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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parent away 48hours a week

109 replies

4ormore · 02/07/2019 18:03

So I am a mother of 4.
I love being a mum, love family life. I don’t often get a break which is fine. But my other half’s hobby now takes up 48hours a week.
Leaves early hours Wednesday morning back late Thursday.
I wish he’d use that time to spend extra with me and the kids.
Am I being unfair?

OP posts:
shiningstar2 · 02/07/2019 18:49

That is not on. When I read your title I thought it would be about a one off 48 hour break away. I occasionally treat my daughter to a 48 hour mini spa break. She is a full time teacher and sole provider. She always feels a bit guilty going away and we are talking once a year max. Every week? No way. You need someone who is willing to co parent with you with the very rare break for each of you factored in.

EKGEMS · 02/07/2019 18:55

Holy shit! What a selfish and inconsiderate asshole! Does he ever offer you a break? No.fucking.way. How do you get to the point that you allow such a precedent to become a regular occurrence? If my DH even asked to do so I'd read him the riot act.

SilverySurfer · 02/07/2019 18:56

YANBU. Has he always been the same or did he only morph into a selfish arse after your fourth child?

What is stopping you giving him notice that you will be away for 48 hours? Personally, during that time I would be looking at what sort of job I could get. If you were working he would have to grow the fuck up and take his share of the responsibility for his children and as he is self employed, drop offs/pick ups should be a doddle for him.

exWifebeginsat40 · 02/07/2019 18:56

‘night fishing’ is really just a euphemism for ‘drinking heavily in a small tent next to a lake’ though, isn’t it.

fuck that noise. tell him to go and live in his stupid bivvy, if he loves it so much.

DarlingCoffee · 02/07/2019 19:09

I would not be happy with that at all. Is this a recent hobby?

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 02/07/2019 19:12

I’m sorry that’s stupidly excessively selfish. I’d probably be compiling a presentation on the topic of under appreciated outlining:

Financial: the costs of nanny / cleaners / chefs (amount being saved by you being home) vs your earning ability, and showing the added value you offer yourselves as a couple. But also outline the negative financial position you’ve put yourself in for the benefit of the family!

Time: the time you spend per day/ week on various tasks (pie chart) and have “free time” as a bold colour, vs his and next to each other the huge disparity.

Emotional: explain in bullet points the under appreciation, resentment and anger at his bloody selfishness and the realistic outcomes

Going forward: what you want the change to be. Ie one hour per evening support with dinner / bedtimes and 2 days per week off cooking. And every other week 6 hours on a Saturday to yourself or whatever it is you want to do.

My approach is probably very aggressive but my husband only understands black and white with reasons clearly outlined. So I often write things in bullet points and try to remain factual rather than emotional.

Might not work for you (or even anyone else) but it really works for us.

Newmumma83 · 02/07/2019 19:15

@4ormore if being a sahm doesn’t mean you need a break by the same definition spending that time with kids should put strain on him.

Alternatively he may need me time but not every week and you may need some me time ... it’s not fine to always go without ... once a month each of you is surely more fair x x

Cherrysoup · 02/07/2019 19:23

Every week? No fucking way! Get back to work, OP, then he can't do this any longer. How can he just offload his parental responsibility once a week?! Shocking.

Original poster
4ormore · 02/07/2019 19:26

I maybe go out for a few hours once a month at the moment. But to be honest it’s of a evening and the cocktail hangover isn’t worth the hardship of parenting the next day.

I think he manipulates the situation quite well and makes it not a big deal considering “I’d be at work both those days so it’s actually only one night away from home”

OP posts:
MolyHolyGuacamole · 02/07/2019 19:30

You sure he's fishing? Hmm

pastyballbag · 02/07/2019 19:31

Do you at least get nice fresh fish out of this arrangement? Even if he was bringing home 10 lobsters a week he’d still BU

Lazypuppy · 02/07/2019 19:31

@MinisterforCheekyFuckery

I'd really like to hear from the 7% of voters who thing OP is BU. Struggling to see how anyone could possibly think this set up is fair or reasonable

Its not really 48hrs. If he was home he'd be at work on the wednesday, then evening she is missing him but then they'd be asleep, dame for the thursday, so its really 1 evening of time together -doesn't seem a big deal to me

bridgetreilly · 02/07/2019 19:33

Well, you need a break too. So I'd be planning your 48 hours away from 6pm on Friday to 6pm on Sunday every week.

And then you can talk.

lovesawindyday · 02/07/2019 19:35

Come on now he's not fishing really???? 🤔

Parker231 · 02/07/2019 19:36

When do you do your hobbies, see your friends, evenings out? I’m assuming that your DH isn’t interested in his DC’s lives?

Original poster
4ormore · 02/07/2019 19:37

@Lazypuppy
That time could be better spent though, no?
With his children maybe?

OP posts:
Original poster
4ormore · 02/07/2019 19:38

My social life exists of play dates once a week with my friends and their children.

OP posts:
Lazypuppy · 02/07/2019 19:45

@4ormore
That time could be better spent though, no?
With his children maybe?

What time? 1 evening (wednesday)? That's what i mean, he would normally be at work in the day so its only 1 evening he's away for

Original poster
4ormore · 02/07/2019 19:47

Yes I get that, but if he can take two days off for fishing, could he not spend that time with his children rather then fishing?
Or at least alternate

OP posts:
iklboo · 02/07/2019 19:52

But he's not at work those days. He's taking days off and deliberately choosing to do something that doesn't include his family. You can't equate having to work those times with deciding to have a jolly.

Marmozet · 02/07/2019 19:52

How he is with you and the children? Sounds very absent.

Lazypuppy · 02/07/2019 19:54

Sounds like bliss to me, tv and bed to myself 1 night a week!

Surely he spends time as a family on the weekend?

Hithere12 · 02/07/2019 20:00

I don’t think he’s fishing. FaceTime him next time he’s “fishing”

AquaFaba · 02/07/2019 20:00

My OH also fishes and prior to us getting married went to Russia, Belize, Seychelles etc on extensive fishing expeditions. We also live by a river in the UK. It’s a big part of who he is, and I would never think for him to curb his passion...,but we do work with it and around it.

My advice would be for any foreign fishing trips combine it into a family holiday. I don’t fish (don’t have the patience!) but I’m quite happy for OH to spend a morning fishing for GT’s while I sunbathe. We have a toddler, so I get a babysitter and use the time for me to get some rest.
What’s good for the goose....

Original poster
4ormore · 02/07/2019 20:08

@AquaFaba

Does your other fish during the week?
Regular basis?
I understand it’s a time consuming hobby.
And I think if it was part of who he was when we met I’d have accepted it more.
But I just feel the kids are so young. They miss their dad albeit just 1 night

OP posts:
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