to say DH can't take up Golf yet?

[PulpHorn]

Sorry for long post!

Had a big argument last night and this morning. DH is a junior dr and next year will be taking an academic post so should have much more free time. He's decided he wants to buy a set of new golf clubs (using our savings). Second hand ones won't do as apparently they won't be the right height for him and good quality ones will be almost as expensive as buying new. He can't borrow the ones at the club as "nobody uses them and they're rubbish, discarded clubs".

I'm reticent as he has a habit of taking up hobbies, buying lots of expensive equipment then dropping them (photography, martial arts, carpentry etc). Also I was hoping his new job will mean spending more time with 2 yr old DD and helping around the house. It would also be a good time to think about TTC, we have no family nearby and it was really hard when DD first arrived.

I think it would be a bit of a risk spending £££ on golf clubs where we don't really have the space to keep them and he may not even keep up the golf playing. I'm happy for him to start in the future where we have more time and hopefully more space. He's not listening to my arguments and thinks I'm being controlling and not allowing him to enjoy his free time. Who is BU?

stephstrops I assume you don't have DC then? Otherwise your DH is being a prize cockwomble for opting out of family life and leaving you to pick up the slack.

If his other hobby stuff is laying around can't he sell that to put toward some new golf clubs. I think YABU to say he can't persue a hobby in his spare time but YANBU to say he has to consider how it impacts the family as a whole.

Thanks for all advice. It's really interesting.

It's not so much the money for the set, it's the risk of the big investment in case he doesn't end up playing much. Fab idea about selling other failed hobby equipment I love that

I think a good compromise might be to suggest we have an equal allowance of time and money for hobbies and see where we go from that. Renting clubs is also a good plan, I didn't know you could do that.

YABU. He can do what he wants.

But I am not someone who needs to be entertained by my DH,

Well, my concern is not that I want my husband around to "entertain" me, but that I would end up doing all the housework, childcare and general shithauling in the relationship,. Your post reads like that of a person who does not have dependent children!

No bloody way. Granted you can't actually tell him what hobbies he can have, but you can tell him he wont be off for hours every weekend ditching you with all the childcare and household duties and eating into family time. He can take up golf when the kids are older. Controlling my arse, you had a family together and that means time and money is prioritised to family time while the kids are small.

“Fabulous idea DH! I’ve been wanting to take up golf too - let’s go golf club shopping together. I think I’m going to need some really expensive ladies clubs. Oh, by the way, the ladies golf association play on a Saturday afternoon so I’m going to need that time at the club whilst you have DD.”

I think those you tell you are being unfair on him arent seeing that you do everything and save the money that he wants to then use (for what some notion that he is going to like and enjoy golf)

First off yes the equal time and money is definitely needed
Proportionate chores etc as well and childcare to hours needed

And then he needs to try it first - only an idiot (or child) would jump in head first without trying

and sell his previous stuff

I think a good compromise might be to suggest we have an equal allowance of time and money for hobbies and see where we go from that.

Personally I find this ridiculous. So you can't spontaneously do something because you've already done your 7 hours of yoga?

Whose hobby sets the precedent for money and time? What happens if there's a special event?

But I am not someone who needs to be entertained by my DH

🙄

I don’t need to be entertained by DH either. I need him to participate in parenting our children. This guy is a junior doctor, it’s not like he’s got heaps of time on his hands. He has a young daughter who needs his time and attention - he’s got the rest of his life to play bloody golf, his child will only be young once.

I'm sure other golf widows are silently laughing at renting golf clubs. A lot of them are custom made, weighed, the shafts re gripped to personal preference. You'd hardly see Tiger Woods stroll up to the Open and ask what on offer today. They are individual sports equipment.

Dr.s work long hours and need some downtime in a stressful job...especially junior doctors.

If taking the money from joint savings leaves a small amount, then YANBU.

I do think he needs to do a fair share of parenting, which doesn't mean 50/50, as he seems to be bringing in a higher amount of the income.

Don't get left with all the parenting.

I think it’s healthy to have different hobbies as a couple, however golf is expensive and time consuming.

I used to play golf before I became a mum, and once the dc are all older and busy doing their own teen thing I plan to go back to it. Couldn’t justify the time away right now.

Also I bought second hand clubs, they are fine for beginners. Especially if he has form for trying hobbies and dropping them.

