To think I've really messed up

[Lydiaz]

DP, DM and I have been invited to to stay with a family member (Fam A) in a few weeks time. Lives a few hours away. Another family member (Fam B), who lives locally to Fam A is having a small party over the same weekend which we are all invited too. Including Fam A. Great.

We haven't been away since my DD was born and I was quite excited about the prospect of visiting Fam A and seeing Fam B at the same time. (Fam C who live locally to us are also invited so bit of a family reunion). As Fam A and B don't live close we rarely see them and aren't particularly close but thought it would be a good chance to reconnect as well as giving us a nice weekend away that we wouldn't have had otherwise.

Text DP whilst at work to ask what he thought and whether he would get the Thurs and Fri off work as holiday. All done via text. He seemed initially a bit bewildered but said ok. Didn't say anything at first to suggest he wouldn't want to go. Even said he would take my car and not his and asked me to tell DM not to nag about his driving! All good. Or so I thought. Told DM who then phoned Fam A to confirm arrangements.

Spoke again to DP about 10 minutes later via text and he made a small comment that suggested perhaps he wasn't okay with the arrangements. Anyway, we had a small text arguement which resulted in him phoning me and explaining that he wasn't comfortable and didnt want to go. I then had to explain I'd already told DM we would go but that if he really isnt comfortable perhaps he could stay home.

Now he's pissed at me. I'm maybe a bit pissed at him. Haven't made DM aware yet. She assumes all good and happy.

Gah. Did I screw up here? I probably jumped the gun and should have waited to discuss properly when he got home before confirming but wanted to check he could get the time off work first.

DP will be home in a minute so will be able to have a proper discussion then. Like the idea actually of spending time with the family but staying self catering close by. I'd be more comfortable with that so I'll definitely look into it though might not be doable cost wise.

You admit that you barely know the people you are going to stay with.

I've got loads of family I have barely met in my life and probably wouldn't recognise if I walked past them in the street. I'd be uncomfortable suddenly going to stay with them myself so I can possibly imagine why your DP isn't really keen.

You don't have to go to see his family so much either. Let him take DD on his own sometimes and you do something else that suits you.

You really don't have to do everything together.

Go on your own and cut down going to his family every week. Let him do his own family visits on his own

He is BU

I guess there is an element of me being unreasonable expecting DP to stay with family for four days when I don't even know them well myself. I've just looked up self catering, BnBs, hotels, etc. We can't afford it. That's why, in part, this is a weekend away in a lovely area we wouldn't otherwise of had because we just can't afford it.

He will have to weigh up the cost/benefit of feeling uncomfortable vs feeling left out. He's an adult, he can't have it both ways.

Don't stop your plans OP!

A relationship is about give and take. Sounds like you give a lot but he doesn't reciprocate it. Sometimes you just have to do things you won't feel comfortable with for that person you love.

Why does he feel uncomfortable about using the loo at your DMs? That's a bit odd.

A few years ago, I would have agreed with you, but after a conversation with a big group of friends, it seems it's not uncommon.

YANBU, OP. If he can't face it, he'll have to stay home alone.

If 4 days feels too much, and I understand that, could you go up on the Thursday with your mum and he joins you on the Saturday morning, so he is just there one night?

So many men with DCs from previous relationships are massive takers, expect you to help with/run your life around their DCs (ok) but give fuck all in return (not ok). YANBU.

YANBU

However, I think there are two distinct issues here.

1. You should go to visit the family and he stays home with a long list of shite to do

1. Why do you have to trail around after him and his DC/family every other weekend if it's boring? No offence, I am sure you have a great relationship with the SDC/ILS but maybe it would be nice for them to meet up without you sometimes? I am sure you can think of at least a million other things you could be doing

OP, your dp sounds like a bit of a arse tbh.

You do a lot for him from the sounds of it and yet he can't do this one thing for you? Just because you are staying there for 4 days does not mean you both have to spend all your time with family, he can piss off out somewhere to get a break.

