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Original poster

To think I've really messed up

83 replies

Lydiaz · 03/07/2019 15:45

DP, DM and I have been invited to to stay with a family member (Fam A) in a few weeks time. Lives a few hours away. Another family member (Fam B), who lives locally to Fam A is having a small party over the same weekend which we are all invited too. Including Fam A. Great.

We haven't been away since my DD was born and I was quite excited about the prospect of visiting Fam A and seeing Fam B at the same time. (Fam C who live locally to us are also invited so bit of a family reunion). As Fam A and B don't live close we rarely see them and aren't particularly close but thought it would be a good chance to reconnect as well as giving us a nice weekend away that we wouldn't have had otherwise.

Text DP whilst at work to ask what he thought and whether he would get the Thurs and Fri off work as holiday. All done via text. He seemed initially a bit bewildered but said ok. Didn't say anything at first to suggest he wouldn't want to go. Even said he would take my car and not his and asked me to tell DM not to nag about his driving! All good. Or so I thought. Told DM who then phoned Fam A to confirm arrangements.

Spoke again to DP about 10 minutes later via text and he made a small comment that suggested perhaps he wasn't okay with the arrangements. Anyway, we had a small text arguement which resulted in him phoning me and explaining that he wasn't comfortable and didnt want to go. I then had to explain I'd already told DM we would go but that if he really isnt comfortable perhaps he could stay home.

Now he's pissed at me. I'm maybe a bit pissed at him. Haven't made DM aware yet. She assumes all good and happy.

Gah. Did I screw up here? I probably jumped the gun and should have waited to discuss properly when he got home before confirming but wanted to check he could get the time off work first.

OP posts:
NoParticularPattern · 03/07/2019 16:27

He sounds like a knob. You asked him if it was ok and could he get time off, he said yes all ok. And now somehow it’s your fault that he doesn’t want to go?! Go without him. He sounds like hard work that you could do without

Original poster
Lydiaz · 03/07/2019 16:27

Had the date of this family weekend away fallen on a weekend we had dps kids I wouldn't have even asked him about it. I would have just said no straight up, but I thought, "yep, that's perfect! Doesnt interfere with DPs family time and as our weekends are usually a bit rubbish perhaps we can slack off the DIY weekend and actually have a nice time together" Haha. How silly of me Smile

OP posts:
Motoko · 03/07/2019 16:28

He has no right to be in a huff with you, especially about you going without him. He's the one who doesn't want to go, and you have every right to see your family, especially as you don't get to see them very often.

Tell him that he doesn't have to go if he doesn't want to, but he's being totally unreasonable in not wanting you to go without him, especially as you have to spend every Sunday with his family, when you don't feel particularly comfortable doing that, and you might prefer to do something else sometimes.

If he still acts huffy, just ignore it, and go have a lovely time catching up.

Whathappenedtooursummer · 03/07/2019 16:32

So your life is adjusted to fit his dc in but he won't make the effort for your /dd's family? Is he always so selfish?
Would stay over his dc's week end and let him manage them alone.
Sounds like it's 1 adult in your home...

Apileofballyhoo · 03/07/2019 16:36

YANBU. How long have you been together?

HundredMilesAnHour · 03/07/2019 16:37

Is there a reason why you had to do this over text when the poor guy is at work (and maybe actually trying to do some work!) rather than waiting until he got home and having a proper discussion? Especially given the issues you've mentioned arguing, his kids, etc . I do think you jumped the gun a bit.

Why for 4 days? That's quite a long time to stay in someone's home if you don't really know the family members that well (for your DP especially), and especially to have to use some annual leave for the privilege. Is there no compromising here? Could your DP join you for the weekend i.e. 2 days so he doesn't have to make polite chit-chat for 4 days but still spends some time with you and your various family members?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/07/2019 16:39

Point out to him that he initially agreed to go but then changed his mind. He has no right to be in a huff. And he has no right to stop you from going (if this is what he suggests).

Likewise, maybe take a Sunday off from the 'playing happy families' bollocks. Send DD off with him and have a nice afternoon to yourself. You don't have to do everything joined at the hip.

But look at it this way, you can have a nice weekend catching up with family who will be cooing over DD, while he can get on with some boring and crap DIY!

Motoko · 03/07/2019 16:40

Crossposted with your later posts.

Hmm, your relationship seems very one sided. I'm glad you're still going. I think you need to put your foot down more often, otherwise he'll end up controlling everything you do. Accusing you of always getting your own way, is not a good sign, he's projecting in order to make you feel as though you're the one in the wrong.

Keep your eyes open, don't sleepwalk into a controlling relationship where you won't do anything that might nark him off, because you can't deal with the resulting fallout.

Original poster
Lydiaz · 03/07/2019 16:40

Been together 5 years

OP posts:
Original poster
Lydiaz · 03/07/2019 16:42

He quite often texts me from work. I texted initially because I wanted to check he could even get the time off over that osrtviulsr date as it falls in the school holidays so is quite a popular time for people booking holiday. He would usually just say if he was too busy to talk or even just a simple "Not sure, in all honesty, can we discuss tonight?" Would have done. Why say okay then change your mind?!

