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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you be a bit hurt?

108 replies

Sunmersunshine88 · 02/07/2019 19:42

Family member is getting married...

There are six of us siblings and they have asked one child from each of the siblings to be on the wedding except any from mine.

I can’t help being very hurt we are a close family and this has just made me feel again like the odd one out AIBU to feel a bit snubbed?

OP posts:
Limits33 · 02/07/2019 21:39

I agree with mathanxiety.

We've been in this situation before where SIL treats people like shit and the whole family just excuses and enables her, for an outsider it's bizarre, but they find it totally normal. As someone that finds it beyond weird, when she did it with me and DH I called her out. The whole family went into shock, nobody has ever bucked against her bullshit. DH and I have been pretty much blacklisted by them ever since. They showed their true colours and now we are 7 years free of those weird arseholes.

AverageMummy · 02/07/2019 21:42

You’re not unreasonable to be upset but actually it’s even worse for the kids in families where 1 child got picked. Who the f does that ?

ReanimatedSGB · 02/07/2019 21:43

It sounds like you may be the family scapegoat - are you the youngest/oldest or something?
Though I have to say, given that you mention this sort of thing happening 'a lot', could you be a bit oversensitive? Do you, for instance, tot up exactly how much was spent on everyone's Christmas presents and complain if yours was eg £5 less than what your siblings got? Do you insist on being included any time any of your family members get together, and cause drama if you're not? Do arrangements often have to be changed to accomodate some additional requirement of yours, even if it's inconvenient to others or ups the cost?
Because if you have form for constant whining and demanding your own way over everything, it might be that your sibling has just said, oh God please let's just not have her, it will be a nightmare.

AryaStarkWolf · 02/07/2019 21:47

Very hurtful

Gazelda · 02/07/2019 21:56

Are you younger than your siblings OP?

stayathomer · 02/07/2019 21:56

yanbu but am very curious as to the age of your child? ie if the child is 5 and they have one 5yo doing a duty then they might have thought just to leave yours out and like people said above, they're leaving a lot of children out, my point would be it's a bit rubbish if you only have one surety they could have fit him/her in

Original poster
Sunmersunshine88 · 02/07/2019 22:01

I’m the sibling that always organised things and makes sure it suits everyone..:I always think of everyone’s feelings and wouldn’t ever demand to get my own way. But I do find if I can’t do something it’s an oh well this is when we’re doing it but it would be changed for others iyswim.

My mum is used to always having me doing what I’m told by her I suppose

OP posts:
vintanner · 02/07/2019 22:06

Maybe they think that if they included your child that you will be left on your own (being a single parent) during the ceremony, but it was rude for your child not to have been even been asked or for them to have discussed it with you.

LordNibbler · 02/07/2019 22:21

It's one thing allowing them to treat you like shit. But now it's progressing to your child. Are you going to allow this?
It's time to stand up and be counted. You can only be bullied by them if you allow it.

Drum2018 · 02/07/2019 22:21

I’m the sibling that always organised things and makes sure it suits everyone..:I always think of everyone’s feelings and wouldn’t ever demand to get my own way. But I do find if I can’t do something it’s an oh well this is when we’re doing it but it would be changed for others iyswim

My mum is used to always having me doing what I’m told by her I suppose

Time to stop being that person. Put yourself and your needs first from now on and tell everyone to organise their own shit. As for the wedding, I'd go but I wouldn't partake in any organising of it or helping with anything.

Ginger1982 · 02/07/2019 22:25

Well then this is the point where you make a stand, make a change and stop doing what she wants you to do.

frenchknitting · 02/07/2019 22:31

I vote YABU, it's a lot of flower girls/page boys. Maybe they had a limit of 5, and picked 5 out of the e.g. 12 cousins on some basis that made sense to them, not really thinking about how it was distributed across the families. It's not like all the cousins except your children are included.

Sounds like bigger problems than the wedding thought, so maybe YANBU on the whole.

AhhhHereItGoes · 02/07/2019 22:34

Don't be that person anymore.

