‘I should have known not to come to Mumsnet’

[StillCoughingandLaughing]

Does anyone else feel like they’re seeing an ever-increasing number of this threads? OP asks ‘AIBU?’ and, if anyone dares say anything other than ‘Of course not, you’re an amazing mum/MIL is a total bitch/your DH is completely unreasonable and needs to learn to appreciate how wonderful you are’ or whatever it is they want to hear, they come back with:

‘I should have known not to come to Mumsnet for support. More fool me! I’m already feeling shit about this and you have all piled on to slate me and tell me what a worthless person I am. Why is MN like this?!’

Then a couple of posts later we get the ‘I am going to step away from this thread now for my own good’, as if this is something that has taken Ghandi-esque levels of inner calm and dignity, rather than clicking a button. Then if anyone responds with anything other than ‘Oh no, poor OP!’, they’re back demanding to know why people are still being so mean, having clearly not ‘stepped away’ at all.

I’m not talking about posters who get a genuinely hard time they don’t deserve. I’m talking about those who wail that they’ve been ‘slated’ or ‘berated’ if anyone says anything that’s less than 100% in agreement with their position. They cry ‘I just wanted some support!’, yet chose to post on an ADVICE forum. And if they all ‘should have known’, why didn’t they? Why the amateur dramatics because AIBU didn’t turn out to be one big group hug?

Usually uttered by goady fuckers and trolls ime.

I LOVE the nest of vipers that is AIBU. if you want fluffy stuff, go on Chat, it's just as busy and usually a lot nicer. AIBU is bracing, challenging, often funny, and usually brimming with intelligent comments from clever people who have often given me a fresh perspective on things, even if I don't agree with them.

And there are always loons and arseholes and keyboard warriors flitting about, but I prefer to ignore them and not give them the oxygen of engaging with them. DNFTT is a useful acronym I've seen elsewhere: do not feed the trolls. Don't dignify their spittle-flecked rants with a response.

I think Cassian has a point. It shocked me that "idiot" got listed up thread as being rude. I would have put it as synonymous with "daftie", "numpty" or even "fanny" - IE a fairly fond friendly term.

If I want to be rude there are much much more obviously rude words to use.

Some people are just mean. It's not straight talking to say "You sound hard work, OP. I hope he leaves you/SS take your kids/you don't deserve XYZ." That is nasty and not meant to be helpful. That is said to hurt another human being.

Brimming with intelligent posters!! I'd say there are a few intelligent posters around, but most just think they are. Lots of people see AIBU as an excuse to release their inner bitch, particularly if someone else already has. While AIBU can be extremely funny, and sometimes very helpful, sometimes people go far too far.

Some posters can be plain nasty. Others just blunt. Such responses can be difficult to read if you don’t have robust mental health.

Other times sadly the tone of responses can be all wrong. Pile ons on a poster clearly crying for help.

I totally understand why some people step away from threads. There are different levels of awareness from being totally ignorant of how we are perceived to full awareness. Not all of us have had the parenting or education to look at ourselves square on. They step away as a coping strategy because they’re scared.

Some posters use Aibu as free therapy and a safe space to vent their spleen. So these competing factors just don’t mix.

Thing is some people are like children if you tell them they are in the wrong and then the whole “More fool me for coming to mumsnet” rubbish comes out. I mean please grow up and learn to be an adult and accept when your wrong 🙄

Also sometimes the truth hurts and some people can’t take that

YANBU

Those types of posters/ threads are definitely on the increase, and comprehension skills are definitely in decline.

If they ‘knew’ they shouldn’t have come here (but did anyway) a chorus of YABU shouldn’t come as a surprise...we all know where to gonif you just want to hear ‘Hugs Hun, your baba, your rules’ type nonsense

I miss MN where you used to have a good debate about stuff & it could get quite gritty, without accusations of bullying & abuse simply because you disagree...

L

Aibu is not titled pile-on.

Just because someone posts in Aibu doesn’t mean they’re not the same person with the same feelings,

Mn have a lot to answer for having created that, they actively saught out the reputation of a sight full of bitches with no empathy. L

Mn have a lot to answer for having created that, they actively saught out the reputation of a sight full of bitches with no empathy.

No-one makes anyone post on MN. Anyone who posts on AIBU when other more nuanced sub-forums on MN are available is disingenuous at best, dim at worst, and I do mean the, "I'm a newbie/be gentle on me/don't judge/here for the traffic" as they post on contentious issues.

Then piss and moan because a whole bunch of internet randoms don't agree with them.

Post in the relevant sub-forum and get on with it.

Personally I think it's because this forum, for whatever insane reason, gets arsey if you write more than about four lines, and no-one can put across all the nuances of a situation in a brief post. So then you get "AIBU?" - "yes" - "ah, but they also did this last year and then that too, AIstillBU?" - "DRIPFEEDER!!!!".

It's not a helpful place really for issues that involve human interaction. Which most issues do.

Oops, gone over my four line limit - SORRY FOR THE LONG POST!

It's the posters who fall over themselves in their desperation to catch people out who really get on my tits. The "OP you say here you are on a low calorie diet but in a previous post you mentioned you had bought crisps in the weekly shop, so which is it, hmmm?" shit. Weird how they miss the blatant trolls but zoom in on the tiniest if apparent discrepancies by actual posters

God yes- this is so annoying

Like, they go off, search thorough all your threads to catch you out

Also, what annoys me is the people taking offence when the poster OBVIOUSLY hasn't meant it that way - and an almost aggressive defence of people being moaned about- like there's no one rude, weird, flirty in the real world and it is all in the poster's head

Compared to another forum I visit .. this is tame
Some people are just vile in the way they behave ( very much so on the other forum )
Hold on to the lovely people who give great advice on here ..I’m addicted to it all .. and the recipes etc .. good luck don’t get upset ....

