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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you be a bit hurt?

108 replies

Sunmersunshine88 · 02/07/2019 19:42

Family member is getting married...

There are six of us siblings and they have asked one child from each of the siblings to be on the wedding except any from mine.

I can’t help being very hurt we are a close family and this has just made me feel again like the odd one out AIBU to feel a bit snubbed?

OP posts:
H2OH20Everywhere · 02/07/2019 20:57

Like pp I think having one out of each family is unfair anyway, let alone excluding yours. Can I ask, though, how many children do you have, and how many are in each family group? I could understand it to some extent if all the others have 1 or 3+ children, then no one sibling is being left out entirely which one of yours would be (if you were the only one with two) if the other one were chosen. But even in this case I think it”s grossly unfair to the other cousins.

LovePoppy · 02/07/2019 20:57

I would be hurt, but no one is owed a place in the wedding party, and there is no tit for tat that you had them they don’t need to have yours.

Original poster
Sunmersunshine88 · 02/07/2019 20:57

No they haven’t been on a wedding before.

Spoke to her honestly didn’t seem bothered I was hurt at all and couldn’t see why I was

OP posts:
Xyzzzzz · 02/07/2019 20:59

Very strange op to just exclude your children. I’d be upset too

Original poster
Sunmersunshine88 · 02/07/2019 21:00

Tbh we were told at the start it was a small wedding there would be no flower girls page boys etc...and it didn’t bother me then she asked one and I could see her reasoning in that then she asked another and I could also see that reasoning. But when talking to my other two siblings today and found out each one of them had one asked I was really shocked

OP posts:
wildcherries · 02/07/2019 21:00

I'd take a step back from them. It seems this is just the last thing among several. If my family hugged an ex that had cheated on me, I'd be so angry and hurt.

Stop helping them and consider seriously whether you and your child will have more fun elsewhere on the day. They don't seem that keen to include you. I'm sorry. It's not nice.

RandomMess · 02/07/2019 21:03

That's very hurtful, I mean you either have none or all.

frumpety · 02/07/2019 21:08

So you have one child ? and all of your five siblings has a child involved in the wedding ? yep I would be a bit hurt too, I would suck it up and go anyway, but inwardly critique the fuck out of every aspect of the wedding. Your child will probably be grateful they don't have to wear some hideous and scratchy outfit for the proceedings Wink

AtrociousCircumstance · 02/07/2019 21:09

Wankers.

Sorry OP. I have no idea why some people are so nasty. Be proud that you aren’t Flowers

Greensleeves · 02/07/2019 21:12

Been thinking about this, and I don't think you and your dc should go to this wedding. The casual cruelty here has really irritated me and it's clear your family expect you to just suck it up and smile. I would make today the first day of NEVER doing that again. Stuff them - they don't care about you. You may be less lonely without them.

AllFourOfThem · 02/07/2019 21:15
Flowers

I wouldn’t go to the wedding and I wouldn’t be doing the bride/groom or your mum any favours in the future.

Original poster
Sunmersunshine88 · 02/07/2019 21:17

My mum rang me there so blasé asking me if I’d made her her hair appt for her holiday next week. Didn’t ask me how I was considering the last I spoke to her this afternoon I had been tearful

OP posts:
RandomMess · 02/07/2019 21:19

Why do you need to make her appointment Confused

Hecateh · 02/07/2019 21:19

Not surprised you are hurt, I would be too
Regularly get it from my family - I'm always the afterthought - single parent too, all the rest happily paired up.

Furiosa · 02/07/2019 21:20

What other things have they done like this? This sounds like they have form for belittling you.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 02/07/2019 21:20

I wouldn't be going to the wedding. If an invite turns up I'd decline it, tbh how will your dc feel knowing all their cousins are flower girls/page boys. If an invite doesn't appear and they 'presume you'll be going' if just not turn up. If they question why, just say you've not been invited

slipperywhensparticus · 02/07/2019 21:21

I would tell her to make her own appointment from now on if she moans tell her to stop being so sensitive

Seriously get some friends avoid your family for a bit they genuinely dont seem to value you

Jaxinthebox · 02/07/2019 21:21

dont make her hair appointment, let her do it herself. And stop being so accommodating to your family who are treating you like shit.

Chloemol · 02/07/2019 21:26

Just tell your mum you have been thinking, it’s obvious that your siblings, and her, don’t understand what they have done and you need to take a step back to allow them to think about their actions and apologise. So that means you won’t be booking any appointments for her, or doing anything to help out for a while

wildcherries · 02/07/2019 21:26

I would tell her to make her own appointment from now on if she moans tell her to stop being so sensitive

Yep. This. Why do you need to do it for her? It's kindness none of them appears to be showing you.

mathanxiety · 02/07/2019 21:27

YYY to Fink's comment.

This is clearly a family in which singling out one person for special or horrible treatment is not seen as any sort of an issue.

The 'oversensitive' remark and the singling out dynamic are textbook in families where a narcissist holds sway. In this case I suspect your mother.

I fear you are the black sheep here.

You should distance yourself from these people. You will never get anywhere appealing to their sense of fairness.

mathanxiety · 02/07/2019 21:29

Do you help the family in order to make them love and accept you?

Isatis · 02/07/2019 21:29

If your mother is capable of phoning you, why can’t she phone the hairdresser herself?

Millie2018 · 02/07/2019 21:33

OP YA NOT BU.
Please don’t let them tell you your feelings are wrong. This is mean. How will your child feel? How will you explain it?
To be honest, I’d go to the wedding to avoid looking petty. Between then and now I’d do whatever it takes to protect yourself and your child from these people.
Distance yourselves from them. You won’t change their minds.

Oliversmumsarmy · 02/07/2019 21:38

Stop doing things for them and definitely don’t go to the wedding.

You have done brilliant stock replies if anyone says anything

You can answer that they are being unreasonable

Or shouldn’t be so sensitive

Or You can’t see anything wrong with ...whatever

I would start by refusing to make the hair appointment.

If your mother says anything you can take your replies from the ones above.

I know they feel like your only support but I think you are getting mixed up with support and familiarity.

Try and get separate back up plans in place for those just in case times, even if you have to pay for help then go NC

You can do do much better without a toxic family weighing you down so you can be their scapegoat