Parent away 48hours a week

[4ormore]

So I am a mother of 4.
I love being a mum, love family life. I don’t often get a break which is fine. But my other half’s hobby now takes up 48hours a week.
Leaves early hours Wednesday morning back late Thursday.
I wish he’d use that time to spend extra with me and the kids.
Am I being unfair?

So he takes two days a week off work to go fishing? Does this mean he’s only working three days a week as a result or is he using his two days off to do his hobby? Sounds like he’s completely avoiding family life, selfish bastard.

The point is that he should be prioritising his family rather than putting them second to his bloody hobby!

Everyone has to make sacrifices when they have young children - what gives him the right to leave all the family stuff to you, op? You must feel very disappointed with the way he has failed to support you.

I actually do.
I feel I make sacrifices but it’s not reciprocated.
But it’s like banging my head off a wall trying to get him to understand that

Maybe you should take up fishing on another two days each week OP?

It doesn't matter if you're not interested in the actual fishing part as a substantial part of the attractions looks like sitting doing nothing for hours on end, in peace and quiet, with a nice view.

Well, he thinks your job being a stay at home parent is easy, right? So he can prove it by "relaxing with the kids" whilst you go out. After all, it's relaxing for you so it will be for him...

I think the saddest thing is I don’t really want to go out, I want him to want to be with us.

Basically he isn’t a partner to you or a parent to the DC’s. I’m amazed you are still married. I wouldn’t be.

I'm a bit confused. Does he work Sat and Sunday?

@4ormore

No, my OH works FT but we live on a river and he fishes on the weekend. We own a stretch of fishing and rent that out during the week.

I understand your frustration (I too am a SAHM) but my reasoning is:

• the uk fly fishing season is ‘only’ April to Oct (ie not going on forever!)
• time taken by OH fishing is reciprocated and balanced out either in time off for me or extra effort made with DS

I think it is OTT that your OH is not making much of an effort to give you time off or recognise your value and input as SAHM. You need to insist on this more!
My OH appreciates that I ‘let’ him have time for his passion, and he’s really good at making sure I feel valued too so I can have time out too.

As I said before, for overseas fishing breaks, try to build in a family holiday so you both get what you need out of it.

For UK, could I suggest maybe you make a family weekend out of it? Eg, instead of a midweek fish, go away as a family for the weekend; OH fishes Sat, you all have Sunday together. If you choose a location like..eg ..Hampshire (ie River Test), there are lots of NT estates as well as kiddie days out too. Look on the website fishingbreaks.co.uk to see possible locations and help to select a beat which has Saturday availability.

He is taking the piss! No one I know fishes during the week when they have a full time job! Completely ridiculous. Like someone else said, he can relax at home with the kids like you do all week!!

Have you asked him when your break is?

Sorry but you are letting him royally take the piss. Time for a proper conversation.

Simple just start a hobby that will take up your time Saturday morning til Sunday night. See how he feels about that.

Seriously. That is just dispicable behaviour from him. But tell him! tell him it is not on!
Are you actually sure he is going 'fishing?

Long time lurker but have resurrected an old account I apparently had just to reply to this thread as it annoyed me so much!
I was thinking about this from the kids point of view - I'm 30-something now and parents divorced but my dad thought he could keep "his" pension that he earned while my mum was a SAHM/part time. Of course courts told him to get stuffed. My point being he seemed to be of a similar view to your DH - his contribution was worth so much more (and by extension, we as the kids were worth less).
As the DD in this instance, this view of course jars with me now. How will your kids feel about him when they're a bit older? And his disrespect towards their mum?
Also I'm sure when they think about it (either now for the older ones, or when they're older) they'll be bloody upset that their so-called father had the ability (which of course the vast majority don't have) to spend an additional two days/week with them but chose not to, and to spend it alone. Rejection, much? Same for the annual holiday. If my dad had done that, I'd have never forgotten it.

YANBU and he's quite frankly a twat.

I'm sure it's safe to say aside from daily looking after DC's /cleaning /cooking/ house admin you also do any required night shifts if any of the DC doesn't sleep or is ill?
Where is your break or time out?

Next time he spouts the bullshit line about him earning the money ask him if you should start billing him for the childcare, cooking, cleaning, laundry and life admin you do for the family so he can actually go out and do the job that earns the money.

I thought this was going to be that he was working away, however fishing for 2 days each week is not acceptable IMO.

Once every few months possibly, but every week? Why does he need to go away overnight to do it?

Let him take the fishing holiday for the eight days next time and say you will organise it. Happily. Be sure to book five tickets.

invite an insurance salesrep round to talk about life insurance. You need to calculate, based on your husband's salary how much he'll need to be insured for if he worst happens.

Then you need to calculate what you need to be insured for. That is 24/7 child care. Cooking & Housekeeping. Taking children to school, doctor etc etc (so could be in the child care if you have, say, a live-in-nanny). Your life insurance sum will be way way higher than his unless he earns a lot. And that is what he will have to pay for if you go on strike.

Then. Introduce him to the fact that SAHM is an actual job. And then introduce him to the European working time directive. Make a plan of the 48 hours - in one go - that you will take off per week and tell him what kind of cover he's going to have to arrange and pay for.

Then sit back and give your best Mona Lisa smile.

So he took it up when his dc1 was born and increased it when his DC2 was born. Sounds like a way of opting out of parenthood to me.

What he like weekends?

Also why does his fishing require a sleep over every weekend? Honestly I'd wonder who else is playing with his rod

Maybe it's an innocent matter of different fish coming out at night?

Doing certain pastimes at night is a thing, the darkness adds a different element to it, so night fishing, night diving, night riding for mountain biking, although I don't think 'night golf' is a thing yet, to channel the other 'it hasn't occurred to my DH that he has domestic responsibilites' thread currently running.

I literally do everything, the house is always immaculate, I cook 3 times a night to suit each time schedule, being such a age gap between children. I honestly put my everything into my family.

You've made a martyr of yourself which is partly why he undervalues you. You sound incredibly impressive and I expect you make it look too easy. He's probably never even bothered to quantify your workload.

I'd recommend you find a hobby - anything will do. Just spending the evening with a friend would work (though don't tell him that) and insist you need to be out one -:or two if you're brave enough - nights a week from when he gets home until 10pm.

Then go to wherever you've planned to go. Go. Ignore any protests and leave him to it. You need to be ruthless or the plan won't work. He'll try to blackmail you to stay. Just get out and stay out. Give him a couple of weeks and he'll be desperate to come to a compromise.

I did something similar when my DC were small. DH never underestimated my workload again.

He's batshit. Imagine if you said that you needed a break and went on a (let's say) yoga retreat every Monday morning at 7am only coming back on Tuesday night. In fact, I would be inclined to find just such a thing (yoga teacher training? whatever floats your boat) and inform him that that's the way it is now, and he needs to make whatever arrangements are necessary to handle the household during that time. LUCKILY you will be back just before his fishing jaunt. Thank the Lord!

Maybe it's an innocent matter of different fish coming out at night?
My bilges night fishing some times, he leaves in the afternoon and if back in the morning. He doesn't need pretty much two full days EVERY WEEK

My SIL is a passionate carp fisherman. But he only fishes one night a week max and leaves late evening after helping with nighttime routines and he's turned it into a family affair.

From when his older DC was 6 he took her with him. Now the DC both take turns to accompany their DF, though not on school nights.

Night fishing brings you very close to nature. His DC see and hear things most town kids never do - foxes, huge carp, etc - plus learning to sit still in silence and trust your senses are valuable skills/experiences. Why not suggest your DH takes one of the DC?