I think he needs to sit down and look at how much you do for him tbh, because a lot of people would not take on all that baggage, yes that's what it is.

If you do end up going on your own, tell him to screw his Sundays up his arse with his family as you find it uncomfortable to use their bog.

Yes 4 days is a little long to be sleeping in someone's house who you don't know that well, but he is with you, your dd and dm. It's not like you are expecting him to be on his own with this unknown family, maybe you want him to support you? Tell him so.

All being well he will join you.

Argh. So, had a chat with DP when he got home. He still maintains he would find it uncomfortable but he would suck it up, nonetheless and not be difficult about it. So, I've text DM (who I had already made aware that DP might not be coming and why - which she decided to take personal offense to) to advise that, all good now, DP is coming, and it's a non issue. She has responded that she's not convinced and that she's now not going to come out for DD's Birthday as arranged on Saturday. So, I'm now pissed off with DP and DM. Bloody hate families sometimes.

She has responded that she's not convinced and that she's now not going to come out for DD's Birthday as arranged on Saturday.

That's nasty. Why is she punishing your DD?

It sounds like your DM isn't the 'easiest'. Maybe share a little less with her - or at least wait until you're 100% sure - in future to minimise this sort of bad behaviour from her.

@HundredMilesAnHour I knew after I told DM earlier that DP might not come that it was a mistake. Should have waited until I'd spoken to him properly but I was feeling annoyed at him at the time and wanted to moan about it.

Ah, you definitely shouldn't have told her before speaking to him. Does he know what she's said? I'd ring her and say you got crossed wires and he was always coming. Just so you can all go and have a lovely time. I'd be pissed off at her though about her reaction.

I'm assuming these are her siblings and your cousins? DP was being unfair by being moody about it. Ffs, it's 4 days. I bet you've given him a lot more slack considering he has other children before your DD.

God, you’re surrounded by petulant children!

It means certain things that I may have wanted I might have missed out on but I've never made it an issue because I love him and I chose to be with him knowing his circumstances.

Doesn't he also love you? If so, then he should give you the same consideration. As I said earlier, this relationship seems very one sided.

Likely he said ok then realised that X place meant actually staying at fams house.

Not wanting to stay at someone else's house, doesn't give him the right to be huffy with OP when she offered to go on her own.

OP, I do think you need to learn some restraint! Wait until you've actually spoken to your partner when he gets home, before finalising things. Now your mum is pissed off, although I think she's being unreasonable, and punishing her GD because of your partner, is really not on.

This is getting absolutely ridiculous.

Had further chat with DP who explained that when responding to my messages he was obviously multitasking his job and initially he was quite happy to come and then had a sudden panic when he realised it meant he'd have to poo in a stranger's house, essentially. He's always been a bit funny about using any toilet that isn't our toilet at home but after further discussion with me, he was quite happy to try and get past that and come along and try and enjoy the weekend.

So phoned DM to explain it's all a misunderstanding, etc. She isn't having any of it. She's absolutely furious with him, bringing up completely unrelated issues to the weekend away, she's now got it in her head that DP has an issue with her, etc. DM and I have ended up having a bit of a row about it and then she hung up. She's absolutely bonkers and DP was probably right. The weekend away is a bad idea. Would quite like to scream!

Oh, OP. Bit of a result for your DP though.

She can be quite something sometimes. Have been advised previously on MN to stand up to her more or go low/no contact.

Well at least we can now all understand why your partner doesn’t want to be trapped with your mother for 4 days and a long car journey .

@FloraInomad Yep. So, turns out IWBU!

Feel like kicking myself that I was foolish enough to think I could keep making things work long term and that we could all be like a normal family and enjoy a weekend away together.

It’s very difficult when you are dealing with people who are a bit unhinged . It sounds like your mum has an issue with your partner and just needed an excuse to kick off - her loss really .