To think I've really messed up

[Lydiaz]

DP, DM and I have been invited to to stay with a family member (Fam A) in a few weeks time. Lives a few hours away. Another family member (Fam B), who lives locally to Fam A is having a small party over the same weekend which we are all invited too. Including Fam A. Great.

We haven't been away since my DD was born and I was quite excited about the prospect of visiting Fam A and seeing Fam B at the same time. (Fam C who live locally to us are also invited so bit of a family reunion). As Fam A and B don't live close we rarely see them and aren't particularly close but thought it would be a good chance to reconnect as well as giving us a nice weekend away that we wouldn't have had otherwise.

Text DP whilst at work to ask what he thought and whether he would get the Thurs and Fri off work as holiday. All done via text. He seemed initially a bit bewildered but said ok. Didn't say anything at first to suggest he wouldn't want to go. Even said he would take my car and not his and asked me to tell DM not to nag about his driving! All good. Or so I thought. Told DM who then phoned Fam A to confirm arrangements.

Spoke again to DP about 10 minutes later via text and he made a small comment that suggested perhaps he wasn't okay with the arrangements. Anyway, we had a small text arguement which resulted in him phoning me and explaining that he wasn't comfortable and didnt want to go. I then had to explain I'd already told DM we would go but that if he really isnt comfortable perhaps he could stay home.

Now he's pissed at me. I'm maybe a bit pissed at him. Haven't made DM aware yet. She assumes all good and happy.

Gah. Did I screw up here? I probably jumped the gun and should have waited to discuss properly when he got home before confirming but wanted to check he could get the time off work first.

Why doesn’t he want to go? Can’t he just suck it up for the sake of seeing family? He sounds like he’s being a pain in the arse and should stand by his word tbh. I don’t think you have done anything wrong.

Your side of the family or his? If yours can you just say he has a last minute work commitment he can't get out of and just go with your DM and the DCs?

No you didn't hes having buyers remorse. He shouldn't of said yes if he didn't want to go

They are my family not his. He has met Fam A once at a funeral so doesn't feel comfortable staying with them for four days. He said he feels uncomfortable even using the loo at my DMs house and they are much much closer. He said he will feel really uncomfortable and left out, etc.

I was very excited when I text him to see if he was okay with it and could get time off. The prospect of reconnecting with family and myself DD and Dp having a nice weekend away in a lovely part of the country was really appealing. I scrolled back through trying to see if I'd been to forward or missed any signs but he didn't once say no, or that he'd feel uncomfortable, as I said in opening post he even said "Okay but we will take your car" then a bit further along "although I wont be able to cope if your DM spends the whole journey nagging about my driving!"

Did you text him and say "can you get Thursday and Friday off because we're going to stay with Fam A"? Or was that a follow up after he said yes?

I think if you're with someone who is uncomfortable going to the toilet at your mother's and won't go to stay with your family because he's only met them once then you have to do your own thing. He gets to do what he needs to do for his anxiety, but he doesn't get to ask you and dd to live a limited life.

I said to him at first "are you okay with a weekend away in X location over X weekend?" He asked for more details, I explained it was a family thing, etc.. gave him all the info and he then replied, "ok but no taking my car as it's old and tired and not up for a long journey" so no mention of being uncomfortable.

Feeling a bit miffed about it. We spend every other Sunday at his Families house, dont see my family half as often, and yeah, it makes me uncomfortable but I dont say anything or mention it. He has children from a previous relationship that stay every other weekend and for a long time I felt uncomfortable using my own bloody loo but never said a word because i love him and his family come as part of the deal.

Does he have anxiety?

Don't know what your finances are like but could you go but stay in a cottage/hotel nearby? I can understand your DP not wanting to stay with people he's only met once, especially when there's going to be lots of other family socialising - sounds tiring, especially when it's not his family.

It sounds exhausting OP - you shouldn’t have to be second guessing yourself over this, as though you’ve been a terrible person for inviting your husband to a weekend away. It sounds like he made his choice and now regrets it. That isn’t your fault, and it’s not normal that you feel this is a huge mess up on your part. Does he have form for being difficult about things like this and blaming you

If he is flat out refusing to go (something which would be selfish in my opinion) then he can stay behind and you can have a nice weekend away with your mother and other family. But don’t let him make you feel like you’ve behaved badly here. He is just being difficult and a bit childish.

If not, you should go on your own and just ignore if he goes in a huff about it :)

I would say he has to try with your family, especially if you see his family a lot.
That's a great excuse have to use that next time i visit the PIL....sorry cant go as cant use the loo

I could have written a very similar post and I'm well pissed off.

If he didn't want to go, he should have just said. However, at this point I'd just go without him. He'd have no right to be annoyed by that given the situation.

Sounds like a great opportunity to actually get to know your side of the family.

Why does he feel uncomfortable about using the loo at your DMs? That's a bit odd.

If he really doesn't want to go, just go with your DM and have a lovely time. And maybe sit out a couple of the Sunday visits to his family if you're fed up go going all the time.

Does he suffer with anxiety? I do and meeting new people can be an absolute nightmare for me, especially if it’s someone else’s family or close friends.

Having said that, you’re obviously not in a new relationship if you have a child together. He’s being very precious.

Is there a reason you can’t go without him? Just tell family he couldn’t get the time off or something?

No, he doesn't have anxiety. Ironically, I'm the one with anxiety. We regularly disagree over the fact that he's always saying, he has no say, I always get what I want and he just goes with it. I disagree and think it's his way or the highway usually. It's his family we see more often and I've always been accommodating of the fact that certain things need to be done his way and according to his circumstances because of his children from a previous relationship. Where we live, how we usually allocate our holiday allowance from work, etc. I've always been understanding of this because his children are of course a top priority. It means certain things that I may have wanted I might have missed out on but I've never made it an issue because I love him and I chose to be with him knowing his circumstances. It would just be nice if for once he could do this for me and DD.

And yes, DM, DD and I will be going without him. It's just frustrating the way he has reacted and also because I was looking forward to us all enjoy some time away together. Without DP there, I'll be less able to enjoy myself as I'll be looking after DD by myself rather than us doing it together.

He’d try a saints patience.

Do you have his kids the same weekend you visit his family or do you visit one weekend then have his kids the next. Either way , it seems he gets to see his family’s frequently and you don’t and your life revolves around his family

He needs to slap a smile on his face and get on with it.

I'm probably going to feel a little uncomfortable at first myself as I'm not close to the Family. I saw them once at a funeral 2 years ago and before that I hadn't seen them since I was 10! There will be quite a few new people too and I'll be very nervous about that but I still very much want to go and feel the positives outlay the scary uncomfortableness of meeting new people, etc..

Crossbow posted with your last two posts

He sounds like wet, selfish, cockwomble, I’d be rethinking the whole relationship.

He's probably a bit annoyed that it was all arranged and he was presented with a fait accompli.

Oh, and unless you are American then YABU to say 'pissed'. You're not drunk, you're annoyed, so it's 'pissed off'.

We see his family usually the same weekend we have his children but that usually means the weekend we don't have the children we have to use those weekends to do all the boring crap like DIY (moved house a month ago) sorting the gardens out, catching up on cleaning, etc. So basically the weekend when it's usually Dp DD and I are just filled with absolute boring crap. They arent enjoyable. Then I spend the following weekend playing happy families with DPs kids and his extended family whilst our usual day to day home life stuff gets neglected.