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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About couples making out that childfree weddings are for my benefit not theirs?!

129 replies

WeddingWoes1234 · 03/07/2019 14:48

Not a thread about whether weddings should be childfree or not, I totally appreciate that it’s down to each individual couple to plan their day exactly as they want it although I do think it’s weird when all of your friends have children, but the WAY this is put in the invite.
Over the last couple of months I’ve had invites saying things along the lines of ‘no children because we think you’ll have more fun’ or ‘we want you to be able to let your hair down and relax’, like it’s a big favour to me not to invite my children. Don’t get me wrong, things are fun without kids they’ll still be there when we get home at the end of the night and will need looking after the next day so there’s only so much hair you can let down! I wish people would just say ‘we’ve decided we aren’t inviting children’ and leave it at that rather than making it seem like a virtuous act.

And yes I KNOW this isn’t a big deal in the scheme of things but I’m irrationally irked by it Blush

OP posts:
MaggieFS · 07/07/2019 13:35

'No boxed gifts' - that's a new one for me! Is that a roundabout way of asking for cash?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 07/07/2019 13:49

I’m not sure how much money extra it would cost. I would never dream of keeping a 2/3/4 year old up for the evening so so I’d probably head back to the hotel with them after the drinks reception but before the sit down meal anyway which is what I did for the one wedding I went to recently which welcomed children).

I'm booking my wedding now... this is the problem I'm having. Kids food is still expensive, and I have to pick what they most of them will eat, which is hard! And then reception pricing is a nightmare.

The standard running seems to be arrive - ceremony - canapés - meal - drinks and evening food. So would you be leaving after canapés; and not coming for the reception at all? That doesn't seem worth it, and I'd have paid for your meals if you had attended the ceremony. Or leaving after the meal but before the end of the reception? So I wouldn't know whether to pay for evening food/drinks for you...

It's a nightmare all round; and it would be miles easier to say no children! Or just to elope Smile

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 07/07/2019 13:50

YANBU. They should at least own the decision to not want children there.

It’s akin to the cheesy poems saying they have everything they need but will take cash.

Most weddings seem to be about the brides big day rather than the vows nowadays I find.

MulticolourMophead · 07/07/2019 13:51

'No boxed gifts' - that's a new one for me! Is that a roundabout way of asking for cash?

Yes, where I come from.

Blubluboo · 07/07/2019 13:56

I'm fed up of these threads all the time!
Most people I know love it when it's a child free wedding. Provided they have childcare of course. The chance to drink wine without running around after little Johnny. What's not to like? Yes you have to return to your kids the next day but my friends say they still love a whole day without worrying about their kids. You know that it IS ok to want time apart from your kids. It doesn't make you a bad parent.

UbercornsGoggles · 07/07/2019 13:57

I had a wedding invite saying very similar recently. It showed a distinct lack of empathy or understanding of how parents (generally) feel about their children, but as the invite was from a couple who have both chosen not to have children I just put it down to not really 'getting' parenthood. I'd probably have made the mistake myself before I had my daughter.

LolaSmiles · 07/07/2019 14:11

Blubluboo
Nobody is saying that going to a child free wedding makes you a bad parent.

Many people are saying that if couples want a child free wedding then that's up to them, but they should stop lying and pretending it's a big favour to their friends.

It's like hen dos in Marbella/Other sunny destination. Don't try to sell it as a holiday at the same time. I probably wouldn't ever go to Marbella. You're not saving me money. I'm out of pocket to go somewhere for your hen. Do not pretend this is a gift to me.

icannotremember · 07/07/2019 14:14

Yanbu. Like you I fully acknowledge it's up to whoever is getting married as to whether or not children are invited. But I can do without the pretense it's for my benefit. It's not, it means I either find and fund childcare or don't go.

Owlchemist · 07/07/2019 14:22

Child free wedding I'd be there in a heart beat. Grin but yeah just say you don't want kids there, gives me an excuse anyway

saywhatwhatnow · 07/07/2019 14:26

We've had this a lot recently. 100% bride and grooms choice BUT arranging childcare for a day/night is a PITA for us and it would probably be easier to bring DC. So saying it's to allow us to 'relax' is rubbish.

redcupbluecup · 07/07/2019 14:49

I love it when a wedding invitation states no children. It's the perfect excuse not to go. I hate weddings. im happy for anyone who gets married but that's where my interest ends. Weddings are expensive, boring and long. I've never enjoyed them.

twattymctwatterson · 07/07/2019 15:03

Well I love being invited to a childfree wedding because as a lone parent with a six year old I CAN let my hair down and relax, don't have to be constantly chasing around after her or leave early.

