About couples making out that childfree weddings are for my benefit not theirs?!

[WeddingWoes1234]

Not a thread about whether weddings should be childfree or not, I totally appreciate that it’s down to each individual couple to plan their day exactly as they want it although I do think it’s weird when all of your friends have children, but the WAY this is put in the invite.
Over the last couple of months I’ve had invites saying things along the lines of ‘no children because we think you’ll have more fun’ or ‘we want you to be able to let your hair down and relax’, like it’s a big favour to me not to invite my children. Don’t get me wrong, things are fun without kids they’ll still be there when we get home at the end of the night and will need looking after the next day so there’s only so much hair you can let down! I wish people would just say ‘we’ve decided we aren’t inviting children’ and leave it at that rather than making it seem like a virtuous act.

And yes I KNOW this isn’t a big deal in the scheme of things but I’m irrationally irked by it

I can see it might be a bit annoying to phrase it that way, especially for people who will have difficulty getting childcare. If you're going to do that I think you should at least try and make some kind of childcare arrangements at the venue should people need them. We bent over backwards to make sure out wedding didn't exclude anyone (like laying on a coach because it was out of town and a lot of my friends didn't drive & couldn't afford a hotel) and I don't get people who don't put any thought into potential barriers for guests.

I think you are bing over sensitive to the wording in an invitation😊.

Children aren’t invited, for either numbers or preference. Couple wants to say it in a way that doesn’t sound harsh. They chose this one. Most people will laugh. Some people will cry ‘ but rufus and perpetua are my world. How can these idiots beleive I would ever enjoy an event without them’. Other will bitch about how hard it is to get a babysitter. Thankfully most will just either accept or decline the invitation.

You know why I always find this weird... Surely the only people invited are the people with their names written on the invitation? Sure 'rosie, Jim & little bob' or 'Rosie, Jim & family' would include children, but if it just says 'rosie & jim', why would anyone expect the kids were invited?

Or 'rosie, Jim, Rufus & perpetua' ofc

YABU.
It's obviously meant to be a lighthearted joke about how kids can be stressful etc.

Clearly you do need to let your hair down! Lol

I didn't have children at my wedding, but I wasn't twee about it. I just said that I didn't want kids at my wedding and that was that really. Nobody batted an eyelid. There is no need to dress it up as something else.

Nothing, she's obsessed by the child.....it was a very stressful weekend actually as her child's behaviour continued that way the whole weekend...

But as the sun obviously shines out of his a$$ (in her world) she thinks every else should feel the same....

Some parents get so touchy above their children it really isn't worth mentioning...

We had a child free wedding (hardly anyone we knew had kids so it wasn’t a huge issue) and I just didn’t put the children’s name on the invites. One person from work asked ahout kids and I just said we weren’t having them.

I never said it was for the benefit of the parents, I just said I didn’t want a load of kids running around screaming at my wedding!!

In my culture weddings are a family thing and that includes inviting the children. It’s up to the B&G but pretending that you’re helping out parents by excluding kids is absolute bull. In our case it had meant either one of us missing most of the wedding or both of us leaving early/ missing parts of the wedding as we don’t have family nearby.

It’s just politeness that sometimes strays into twee territory. The fact is, people feel they have to give an explanation; not surprising given the amount of people on MN who are horrified by the thought of a wedding without children - because god forbid anything without children could possibly equal a family.

Would it better just to say sadly the children of certain people on table 3 are entitled little shits who receive little to no effective parenting so none of you are getting to being kids or to laugh it off as a night off? I personally prefer the politer option that gives something of an explanation and offends no one.

Totally agree. It’s so patronising. When we got married, most of our friends had very young children or babies. There was no way I’d expect them to leave them for a night or two.
So we made sure children were welcome and we didn’t have sit-down meal... but a big informal buffet and so it didn’t affect the cost at all.
It was much more important that our friends felt welcome as families. Some left older kids at home but at least it was their choice.

YADNBU

Just be honest - “we don’t want your child crying / yelling / saying embarrassing things loudly during our vows” or in some cases “we actively dislike children and don’t want them near us” (I know both types).

It’s totally fine - it’s your day, if you don’t want kids there, don’t invite kids.

As far as I see it, it’s very simple - you can say no kids, but you can’t be annoyed if people with kids then can’t come.

The problems come when people either bring their kids anyway (“surely you didn’t mean no babies?”) or when couples flip their lid because their breastfeeding best mate can’t come without their baby

I agree with you.

If people want a child free wedding then that's up to them, but don't pretend it's some benevolent gift for the guests (who are probably spending more to come without children) and also don't get moody if people start going home at 10:30/11pm (depending on distance) because they have a baby sitter rather than a fanily member.

I see why couples do it though, because otherwise they get a phone Call asking just in case would it be possible to have a child there. And weddings are different type of enjoyable without kids and they might actually think they are doing you a favour, you can let loose in a different way and maybe even get a night away!!*

Don’t be so patronising.

Firstly, this wording makes that sort of call more likely as it doesn’t suggest that the couple are opposed to kids but are doing it for the guests benefit.

