‘I should have known not to come to Mumsnet’

[StillCoughingandLaughing]

Does anyone else feel like they’re seeing an ever-increasing number of this threads? OP asks ‘AIBU?’ and, if anyone dares say anything other than ‘Of course not, you’re an amazing mum/MIL is a total bitch/your DH is completely unreasonable and needs to learn to appreciate how wonderful you are’ or whatever it is they want to hear, they come back with:

‘I should have known not to come to Mumsnet for support. More fool me! I’m already feeling shit about this and you have all piled on to slate me and tell me what a worthless person I am. Why is MN like this?!’

Then a couple of posts later we get the ‘I am going to step away from this thread now for my own good’, as if this is something that has taken Ghandi-esque levels of inner calm and dignity, rather than clicking a button. Then if anyone responds with anything other than ‘Oh no, poor OP!’, they’re back demanding to know why people are still being so mean, having clearly not ‘stepped away’ at all.

I’m not talking about posters who get a genuinely hard time they don’t deserve. I’m talking about those who wail that they’ve been ‘slated’ or ‘berated’ if anyone says anything that’s less than 100% in agreement with their position. They cry ‘I just wanted some support!’, yet chose to post on an ADVICE forum. And if they all ‘should have known’, why didn’t they? Why the amateur dramatics because AIBU didn’t turn out to be one big group hug?

I think that, as well as offering kindness, advice and support to people in difficult situations, one of Mn’s best features is a tendency to say a brisk ‘cop yourself on, drama queen’ when merited. Some people don’t like it.

Probably because people come on here at times when they are feeling upset/emotional and maybe don't have anyone irl to turn to for advice...

Sometimes people get a hard time on here. You're not magically protected from feeling feelings cos the words are on a screen. Not everyone is made of stone.

I do think people get an unnecessarily hard time sometimes on here. I've had some really helpful advice but amongst that you always get superiority, goading and sometimes plain nastiness. I get that people come on here for honest opinions and in some cases a stern word is needed, but you can't deny there's a lot of trolling too.

There are some things I would never discuss on here.

It's because posters insist on posting in AIBU 'for traffic'.

Find the right topic. Yes you will get fewer replies but possibly kinder/more useful ones.

What Sparkingbrook said.

I think sometimes posters forget that there is a real person who wants advice on the other side of this too though. People can be really harsh and rude. Or they can just be plain thick. The amount of times I read 'well you should never have had kids with him then' pisses me right off. It's not advice , it's not helpful, it's not even funny.

I grant you there are some idiot ops, but I see more of the former than the latter.

There a thread at the moment which could go down that route - the mother is angry with the husband because she did not want anyone to tell her when her child walked his first steps. I won't go into it here ...

Someone new to the forum might not have any clue that AIBU is notoriously blunt and harsh.

I just think there is a real, potentially vulnerable person on the other side of the screen. If you're just going to abuse them then scroll past because nobody knows what effect their words could have.

I've seen some posts on here where I've really despaired with the op but unless I have something productive to add and can do it in moderately kind way I just don't reply.

And then they get the thread deleted.

Didn't use to happen back in the day.

MN is like people from Yorkshire- they pride themselves on their straight talking but to a lot of people they're just plain rude. And also, as regards MNers, just plain stupid a lot of the time.

This is happening all the time now. Threads getting zapped all over the place. On the other hand I don't like it when posters go full on armchair psychologist on a poster or cross question them like the gestapo.

AIBU can be fucking horrible. If I was a new poster who didn't know that and made a post here and got the usual range of responses I would probably think "well fuck that place". I don't start threads in AIBU (not least because I really have no interest in whether any of you think I am BU about anything).

Also there are a number of other forums whose members have a semi obsession with MN and come here to wind us up and watch us go (arrse's threads about this are generally very funny tbh, especially when they go back to talking about the old bum sex and wind thread). I suspect a fair few of the apparently oblivious to AIBU norms threads are from visitors who know very well what they're doing.

Agree with sparkling - use the topics (before they’re all culled and the useful/supportive side of MN vanishes through lack of use)

Or at least use chat not AIBU

@CassianAndor
MN is like people from Yorkshire- they pride themselves on their straight talking but to a lot of people they're just plain rude. And also, as regards MNers, just plain stupid a lot of the time.

So all Yorkshire people are rude and stupid? Well aren't you delightful (and sweepingly judgmental)! I assume you've met us all then?

YY to what Sparkling said.

If you post a contrived thread title of AIBU to ask if you like this dress then you will get blunt “no it looks shit” replies

If you post the same in Style and Beauty you will get replies detailing why the colour / shape / style doesn’t work and suggestions of better choices.

‘I am going to step away from this thread now for my own good’

I love those, they are so funny! Especially because they come up on completely ridiculous threads where the subject really doesn't matter. On a thread about bereavement, it would be very sad, but on one about cake smash it's just childish and funny.

I've stepped away from a thread I've started when I've seen that IWBU, accepted and acknowledged it, and still posters keep adding their opinion which just makes you feel worse, or it moves on so much from the original post that it's just not useful.

And people can be very hurtful.

What’s also a bit annoying is when people post what looks like a serious AIBU; genuinely looking for feedback on the situation raised. Then after a few (mainly negative) responses the OP comes back with:

‘It was lighthearted, does no one have a sense of humour’

OK... If there is literally nothing to suggest the OP was light hearted it’s a bit baffling.

If you're just going to abuse them then scroll past because nobody knows what effect their words could have.

But this is the problem. You use the word ‘abuse’ when the majority of posters are simply disagreeing or saying ‘Yes, YABU’ - which you have to accept could be an answer to ‘AIBU?’ You cannot call anything that’s not a hippie love-in ‘abuse’.

The dramatics are tedious, but I do sometimes read an innocuous first post followed by a torrent of hostility and think....eh? Why?

Why do you assume that people are referring to anything but agreement as abuse?

It's the posters who fall over themselves in their desperation to catch people out who really get on my tits. The "OP you say here you are on a low calorie diet but in a previous post you mentioned you had bought crisps in the weekly shop, so which is it, hmmm?" shit. Weird how they miss the blatant trolls but zoom in on the tiniest if apparent discrepancies by actual posters.

I love people who take general comments personally and get really offended and insist on defend themselves. They can get really irate.

There's obviously a difference between disagreement and abuse but you can't deny the latter doesn't happen. I once posted a serious issue in AIBU and the first poster called me an idiot. For literally no reason. That isn't a disagreement it's just someone being rude.

I've also seen a troubling thread recently where the op clearly had a very abusive partner and predictably the responses were all along the lines of LTB. But as the thread went on posters became really quite harsh and disrespectful towards the op, insisting she should leave, telling her she was basically stupid for not leaving and so on. This is a vulnerable person going through a very confusing a traumatic time. It was just really uncomfortable to read tbh.

My opinion is that if you feel the need to kick
Someone when they're down either online on irl you're probably not a very nice person 🤷🏻‍♀️

And just because it's on AIBU it doesn't make it ok. People may not know the brusque nature of the board.

I’m not talking about posters who get a genuinely hard time they don’t deserve.

Well, that does happen rather a lot. And, to disagree with an earlier comment, the ‘offence’ of posting on the wrong board doesn’t really excuse it.

I like the fact that MN is plain-speaking - I'd prefer that to hugs and flowers all the time. But it does tip over into unkindness sometimes. I know if I'm not having a great day in real life, I'm more tempted to wade into combat. I generally sit on my hands until the impulse passes, because it's about me rather than OP.