TheRedSquare · 07/07/2019 15:29

We had a child free wedding purely because we wanted too!

I just put in the bottom of invite 'this is an adult only celebration' all our friends were chuffed that they could have a day off 🤷🏻‍♀️

Fantababy · 07/07/2019 16:27

all our friends were chuffed that they could have a day off

Well then, all your friends must have easily accessible affordable childcare. Bear in mind that everyone doesn't. A child free wedding just means that all parents can't come.

LolaSmiles · 07/07/2019 16:37

I just put in the bottom of invite 'this is an adult only celebration' all our friends were chuffed that they could have a day off
That's absolutely fine.
It would have been cheesy and disingenuous if you presented your wedding decision (which you're fine to make) as some sort of lovely favour to your friends, like you're giving them a night off, helping them have some time away from the children.

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 07/07/2019 16:46

all our friends were chuffed that they could have a day off

your friends don't need your patronising authorisation to have a day off. If they want one, they organise childcare and don't take the kids.

A child free wedding is for the bride and groom. They are great, but as said repeatedly on this thread, they are not done as a favour to the guests.

Aragog · 07/07/2019 17:08

I just put in the bottom of invite 'this is an adult only celebration' all our friends were chuffed that they could have ..

That's fine. You didn't then go on to write in your invitations the patronising 'were having this adult free just so that you with little children can let your hair down.'

Being child free isn't the main issue. It's the excuse making for it. Just be honest - the bride and groom don't want children there in case they're noisy or so that it costs them less. It's never really for the benefit of the parents of small children! Own the decision you make.

It's good that your friends were able to find childcare and attend. I assume you'd have been equally as gracious had some have to say no, as they couldn't get childcare for the day. If that's the case - all great.

marylou1977 · 07/07/2019 17:19

The first time I saw “no boxed gifts”, I put my gift in a gift bag. I had no idea......😳

Original poster
WeddingWoes1234 · 07/07/2019 17:28

I got an error message when I created this thread and I’ve only just noticed that it actually posted Blush
Thank you to all who’ve commented, I’m relieved to know it’s not just me that feels this way! Although I’m also amused to see that some people have still missed the point of the thread, it’s not ABOUT the rights and wrongs of childfree weddings, I fully appreciate that it’s down to each couple. Just own the bloody decision!
I think what @TheRedSquare put is spot on - unambiguous but also not dressing it up as a massive gift to me Grin

OP posts:
stucknoue · 07/07/2019 17:29

Yes it's a weird disclaimer - just say No Children. Make it clear, don't make exceptions (except the wedding party). Personally I would never do this (and it's actually possible it could be me posting conundrums since I'm single for the first time in 27 years, just not holding my breath!

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 07/07/2019 19:42

The first time I saw “no boxed gifts”, I put my gift in a gift bag. I had no idea......

Grin Grin Grin

that's so funny, but I guarantee you won't be the only one, so that's really sweet

TheRedSquare · 08/07/2019 11:14

@Fantababy it wasn't my concern if they have easy access child care. If they couldn't come due to no child care or because some people get offended if they can't bring children, then that would of been their call...we decided how we wanted our wedding and that was that!

TheRedSquare · 08/07/2019 11:16

@LolaSmiles exactly! I felt I didn't have to explain my decision, which is why we didn't bother with the spiel of 'for you blah blah' as it was for us...not one person challenged it or were offended...

TheRedSquare · 08/07/2019 11:18

@that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 I didn't feel by saying this is a child free celebration that it was patronizing??
We simply put what would be happening at our wedding as our choice!!

Sciurus83 · 08/07/2019 11:22

This again. I think people just dont know how to phrase that they dont want to invite kids and this seems like a friendly way. Don't overthink it, it's not really aimed at you or an expectation you agree. Would you prefer them to write on the invite we don't wan't your screaming hellians ruining our serenity? Because that's what they're saying, and that's fine, just read that when they say oh it's for you, it's what they really mean.

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