Yes, a night away without the kids would be bloody marvellous but it isn’t going to happen because we have no one to take care of them (funnily enough people aren’t queuing up to have them overnight, or ever) and finding childcare for twin toddlers with disabilities is impossible, not to mention extortionate even if we did find someone.

I would have to turn down any wedding invites even if they could come as I wouldn’t take them.

But please don’t pretend you’re doing me a favour!

YANBU

They should say it as it is. A pp above said alcohol and children don't mix. That's making an assumption that everyone drinks and either the parents will be unable to look after their kids or that other guests will get drunk to the extent it would affect my child.

I only had children if the family at my wedding. My Dsis organised a creche for kids at her wedding, which allowed the parents and the children to enjoy themselves.

It comes down to finances in some cases and your ability and desire to pay for kids to attend.

Entirely the couples choice, but consideration should be given for ppl coming from miles away with infant children IMO.

It annoys me as a phrase to be honest, if they don’t want children there then own that rather than pretend you’re doing me a favour. The logistics around sorting out childcare are not doing me a favour.

It's a bit like having a midweek wedding and writing on the invitation that the wedding is on a Wednesday because the couple thought that you would like the chance to have a couple of days off work.

I don’t think the no kids thing is any more of an issue than as PP said a mid-week wedding, or a wedding that requires an overnight stay. There are so many things that couples choose for their big day that cannot suit every invitee.

My friend had a midweek wedding, that required a 2 night stay, with no kids, mid-week, in the middle of the 6 weeks holidays.

She was most affronted that some people ‘didn’t care enough to make the effort to come’, including those that would be coming from the 4 corners of the UK and Ireland.

I tried to explain to her that for some people it would have been nigh on impossible, especially when you are talking about family whose childcare options would have actually been attending her wedding. People have their own family holidays over that period, might struggle to get time off from work, the expense itself of attending, not wanting to leave your kids for 2 nights if they are young etc etc.

When you are child free you really don’t understand what you are asking of people. But couples need to understand their choices might mean some people can’t/don’t come, and invitees have to accept that they don’t get to dictate the arrangements to suit them and accept or decline on that basis.

I can’t bear it when people say things like ‘we come as a family’ or ‘if you don’t want my kids there then I’m not coming either’, or equally when people say things such as my friend above. They are such selfish things to say. The world revolves around no one so get over yourselves!

You know why I always find this weird... Surely the only people invited are the people with their names written on the invitation? Sure 'rosie, Jim & little bob' or 'Rosie, Jim & family' would include children, but if it just says 'rosie & jim', why would anyone expect the kids were invited?

Because in some places, including my area, invites were usually written to the adult couple, and any children were understood to be invited also.

It's becoming less common now, but was certainly the case for years. Now, the younger generation are checking etiquette online so invites are more specific.

Completely agree. I'm bf so have to take my baby to a wedding, regardless of bride and grooms concern that I should get the chance to relax. If she's not invited, I'll not be there. (Which has caused a huff, of course, but that's a tale for another day.)

Because in some places, including my area, invites were usually written to the adult couple, and any children were understood to be invited also.

now that's very confusing.
I only know of invitations where the name of each guest is specifically written, even if it's just on the envelop.

It was easier when there was less drama about name change and you could invite Mr and Mrs without offending someone

If a couple are getting married and they want/need to keep some cap on numbers, why should they have to prioritise friends’ children over other friends they might want to invite?

But couples need to understand their choices might mean some people can’t/don’t come, and invitees have to accept that they don’t get to dictate the arrangements to suit them and accept or decline on that basis.

This. Don't take the huff when parents can't then come to your wedding. Just because bride and groom have childcare on tap doesn't mean everyone does.

YANBU. I’m fully supportive of child free weddings. I love children dearly but have seen too many weddings ruined thanks to parents who can’t be bothered to supervise and care for their children at weddings. I went to two weddings where multiple children were allowed to scream and shout so loudly that the vows couldn’t be heard, instead of the parents using their brains and taking them out of the church until they’d calmed down. In both cases the bride and groom were visibly upset, trying to speak over the children during one of the most important moments of their lives. I’ve also been at a farm wedding where, as I was leaving I found about 8 children all under 11, the youngest being 2, wandering about in the pitch dark after midnight unsupervised in the carpark which was a very long way from the barn where their parents were. It was next to a dangerous country road with steep drops. I was a stranger to some of these children and they (understandably) refused to come back to the venue with me and none of the adults I knew in the venue were answering their phones. It was a nightmare trying to get them back to parents and when I did, with the help of another couple who were leaving, we found the parents drunk and unappreciative that their children had been reunited with them.

All that being said, it’s wrong for couples to act like they are doing guests a favour by banning children from the wedding! I understand that it’s difficult to arrange childcare and that a lot of extra expense can be involved. If you don’t want children at a wedding, fine, I don’t blame you but don’t pretend it’s because you are helping the parents!

IME weddings equal twee euphemisms for everything: especially the ones which in a roundabout way are asking for money. ('No boxed gifts' - ugh!) And the only reason people use euphemisms is that they know fine well that stating the bald truth would be just plain rude.