I'm with you OP, I've seen a few of those recently and I'm sat here reading them eye-rolling. Generally, it goes along the lines of:

**OP posts an AIBU problem
**People offer solutions
**OP refuses to consider anything and offers a range of weird and wonderful reasons why, getting defensive and angry in the process. Often adds in new "facts" which contradict previous statements
**People point out inconsistencies and ask for clarity
**OP gets angrier and more defensive about being picked on
**People tell her that there's no point getting cross and she shouldn't have posted if she didn't want to hear honest opinions
**A few selected people tell OP not to listen to the nasty people and stroke the OP's bruised ego
**OP says she should have known not to post on MN and flounces out

To be fair, some people do get a tough time which seems to be completely unwarranted. I'm often lost for words at some of the different views I see on here - it's certainly a diverse bunch in AIBU 😅

The ones I get irritated by are where they're clearly not interested in talking/hearing from anyone who doesn't want to give them asspats and sympathy. Of course that doesn't excuse outright rudeness and some certainly cross a line.

Also, I'm not sure I'd ever have the courage to post in AIBU so I'm the biggest hypocrite ever 😅😅

people in real life dont spill everything so everyone can know the exact details of their life in the first instance.so people do get such a hrd time for drip feeding.you have to remeber on the outside people nyou talk to generally no a bit about the situation or you.and when talking think do sometime just generally drip out as you open up and feel calmer/more reasurred with the situation

sometimes in life people can be idiots and do really stupid things.and that guilt and shame and lonliness does sometime need kindness.or at least a dfferent way other than being told "yeh your a f* idiots
particular ones i think are horrid are where the woman is being abused and she cant see it or is sticking up for the man shitting on her.and people are sending such shame and berating words and questioning her for it.when everything we see about abuse is about the manipulation and suffering of the victim,of gaslighting and making them feel like theyare nothing so cant leave or questioning their rationality.and so when they come on her desperate i think some of the abuse they get is awful.

bt then there are the posts and you think.ok.what are yu thinking.

The thing is though behind every user name is a real person.
We don't know how vulnerable the poster is. We don't know what could tip them over the edge. I could post a hurtful comment and it could he the straw that breaks the camels back.
I'm not saying it should be all unicorns and rainbows. That's not real life. However you can get your point across by being constructive. There's no need to be destructive.

I said this on a thread the other day, but they need a "just venting" section where people can just get shit off their chest and get some support. If you post in AIBU, then you can't exactly get upset when people respond YABU. I mean, you are asking if YABU or not! That's the point of the section.

On a thread the other day, the OP really berated those who disagreed with her and called them "cunty", but absolutely no one had been horrible to her. They had just told her that they had a different viewpoint. If someone genuinely has been horrible, then report the post.

Seriously, if a few comments by strangers tips you over the edge then get off the internet. (Unless it's a samaratins chat line lol)

Also, I do agree that sometimes people are horrible and it's just awful to read, but I'm taking about threads where someone politely disagrees with the majority and then gets shit on for "Giving the OP a hard time" and "being a cunt" when they've done no such thing.

@starzig or....as an alternative....people could just not be vile?

It's really very simple, you can disagree with someone and tell them they are being unreasonable without catty comments, sarcasm, name calling or being otherwise disrespectful. I just don't get why some people find that so hard?

It's not about being sunshine and rainbows, it's just about not being a dick, surely? I'm sure most people would teach their kids to treat people with kindness and respect so why talk to people online with contempt even if you disagree with them?

Oh fwiw it was me who was called an idiot and it wasn't said in a 'funny' or 'friendly' way. I'd written a post about how my ex was behaving badly in regards to childcare etc and how worried I was for my ds. The first response was 'your kid has two idiots for parents'. Please tell me how that is in anyway helpful or necessary?

‘It was lighthearted, does no one have a sense of humour’

These always make me laugh 😂 there’s a thread running atm where someone posted about a serious topic (partner wanted more kids, she didn’t, she made out they were seriously weighing up him solo adopting or fostering), people responded as if it was serious, OP then change to ‘omg it’s lighthearted why are you all replying like it isn’t’, cue posters highlighting there was absolutely nothing to indicate it being light hearted and it all devolving...

I like the debates and stuff but I stepped away from my thread cos someone was just being a cunt for no reason whatsoever. I’d never talk to anyone like shit in real life I dunno why I should have to out up with it on here.. and I don’t. I can walk away from threads.

It’s handy being told you’re being unreasonable don’t get me wrong but then to go along with derogatory remarks and not actual justification is a joke and I’d rather just leave those people to bitter away in their holes :)

For those saying people needing support should move to chat (or relationship etc...), the issue can be the same there. It USED TO be that AIBU was a bit of free for all. But the ‘straight talking’ has spread to many other areas. As described by posters on this thread - relationship being one of those.

I didn't know that AIBU was supposed to be more harsh / blunt - I just thought it was for people who wanted to know if they were unreasonable or not! Obviously if you post there you need to expect that people might think you ARE being unreasonable, but there's no need for posters to be aggressive, rude or super critical.

When I had DS1 16 years ago MN definitely felt more supportive than it does now. Last year I posted in education about a school dilemma and it turned into personal attacks on me re private school which I found really upsetting. It's odd how MN agree that aggressive attack / shaming is not ok re breast / bottle, but is ok for other topics e.g. private / state school.

There's a gobsmacking lack of empathy on MN these days. Most posters make zero effort to put themselves in someone else's shoes.