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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

About couples making out that childfree weddings are for my benefit not theirs?!

129 replies

WeddingWoes1234 · 03/07/2019 14:48

Not a thread about whether weddings should be childfree or not, I totally appreciate that it’s down to each individual couple to plan their day exactly as they want it although I do think it’s weird when all of your friends have children, but the WAY this is put in the invite.
Over the last couple of months I’ve had invites saying things along the lines of ‘no children because we think you’ll have more fun’ or ‘we want you to be able to let your hair down and relax’, like it’s a big favour to me not to invite my children. Don’t get me wrong, things are fun without kids they’ll still be there when we get home at the end of the night and will need looking after the next day so there’s only so much hair you can let down! I wish people would just say ‘we’ve decided we aren’t inviting children’ and leave it at that rather than making it seem like a virtuous act.

And yes I KNOW this isn’t a big deal in the scheme of things but I’m irrationally irked by it Blush

OP posts:
Aroundtheworldin80moves · 03/07/2019 16:49

A wedding we went to a couple of years ago... Prior to formal invitations arriving, DH gets phone call from friend... 'bit short of space, do you need to bring your kids'. We had already sorted grandparents coming to stay so it was no problem. No one got offended. Just sorted by all being Grown Ups.
If it was sprung on us on the invitation after already sorting flights with a message about making it easier for us to relax .. we wouldn't have been happy.

CatG85 · 03/07/2019 16:51

@cookit

"I’m not sure how much money extra it would cost. I would never dream of keeping a 2/3/4 year old up for the evening so so I’d probably head back to the hotel with them after the drinks reception but before the sit down meal anyway which is what I did for the one wedding I went to recently which welcomed children)"

And if everyone who brought their children did this, it'd be a bit of a bare reception wouldn't it. Not very nice for the newlyweds.

stayathomer · 03/07/2019 16:52

What's a money poem?!

NorwegianButter · 03/07/2019 16:53

We didn't have kids at our wedding but we didn't say anything about it being kid free, we just clearly didn't put the children's names on the wedding invites.

But as you'll have seen from numerous Mn threads, this doesn't work for a significant minority of people, who (a) think the invite implicitly invites their children, or who (b) can't believe anyone would have the gall to invite them without their children, or who (c) see an invitation that doesn't mention their children as the start of a process of hinting and negotiation with the bride and groom.

I can't blame anyone who specifies that no children are invited. The 'to let your hair down' line is the wedding invitation equivalent of the insincere 'tinkly laugh' people are always advising one another to give on here.

LightDrizzle · 03/07/2019 16:55

It’s a bit cheesy but they’ve just become handy tropes for people to fall back on.
Some people are so bloody touchy about their children that the British recourse to indirectness and circumlocution to signify politeness is understandable.
Some people would find “Adults Only” to be terse. You can’t win really.
I think a lot of people with “shoes off” houses probably say things like “You can leave your shoes here if you like.” Rather than saying. “Take your shoes off please.” although we all know that’s what they mean.

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 03/07/2019 16:56

here's a money poem

stayathomer · 03/07/2019 16:58

My jaw is hitting the floor. People DO that?!?!?!

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 03/07/2019 16:59

yes, I got one for the very first time recently!

My life is complete!

Treaclepie19 · 03/07/2019 17:01

Agreed.
I hate being invited to child free weddings and this just makes it worse.

BasinHaircut · 03/07/2019 17:14

Lol at the poster who would take her kids back to the room BEFORE the meal as if it’s no big deal! Shock

Don’t wedding meals cost about £50 a head? Plus a couple of kids meals. Not to mention the gaping hole in the table plan.

How rude of you.

Aragog · 03/07/2019 17:22

YANBU

People should own their decisions. Having a child free wedding is pretty much always for the benefit of the bride and groom. They shouldn't then try to pretend it isn't.

It's fine to go child free, but be honest about it!

