to say DH can't take up Golf yet?

[PulpHorn]

Sorry for long post!

Had a big argument last night and this morning. DH is a junior dr and next year will be taking an academic post so should have much more free time. He's decided he wants to buy a set of new golf clubs (using our savings). Second hand ones won't do as apparently they won't be the right height for him and good quality ones will be almost as expensive as buying new. He can't borrow the ones at the club as "nobody uses them and they're rubbish, discarded clubs".

I'm reticent as he has a habit of taking up hobbies, buying lots of expensive equipment then dropping them (photography, martial arts, carpentry etc). Also I was hoping his new job will mean spending more time with 2 yr old DD and helping around the house. It would also be a good time to think about TTC, we have no family nearby and it was really hard when DD first arrived.

I think it would be a bit of a risk spending £££ on golf clubs where we don't really have the space to keep them and he may not even keep up the golf playing. I'm happy for him to start in the future where we have more time and hopefully more space. He's not listening to my arguments and thinks I'm being controlling and not allowing him to enjoy his free time. Who is BU?

You are

You cant tell an adult what to do with their free time ffs

Its an expensive hobby. My boyfriend is thinking of stopping as he cant really justify the money and seems to have afllen out of love with it. Part of me is sad that he'll be under my feet at the weekend but the other part of me is thinking of the amount of holidays we will now be able to go on ;-)

Could he compromise and rent some? If he then keeps playing maybe buy some. I don't think you can tell him what he's allowed to do, but I defo appreciate your concern about him having form for expensive and short lived fads.

Is this a decision for next year? Or is he buying the clubs now?

You're being unreasonable
He's an adult and he's presumably spending his own money so its his choice

No way would i agree that savings could be used to buy golf clubs when he has form for dropping hobbies after buying all the equipment , he can wait and see if he's still keen next year, golf takes up a lot of time, so as long as he knows what ever time he gets to himself you do too.

Free time takes on a different meaning when there's young children and the activity involved costs a lot. This isn't a yoga class once a week is it? I know my husband and I would love to be doing all sorts of hobbies, but we have small children and that time will come. No, you can't tell someone what to do with their free time, but equally he can't tell you he's buggering off and leaving you with the child.

How often does he propose to go?

@userxx

Does your bf know hes an atm you dont like?

"You cant tell an adult what to do with their free time ffs"

Well, no, but she CAN insist that he does his fair share of housework and childcare etc. Is he going to be able to find the time to do so, if he is spending XYZ hours down the golf course? What about the OP's free time?

These people not roommates--they are supposed to be a team that is raising a family together.

My father made a specific point of NOT starting golf until his youngest child (me) turned 16, on the grounds that time consuming hobbies are not fair when you have got a young family--and my mother was a SAHM!

What's happened to expensive equipment from previously abandoned hobbies?

I'd be less concerned about the money (although that is an issue, given his form) but would be more worried about the time.

A round of golf can take as long as 4 hours - especially if you're a beginner/not very good - which is a big chunk out of a day, especially when you factor in travel to and from the club, having a drink/snack afterwards. It's the reason why DH and I played very rarely when we had small children. It just took up so much time out of our weekends.

Thanks for replies so far. I appreciate understanding his POV more.

Yes I definitely would appreciate more help at home, I pretty much do everything for house upkeep, work PT and have little free time to myself but I do try and go to the gym once a week in the evenings. I'd also love him to spend more time with DD as she's very much a mummy's girl.

It's family money from our savings, I'm more of a saver than he is. The other hobby related equipment is still around our house taking up lots of storage space :-)

OP - it's not "help" at home is it? It's called doing their fair share.

@ Shoxfordian

I said he could use his own money but he doesn't have anything left most months (we split bills and house expenses

Yes sorry I'd appreciate him doing his fair share!

Well I'd be telling my DH he can't take up golf. He isn't pissing off a full day every single weekend or everytime the sun shines. Golf is a selfish hobby.

Equally, he would not be happy if I decided to take up golf and piss off for a full day every weekend or everytime the sun shines.

Get him the new golf game on Xbox very realistic and free to download. Quite fun!!

The savings are as much his as they are yours so I think you're being unreasonable to not want him to use money that he has obviously worked hard for to spend on a hobby.

Being a junior doctor means his job is obviously very demanding and you can't blame him wanting to play golf out in the fresh air and enjoying other people's company.

He may not enjoy golf and not end up playing much but I still don't think you have any right to expect not to buy clubs and give it a go.

You come across as controlling and as someone who wants her own way.

A good set of clubs will be in the region of £800. But, that said, no one serious buys a complete set, they build them up over the years, using preference and experience. And golf is as expensive as you make it. Yes, DH plays at course like The Grange which approx £200 a round per person BUT these are corporate events, or freebies. He plays with his mates at council courses or they have unsociable t-off times. Its not unusual for him to be playing at 4am in summer, then go to work.

NHS workers often get reduced rates - eg Sunningdate is £230 per person per round, but emergency workers only get charged £95.

Golf is a passion, it's more than a sport.

Might change my name to 25YearsAGolfWidow

You cant tell an adult what to do with their free time ffs

Oh really? I’m pretty sure that my DH would have something to say about it if I prioritised an expensive way of socialising over time with him, caring for our children, doing my share of the housework.

If DH suddenly had to do fewer hours he’d be delighted he’d get to spend more time with us. I have 2 x 2 year olds and I would be bloody livid if DH spent significant time and money away from us, but then our lives are an exhausting hellscape right now so maybe people with one child / NT kids feel differently.

Mine plays golf 3/4 times a week. It takes 3 or 4 hours a round and it’s expensive. I don’t know what his membership costs as it’s his money but it’s not cheap. He’s off on a golf weekend soon which is £250 plus spending money. He usually does this several times a year plus there’s always a week long holiday abroad (every year) to play at different courses. He loves it and I (at best) tolerate it

If you can’t afford a set of golf clubs I am surprised you think you can afford another child.

I find your attitude very controlling but if, as you say, your DH is spending much time with your DD I would seriously put your plans to have another child on hold.

steph my DH also plays a lot of golf and it an expensive hobby but I love the fact that he’s got a hobby, meeting friends, keeping fit, fresh air etc etc. But I am not someone who needs to be entertained by my DH, I have plenty of hobbies and interests to fill my free time and I wouldn’t be impressed if my DH tried to ‘influence’ how I spent our money (totally shared finances) and used my time.

YANBU. Time and money are finite family resources and he is proposing to spend a disproportionate amount of both on himself without any consideration for the family.

I'd be asking him how often he plans on going, and for how long each time. Will you get an equal amount of time and money to fritter away?

I'd be suggesting that he try golfing with rented clubs to begin with. If he enjoys it and it fits in with your family life, then I would tell him he is welcome to sell all the expensive equipment sitting in your shed from his previously discarded hobbies, and use that money exclusively to fund a purchase of clubs.

Absolutely no touching the family savings to fund a solo hobby. How would be like it if you dipped into that fund to buy a handbag or something!

You cant tell an adult what to do with their free time

Yes you can when it impacts on the family. He can't just piss off golfing whenever he feels like it, leaving op at home with the child doing all the bloody housework. Partnerships don't work like that.

@PulpHorn, given you as a family don't have the money to spare I would not agree to it. Let him sell off all the other hobby related shit he's left lying around and then he can see if you both can afford to put the money towards golf clubs.

@araiwa It was meant as a joke....... do you do jokes? He is no ATM to me, i buy eveything myself thanks, house, car, holidays.