside me.

You’re very kind to be doing this in the first place. I’d stay away from more personal intimate things like naming a star or sending a memory box unless you’re the closest people to them as that’s really more something for them to consider when they’re ready, and in the shock of immediate grief something that reminds you so starkly the person is dead forever and now will only ever be a memory can be quite disturbing. Just keep it simple, card and/or flowers.