HorridHenrysNits · 03/07/2019 17:23

Totally agree. Although ‘we don’t want your snotty nosed brats running around while you ignore them and chug the free champagne and ruin our big day’ may not be as poetic on the wedding invite. Or please bring presents but not your cunty kids.

Erm, am I the only one who would be actually rather impressed and amused to get an invitation saying that?! Paperchase should start doing them.

YANBU OP, people need to learn it's annoying, not nice and polite.

ethelfleda · 03/07/2019 17:25

YANBU OP - fine don’t invite kids. One of us may be able to come but not both.

Also - what’s wrong with a money poem? I’d be relieved I didn’t have to think of a gift to buy!

Benjispruce · 03/07/2019 17:26

Because if they put 'No children' there would be a gazillion threads saying how rude and blunt they were so they try to soften it , only to come up against you!

Ihatesundays · 03/07/2019 17:45

Like I’ve said before, if I was spend a small fortune on childcare the last place I would be going would be a wedding.

These invites assume you have childcare. Most weddings we go to involve a lot of travel, so if DC aren’t invited there’s no chance of us going to.

toomuchtooold · 03/07/2019 17:57

Not this thread again

No, it's great! It's the first time we've been able to vote on it. I hope someone does Buggy on the Bus and This Child in the Café Made a Noise, Can One of You Mothers Have a Word too.

Whoopstheregomyinsides · 03/07/2019 18:36

There’s no shame in child free wedding whether it’s due to cost, space or preference. Just say it’s child free

ForalltheSaints · 03/07/2019 18:47

YANBU. A wedding is about those who are getting married, and the arrangements are for them alone. Not a choice made for your benefit, but theirs.

DoraleeRhodes · 03/07/2019 18:53

YANBU, it’s really annoying when people try to dress their choice up as favour.

It is though precisely because all our friends have kids that we are doing a ‘family children only’ thing. We’d have ended up with over half our guests being under the age of 12 if we hadn’t.

We didn’t try to dress it up as anything else though. A few people have said they are looking forward to being child free for the day, whether that’s true or not though I have no idea.

stayathomer · 03/07/2019 20:10

Like I’ve said before, if I was spend a small fortune on childcare the last place I would be going would be a wedding.

And yet it's sad that most of the time people will be so ready to give childcare if you're going to a wedding , but for something everyday it's nearly impossible to get people to help!

LilyR2019 · 03/07/2019 20:29

I believe it is the couple's decision whether children are there or not. I requested no children at my wedding, primarily because the venue wasn't really suitable for children, lots of sharp edges & steps with no railings etc. One of my friends ignored my request & decided to bring her little snowflake along.....he then decided to scream the place down because the cake wasn't being cut to his agenda..... and didn't stop screaming. So, he didn't have a great day & neither did most the guests.....(although the hard of hearing were just fine) it is kind of difficult to enjoy something when a small child is channelling the exorcist.....to this day I'm still not sure about her motivation as her partner had agreed to look after him?...

If parents have separation anxiety, and can't bear to be parted from their children to attend a childfree wedding, then it's probably best if they make their apologies & don't go....

Although it is odd what people perceive as the "norm" in the 21st century - I don't remember ever attending a wedding as a child, I would have been bored to death & I'm really glad I didn't have go

museumum · 03/07/2019 21:36

I think this kind of “no kids please” is actually not about the kids not being there it’s basically saying to parents “we want you to come and be the fun people we loved when we first knew you not the stressed out distracted and knackered versions of yourselves you’ve become since having kids”.
It is a bit of a backhanded compliment.

sneakypinky · 03/07/2019 21:41

@LilyR2019 Fucking hell, what did you say to your friend?

I'd be furious. If it's child free you decline if you don't have childcare.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 03/07/2019 21:48

YANBU

I went to a couple that simply said - sorry this wedding is not child friendly - which was fine

Femaleassassin · 03/07/2019 21:55

I think child free weddings are fab but it's patronising to say that on the invite. I'm more than happy to have a night off. Yolo!