It seems to be the sticking point that golf is difficult to get into without having your own personal clubs. How do people get started? Do they just buy one and accumulate?

It's more the time and storage aspect really. I work 3 days so happy to do more childcare and housework but I'd be very pleased if he did a bit. The demands of his current job mean that I find it acceptable for him to do very little around the house. Money wise I earn slightly more and I struggle to spend money on myself, not sure why! I want him to find something he enjoys but worried about the commitment

So you earn more and do all the housework and childcare and he feels you are being controlling

What do you do for you? What are your hobbies

And why is it that his first thought is about what he can do with his free time and not how he can help his wife who has supported him financially emotionally and with everything

Well I'd be telling my DH he can't take up golf. He isn't pissing off a full day every single weekend or everytime the sun shines. Golf is a selfish hobby.

comments like this are exactly why I'm single and perfectly happy to stay that way. I'd hate to have my life policed like that!

But yes, providing he doesn't use golf as an excuse not to do his share of household chores, I don't think you can dictate what he can and can't do with his time and money

I’m learning golf. I bought a very cheap set of Ladies’ Club off Amazon (around £200 all in including bag!) my very top drawer pro coach says they are fine for learning, and that buying custom fit should always be delayed, as a good fitter will analyse your swing, blah, blah, - and that wont be established as a beginner.
I agree he needs to do his fair share at home before committing a lot of time to golf, also he should be saving for the expenses rather than raiding joint savings.

YABU telling him what he can & can't do.
YANBU to expect him to pay for the clubs out of his own money. If he doens't have the cash he'll have to save. Also you should have the opportunity to have your own hobby/ free time that amounts to 4-5 hours on a particular day as that is what golf takes.

comments like this are exactly why I'm single and perfectly happy to stay that way. I'd hate to have my life policed like that!

It’s not about being single, it’s about having kids.

I don’t know a single woman who has a young child and then takes up a very time consuming and expensive hobby requiring entire days away from being a parent, alongside working very long hours.

I do know lots of men who think that they can opt into parenting for an hour here or there around work and whatever hobby they’ve decided is more important.

SinkGirl I agree parenting should be done by both parents equally and not all left to one. If they get equal hobby time though I don't see the issue.

Can he sell the other hobby related equipment and use it to rent clubs or at least go get lessons to even see if after that he's still keen? You do deserve to be able to pursue your own hobby as well

You'd hardly see Tiger Woods stroll up to the Open and ask what on offer today. They are individual sports equipment.

Er, he's not Tiger Woods though, is he? He's a total beginner. He may play a few games and decide it's not for him. He may turn out to be terrible at it. It makes zero sense to invest hundreds in kit before determining both those things.

I find it hard to believe he doesn't have a few mates of roughly the same height who have a reasonable set stuck in the cupboard that he could borrow to try out a few times. I think pretty much every MAMC bloke has been into golf at some stage.

Tiger Woods!!

@MyOpinionIsValid you don't need custom clubs for a beginner! OP's DH hasn't even developed his own technique/swing, how could he possibly choose appropriate custom clubs? 😂

You have my deepest sympathy, PulpHorn!

My DH was exactly the same when he was younger. He would take up expensive hobbies and then drop them after a short while. I have a load of hugely expensive photographic equipment, books, specialist lenses etc. Bought in the mid 80's, when we too had little to spare and which we would find extremely difficult to sell as everything is digital nowadays. 🙄. Thankfully, golf wasn't one of his short lived passions as his father was a mad keen golfer who used DH as his caddy when he was a child and put him off that for life. 😂

I think LightDrizzle makes an excellent suggestion with regards to the clubs but I suspect he is wanting to be seen as "Keeping up with the Jones's."

If he does decide to go ahead then I really think he needs to plan in time at home and especially spending time with your DD before pencilling in "Golfing time."

Good luck! IMO, YADNBU. Been there, done that and my DH now agrees he was a bit young and stupid before.

When my DS was younger and needed a parent around we were perfectly capable of organising our social lives so that we had plenty of time for hobbies and plenty of time for childcare, household stuff etc. DH would often play golf on a Sat afternoon and then I had my free time on Sundays when he took DS out to rugby etc. & I did my own thing. If anything I had more free time. I would not have tolerated someone telling me how to use my time.