Show your child that some behaviour is just not acceptable.

Go low contact and let them organise themselves.

It goes wrong? It's not your problem.
They complain? Grey rock them.

You need to live for you. You are not here to make everyone else happy. You are here for you and your child.
Never prioritise someone who just thinks of you as a second thought.

Nittynorathescalpexplorer · 02/07/2019 22:37

I absolutely hear you my dear you are certainly not being over sensitive.
Anyone that tells you is simply trying to deflect it away.
It is absolutely cruel to make someone feel left out.
The damage and anxiety it can cause are horrible.
Don’t let the bastards get you down op x

roothyb · 02/07/2019 22:54

Show up to the wedding in a white dress

poopypants · 02/07/2019 23:27

oh fuck that shit OP. Stop doing stuff for your family. They treat you like garbage. Tell them to fuck off and sort themselve out. Sometimes people need to be told. If they go off and botch about you, what are you losing? They are being ghastly anyway.

Original poster
Sunmersunshine88 · 02/07/2019 23:54

Reading these messages have actually made me relived that I’m not ‘over sensitive’ but even more upset that the people I love so much think little of me 😞

OP posts:
Nittynorathescalpexplorer · 03/07/2019 00:03

No op you are not over sensitive at all.
Your mum sounds like a narcissist to be honest stop doing things for them.
Your mum told them it would be okay I feel she’s at the root of it.
You are a bright lovely person don’t allow them to get to you.
People like your mum and siblings always show their true colours eventually WineFlowers

SavingSpaces2019 · 03/07/2019 02:19

I’ve tried talking to them about it but was told I was over sensitive. The rest of the family have just told me that that’s just how it is and I was unreasonable to even have said anything
Sounds like you are the familt scapegoat and dogsbody and they've always bullied you.
They sound like narcissists.
How do you feel about going completely No Contact or Very Low Contact with them?
I think after this knife in your back you need to seriously reassess why you keep putting up with this shit.

You have a toxic family.
Take a gander over to the Stately Homes thread and you will find your tribe.

NauseousMum · 03/07/2019 06:48

They are deliberately unpleasant to you and accuse you of being oversensitive so they don't have to recognise their bad behaviour.

Stop organising things to help them, either they'll appreciate you more (sadly less likely) of you'll see the unpleasantness more and realise what they are truly like. It's shit really but best to model boundries for your child.

IceCreamSoda99 · 03/07/2019 07:37

I'd go to the wedding as I'm not sure there is a way back from it if you don't go, I would fantasize about dressing my child up in the most extravagant outfit though, little girl full "big fat gypsy wedding" meringue, little boy a morning suit with top hat, but doubt I'd actually do it! They are behaving very thoughtlessly OP and I think you need to distance yourself from being on call for your mum.

sevenoftwelve · 03/07/2019 08:08

I'm sorry, op. Flowers

Damntheman · 03/07/2019 08:43

Usually I'm of the opinion that the wedding couple can do what they want and people should really try not to be upset about it. Weddings can be such ridiculous hives of drama. But OP I've changed my mind (and my vote), this feels like a deliberate exclusion and I'm shocked they all think it's totally fine to ask a child from each sibling but not your DC.

That and remaining affectionate with a man who treated you horribly.. it's all a bit gross. I'm sorry your siblings are so awful.

Jeremybearimybaby · 03/07/2019 08:51

No, you're not over sensitive, you're being treated like shit.
I wouldn't go tbh, but I'm a bit scorched earth like that!
If you feel you must go, then you're going entirely as a guest. Guests turn up, get fed, go home. They don't help with anything.
Stop doing as your mum tells you, and embrace your own family (you and your DCs) as your little unit. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. If the rest of your family want you to be in their lives, they'll have to treat you better. Pull all the way back, and any wedding chat should be met with polite indifference. Flowers

BumandChips · 03/07/2019 10:22

I think it’s time you stopped doing things for them OP. They clearly think you can be treated badly.