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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parent away 48hours a week

109 replies

4ormore · 02/07/2019 18:03

So I am a mother of 4.
I love being a mum, love family life. I don’t often get a break which is fine. But my other half’s hobby now takes up 48hours a week.
Leaves early hours Wednesday morning back late Thursday.
I wish he’d use that time to spend extra with me and the kids.
Am I being unfair?

OP posts:
NoBaggyPants · 02/07/2019 18:20

If he's taking these days as annual leave then presumably it's not every week?

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 02/07/2019 18:20

He takes two days off from work

Every week? He can't possibly take two days annual leave every week, surely?Please tell me he hasn't actually reduced his work hours to accommodate this nonsense??

Original poster
4ormore · 02/07/2019 18:20

I think that’s my real big bear, the selfishness.
And my expectations that he loves family life as much as me.

So I’m going to give you his defence when this topic is bought up.
“I woke really hard, I need time to relax, I pay for everything, it’s my hobby, I need time to myself”

I just never anticipated spending a night alone every week when we choose to have kids. I don’t think it’s normal.

OP posts:
NeatFreakMama · 02/07/2019 18:20

I don't think it's unreasonable to be honest, it's important to have lives outside of each other but that means you can do something too and leave him holding the fort?

InTheHeatofLisbon · 02/07/2019 18:21

Ugh 168 not 144.

But then he works 40 hours, is away 48 hours and presumably sleeps at some point? Even assuming 6 hours a night, that's still 130 hours a week. Does he shower/bath/eat? Travel time to work cuts it down too.

He's a lodger.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 02/07/2019 18:21

I'd really like to hear from the 7% of voters who thing OP is BU. Struggling to see how anyone could possibly think this set up is fair or reasonable Confused

Benes · 02/07/2019 18:21

I pay for everything
There's your real problem. He doesn't value what you do. He thinks he's more important because he earns the money.

AnonymousP · 02/07/2019 18:22

YANBU. I hate the “SAHP” card. Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it!

InTheHeatofLisbon · 02/07/2019 18:23

“I woke really hard, I need time to relax, I pay for everything, it’s my hobby, I need time to myself”

DP used to work full time, and not once ever did he throw the "I pay for everything" line at me. (For the record, I raise your kids single handedly might be a decent comeback next time).

All of the comment above could now apply to me, I work damn hard, I pay for everything, but you know what? I recognise that DP works hard at home too, and I wouldn't be so selfish and disrespectful.

HisBetterHalf · 02/07/2019 18:23

How often does he do this? I expected from the title to be about DP working away Shock

Original poster
4ormore · 02/07/2019 18:24

So he has his own business, with 3 employees that work while he takes the time off to fish.

OP posts:
IntoValhalla · 02/07/2019 18:24

A hobby?!!!
Yes I’d be pissed off!!

My DH does have to go away for work pretty often - anything ranging from a few days to a few months at a time. It’s his job, and yet I still irrationally resent that time away sometimes.
So yeah, your DH taking 48hrs a week for his “me time” is taking the piss spectacularly! Shock

swingofthings · 02/07/2019 18:24

It doesn't make sense. Are these his two days a week off, ie. Weekend ? He does it every week? So you and the kids only see him mornings before work and evenings? Something is very wrong if he's found something to do so that's he is never around his family more than a few hours at a time.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 02/07/2019 18:27

*So I’m going to give you his defence when this topic is bought up.
“I woke really hard, I need time to relax, I pay for everything, it’s my hobby, I need time to myself” *

You also work hard. You also need time to relax. You also need time to yourself. You are also entitled to a hobby. As for him "paying for everything", presumably that was a joint decision when you both decided you would be a SAHP. But if he values your contribution so little and thinks that he can do as he pleases because he's the one earning then personally I'd start looking for work myself. And once I was in a job i'd be asking him how he plans to facilitate my "time to myself" for 48 hours a week.

fotheringhay · 02/07/2019 18:27

Every major city should have a Kick Up The Arse machine where these selfish tosspots are sent if they are found >80% unreasonable

bingbongnoise · 02/07/2019 18:32

@4ormore

Of course YANBU. Funny how so many of these men seem to find 'hobbies' that take them away from home a lot - and all the responsibilities of having a family. Often an expensive hobby too! Imagine if a mother of one or more young children did the same?! Hmm

Won't be long before someone comes along singing his praises though, for being a hard-working family man who deserves a break, and goes on a rant about the 'poor iccle menz........' Hmm

Funny also that most of these same men, (who are constantly away from the house,) seem to want to spend all the time at home, getting under their wife's feet all the time, when the kids have left home. Wink

Original poster
4ormore · 02/07/2019 18:34

I don’t think he values what I do at all.
And I know you’ll understand how much goes into day life with kids, but to justify which I always feel the need to do, I literally do everything, the house is always immaculate, I cook 3 times a night to suit each time schedule, being such a age gap between children. I honestly put my everything into my family.
And I think I feel guilty because he does provide a good life for us all, and I understand that must be a lot of pressure on his part.
But I just don’t think now is the time for such a time consuming hobby.

OP posts:
InTheHeatofLisbon · 02/07/2019 18:37

And I think I feel guilty because he does provide a good life for us all

He could do that and be around to be a dad and a husband too?

Does he do laundry? Cook? Clean? Anything? School runs?

Ginger1982 · 02/07/2019 18:39

That's rubbish. My DH can be away up to 4 nights a week but he's, you know, working.

You DH is a twat.

MrsSpenserGregson · 02/07/2019 18:41

Tell the selfish twat that, if you were to split up, you'd be pushing for 50:50 custody (even if you wouldn't really). Watch the bugger's face blanche.

Original poster
4ormore · 02/07/2019 18:41

No nothing to do with housework,
School runs, doctors, dentist.

OP posts:
Hooferdoofer37 · 02/07/2019 18:42

Has he just taken up fishing after your 4th DC came along? Did he want 4 DC?

How many times a year do you go away for 48hours?

I think the old "if SAHP-ing alone is so easy you won't mind doing it whilst OP has time away / if SAHP-ing is so hard you can't do it alone don't expect OP to" argument needs to come out.

Wheresmrlion · 02/07/2019 18:43

Ridiculous. Once a month would be my level of acceptance. And I’ve got two not four.

He really does need to spend a decent amount of time on his own with all four kids without you there, it’s the only way he’ll have a clue what it’s like. Can you go away one weekend, leave early on Saturday and come back late Sunday? Have some much needed R and R for yourself and let him see how tidy he can keep the house while you’re away?

Don’t martyr yourself, you’re worth more.

Original poster
4ormore · 02/07/2019 18:46

Older two are from my previous relationship.
They were 6 and 7 when we met.
We then went on to have the younger two.
He didn’t start up fishing until the first was born, then became just a summer thing, then since DD was born it’s been regular with trips the France once a year for 8 days and occasional long weekends.

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 02/07/2019 18:46

Id be hightailing it back to work personally. Possibly even night shifts.