About couples making out that childfree weddings are for my benefit not theirs?!

[WeddingWoes1234]

Not a thread about whether weddings should be childfree or not, I totally appreciate that it’s down to each individual couple to plan their day exactly as they want it although I do think it’s weird when all of your friends have children, but the WAY this is put in the invite.
Over the last couple of months I’ve had invites saying things along the lines of ‘no children because we think you’ll have more fun’ or ‘we want you to be able to let your hair down and relax’, like it’s a big favour to me not to invite my children. Don’t get me wrong, things are fun without kids they’ll still be there when we get home at the end of the night and will need looking after the next day so there’s only so much hair you can let down! I wish people would just say ‘we’ve decided we aren’t inviting children’ and leave it at that rather than making it seem like a virtuous act.

And yes I KNOW this isn’t a big deal in the scheme of things but I’m irrationally irked by it

Oh I know what else we haven't talked about this week - the money begging poem. That's due a thread I reckon.

To be fair I understand saying something as if you say nothing you'll get those people who think it's OK to write extra people on the RSVP

YANBU, it’s naff. Just say “no children”. Nobody scrambling around for overnight babysitters is thinking “oh gosh I’m so GLAD that Mark and Janine gave me an excuse to let my hair down, it never occurred to me to go anywhere without my kids before!”

*I work as a wedding and event planner and I find the whole thing very odd. I understand it more when couples don't have children themselves, although you will often see it done by couples who have their own DC's!

If I were invited to a wedding that wasn't child friendly I wouldn't attend. My children have never spent a night away from me / DH and I wouldn't leave them for a wedding, friend or not.*

Yes, I’m the same and my children are too young to leave so I’ve not been to many weddings for a few years. I don’t remind them deciding no children at all but I was surprised at one recently which said no children as the couple have young children themselves so I assumed it would have been a more family friendly affair so I was quite looking forward to it. Oh well.

I’m not sure how much money extra it would cost. I would never dream of keeping a 2/3/4 year old up for the evening so so I’d probably head back to the hotel with them after the drinks reception but before the sit down meal anyway which is what I did for the one wedding I went to recently which welcomed children).

YANBU. I like my child and I like spending time with her. A child free wedding is a complete ballache, as I don’t have childcare. Fair enough have an adults only wedding, but don’t pretend it’s for my benefit and don’t get cross when I don’t come

This comes up a lot on MN. I don’t really get the problem. It’s just a more polite way of saying ‘we don’t want anyone’s kids ruining our day’.

If I were invited to a wedding that wasn't child friendly I wouldn't attend. My children have never spent a night away from me / DH and I wouldn't leave them for a wedding, friend or not.

Congratulations. You are a much better parent than everyone else.

It’s just a more polite way

Is it? “Adults only” is polite. “Adults only because we want you to have more fun” is just insincere.

Your irkment is reasonable. The message comes across as patronising.

IMHO, alcohol and children dont mix.

Why not?

Getting outrageously drunk and being in charge of children don't mix, but why not alcohol and kids in general?

I come from a big family and have never been invited to a wedding where kids weren't welcome, or to a wedding that was not near where family live, or to one with a poem about money or anything like that - I must have led a sheltered life...

YANBU at all - it's so irritating.

Nothing wrong with child free wedding, just own it.

Most of the time I wouldn't bother going, but I'd send a much better present if there's no stupid "we're doing you a favour" pretence.

to one with a poem about money

I got one! I couldn't stop laughing, people really do that!

I see why couples do it though, because otherwise they get a phone Call asking just in case would it be possible to have a child there. And weddings are different type of enjoyable without kids and they might actually think they are doing you a favour, you can let loose in a different way and maybe even get a night away!!

Did you have lots of other kids at your wedding, OP.

I did and completely regret it to be honest. Yes, you will have a better time and it is more relaxing without lots of children.

I completely get it! I don't mind child free weddings, prefer them in fact but the couple telling me they're doing it as a favour to me when it's for their own (perfectly valid) reasons really grates.
If I was choosing a way to "have fun" or "let my hair down" it wouldn't include spending an additional £10 an hour for a sitter to look after my kids.
Please just say adults only. That's fine on it's own.

the point is not about having a child-free wedding, that's absolutely fine!

the point is pretending they are doing it as a "favour" to the parents. It's not. If parents don't want to take their kids, they won't and will find babysitters. They don't need the bride and groom to allow them to be child free.

Be honest - child free wedding and everybody is happy.

and they might actually think they are doing you a favour, you can let loose in a different way and maybe even get a night away!!

But how is that a favour unless they’re organising the childcare for you?!
If children are invited it doesn’t mean you HAVE to bring them so the couple with children have a choice and they can pick the option that most appeals. If the wedding is child free there is no choice. Again, it’s perfectly valid for the bride and groom to want their wedding to be child free but it does not bring any benefit whatsoever to people with children as if they so wanted they could always have arranged a babysitter anyway.

There’s been an almost identical thread to this one recently. I honestly don’t know how anyone has the energy or headspace to get offended by this

Annoying I left a "key your hair down" wedding early because of this. I don't usually have my parents babysit, as they just aren't very capable. I felt I'd already been out 8 hours before the first dance. There was so much hanging around and I felt on edge about when I could leave. Might be different if you have someone to have your DC overnight but not everyone does. And they had the grooms son at the wedding. He was all by himself and it would of been lovely to have other kids there, but it comes down to money and space.

On our wedding invitations a few years ago we simply wrote 'children by invitation only'. The amount of messages and calls we had from people asking if their children could come even though their names were clearly not written on the invitation

I think some people feel awkward so try and dress it up as being a night off for those with children - everyone sees straight through it though so better just to be upfront

'children by invitation only'

to be fair, you did open a can of worms with that one!

I don’t mind childfree weddings- it’s probably easier not to bring our dc anyway as they’re both under 2.

But I don’t need to be given “permission” in the form of a coyly worded invite to leave them at home. It’s a bit patronising to pretend like it’s a favour from the bride and groom.

Having your wedding be childfree is a perfectly acceptable choice, so I don’t see the need to justify it on an invite.

Oh I know what else we haven't talked about this week - the money begging poem. That's due a thread I reckon

We've just this week received a wedding invite including a money poem and I immediately thought of Mumsnet!

OP, you're right, it's not doing you a favour. It's doing their wedding their way, which is totally fine, just own it.

Friends of ours had a mobile creche at their wedding which was great; the DC are still part of the party and have fun, but get to escape the stuffiness that happens around 7pm when various Aunts and Uncles have one too many sherries and begin telling maudlin tales of the olden days. It was such a great idea that a few other friends who've married since have followed suit.

I don't see the need for putting anything on there at all and it's wrong to assume you'd find it relaxing or a break etc.

We didn't have kids at our wedding but we didn't say anything about it being kid free, we just clearly didn't put the children's names on the wedding invites.

Can I also just touch on the point about it being weird when all your friends have kids - that's the point. There are so many kids, they take up spaces for other friends etc and they cost. We had to cut kids off the invites due to space limitation.