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 03/07/2019 16:43

I'm afraid I'm with your Dh on this one. There is now way I or Dh would stay with a family we had only met once at a funeral for one night, let alone 4. And I'd feel the same even if it were my family member. You hardly know them yourself. If you're happy to go then head off with your dm and dd. I'd say your dh just didn't cop that you planned to stay in the relatives house when you initially texted him.

SleepWarrior · 03/07/2019 16:43

Given his attitude I think you might have more fun without him anyway.

I'd go for a breezy "oh you don't want to come? Must have been crossed wires as I thought you were up for it when you texted about which car take. Not to worry, you can stay here if you're not keen. Right, off to plan with DM..."

He's being silly but I'd avoid a fight about it - last thing you want is him deciding he will come after all but you're both in a huff and the weekend is spoiled. Save the argument for when you get back!

StCharlotte · 03/07/2019 16:47

It means certain things that I may have wanted I might have missed out on but I've never made it an issue because I love him and I chose to be with him knowing his circumstances. It would just be nice if for once he could do this for me and DD.

TELL HIM THIS! Yes I am shouting.

You've expressed it all so eloquently to us, now you need to do the same to him.

BTW, my DH met my whole family and my best friends for the first time all on the same day... at my mother's funeral! He coped Smile

Sciurus83 · 03/07/2019 16:48

He's a twat. You've had a baby, part of that involves doing the rounds of the families and he has to suck it up. Wouldn't be countenancing any of this uncomfortable nonsense, no one gives a shiny shit mate the baby is meeting it's family it's not about him. And you see his family every week, he needs to stop whining.

ReanimatedSGB · 03/07/2019 16:53

Hmm. I think you're heading for trouble in this relationship, because this man is a passive-aggressive, manipulative prick. He's getting everything his way, yet the slightest suggestion that he do something that benefits you and he starts whining and complaining that he's never consulted, and you're so demanding waa waa waaa. Don't engage and don't react: give him options to join you but don't let him mess you about, and don't stay home with him just because he's whining.

TheCatDidSay · 03/07/2019 16:55

Likely he said ok then realised that X place meant actually staying at fams house.

I

Beautiful3 · 03/07/2019 16:57

Think he's going to have to suck it up. You make an effort and see his side so it's only fair to see your side. Especially as it's been a long time!

Honeyroar · 03/07/2019 17:01

I'd be pretty bloody fed up with my husband if he expected to spend so much time at his family events but couldn't spend any effort getting to know my side of the family. What is the point of being with someone who can't be on your side, do things for you and be interested in your life?

Marmozet · 03/07/2019 17:02

How has it been left then? Is he definitely not going?

bridgetreilly · 03/07/2019 17:07

I do think you would have been much more sensible to have waited until you could discuss it in person, rather than texting him and expecting him to make decisions about it while he's at work. I think that's an important learning point for you here. Also the 'ok' at the start of his text is a little bit ambiguous. I think you were excited and interpreted it to mean more than he intended.

I don't think you would be unreasonable to still go, with or without him. You could point out that he won't ever get to know your family enough to feel comfortable with them unless he's willing to spend some time with them.

FuckOffPeriod · 03/07/2019 17:08

My DP can be a bit like this in that he'll say yes to something and then only tell me later on that he doesn't really want to go. Even if he still does it ruins it for the rest of us knowing he doesn't want to be there. I always say if you don't want to then say NO rather than agreeing and then letting people down afterwards.

I always think though in these situations where families are involved he absolutely should be making an effort. Your are his wife, they are his family by law and are important to you. You should not have to make up excuses like 'he can't get time off work' etc... If you do that every time it becomes obvious to everyone that it isn't the truth.

DP is usually good with family things but I've been in a relationship before where they'd never come to anything with my family and I ended up refusing to make excuses for him I'd just say 'he didn't want to come' and if it made him look rude then that's his problem. Safe to say it soon stopped when he realised I wasn't lying to my family about his absence anymore.

mumwon · 03/07/2019 17:10

could you afford to stay self catering nearby? It might be a better idea especially as even you haven't stayed /know these relatives that well? You can say to relatives that you want to see them but you don't want to "put them out" - we use to do this when we visited relatives when dchildren were young - we could than relax & not worry - your dm could still stay with them

Floralnomad · 03/07/2019 17:14

I wouldn’t want to stay for 4 days with people I barely know either but I do think he should have just said that upfront .

Babysharkdoodoodoodo · 03/07/2019 17:16

I'd take the opportunity and leave him a huge list of DIY projects to be completed over the weekend as you and dd won't be there getting under his feet.

drspouse · 03/07/2019 17:21

My DH met all my family at my then baby cousin's christening (she is now a teenager). But I don't think he'd have been that happy staying with a random person from that group for 4 nights, TBH.

I would also suggest trying to find somewhere nearby.

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