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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say DH can't take up Golf yet?

99 replies

PulpHorn · 02/07/2019 12:48

Sorry for long post!

Had a big argument last night and this morning. DH is a junior dr and next year will be taking an academic post so should have much more free time. He's decided he wants to buy a set of new golf clubs (using our savings). Second hand ones won't do as apparently they won't be the right height for him and good quality ones will be almost as expensive as buying new. He can't borrow the ones at the club as "nobody uses them and they're rubbish, discarded clubs".

I'm reticent as he has a habit of taking up hobbies, buying lots of expensive equipment then dropping them (photography, martial arts, carpentry etc). Also I was hoping his new job will mean spending more time with 2 yr old DD and helping around the house. It would also be a good time to think about TTC, we have no family nearby and it was really hard when DD first arrived.

I think it would be a bit of a risk spending £££ on golf clubs where we don't really have the space to keep them and he may not even keep up the golf playing. I'm happy for him to start in the future where we have more time and hopefully more space. He's not listening to my arguments and thinks I'm being controlling and not allowing him to enjoy his free time. Who is BU?

OP posts:
Kittykatmacbill · 02/07/2019 18:41

There are still junior doctors who play golf? Wow. All four hospitals has worked in its been cycling mostly road cycling the from junior doctors thru to consultant. Off topic
I know.

NameChangeNugget · 02/07/2019 18:45

You need to cut him some slack and not try to control him

soulrunner · 02/07/2019 18:46

Ragwort But isn't that the point? It sounds as though the OP's DH doesn't actually pull his weight with childcare on his days off.

My DH can do what he wants with his spare time, but not at my expense (or at an unaffordable cost to our finances). If I want to do something expensive like an overseas race, I would check in with him, as would he with me, both from a childcare and a cost perspective.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 02/07/2019 18:47

He's an adult and he's presumably spending his own money so its his choice

Once you have children and a home together, how so people on here talk so much about their 'own' money? Sounds like he has form for taking up and discarding expensive hobbies with family money, I'd be annoyed too.

Hooferdoofer37 · 02/07/2019 19:18

Could you draw up a chart of a regular week, cross out the time that he's working, commuting & sleeping.

Also block out time for cleaning, spending time with your DC, spending time with you, cooking, washing, sex, ironing etc & then ask him where this golf time (plus travelling time there & back) will fit in?

What does he expect to be crossed out? Sleep? Work? Housework? Spending time with his DC? Sex with you?

When it's laid out in front of him it may be a lot harder for him to justify.

Equally, if he can fit it in, he also can't wriggle out of doing stuff like housework as he has shown you he has time for it.

Figmentofmyimagination · 02/07/2019 19:45

The cost of the clubs is the least of your worries with golf.

Original poster
PulpHorn · 02/07/2019 20:23

So many helpful suggestions thanks and great to hear from golfers/golf widows to get more info about it. Going to have another chat about it later

OP posts:
OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 02/07/2019 20:31

Mil offered to give dh golf club membership as a Christmas present, the year I was pregnant with our first dc. Before I could say, "wtf?" dh had effectively said it for me, by thanking her and saying he'd defer it for a few years until we were through the baby/young kids years, as he would be busy at weekends with the family. Instead, he kept up other, less time-consuming hobbies like squash, and would book courts mid-late evening after the kids were in bed.

BarbaraofSevillle · 02/07/2019 20:52

I said he could use his own money but he doesn't have anything left most months (we split bills and house expenses

How's he going to afford golf then, seeing as people are talking about the best part of a hundred quid a round, even with a substantial NHS discount and he won't look at basic or second hand clubs? I can't see him going to the council club either with that attitude.

^There are still junior doctors who play golf? Wow. All four hospitals has worked in its been cycling mostly road cycling the from junior doctors thru to consultant. Off topic
I know^

Ha ha, maybe the OPs DH is offering golf as a compromise to the OP 'at least it's not cycling. Because I'll then have to spend £5k on a road bike, another £1k on helmet, shoes and other high end accessories and I'll be off all day at the weekend and a few evenings in the week'.

So you can't spontaneously do something because you've already done your 7 hours of yoga

Seriously, what do you think are the odds of the OP clocking up 7 hours of personal time a week around work, childcare, housework etc etc especially when her DH monopolises all the free time for himself?

NauseousMum · 02/07/2019 21:48

Yanbu. Fair enough both of you enjoy hobbies and leisure time but right now you get less of that as you are working part time, doing most of the home stuff and the childcare.

My dh plays golf, he had since he was a child. Now we have a child as well as the housework to share he plays less golf. When we were a couple living apart, we had our own hobby time and both had every sunday to do our games. When we moved in that cut to once every 2 weeks and now its even less with a child. But we both get to enjoy and still share our lives and home stuff.

Your dh wants to monopolize any free time as his time rather then do his fair share and give you yours.

Whoops75 · 02/07/2019 21:58

My dh played a bit when we met, I said it was me or the golf.

Tell him to pick something that takes an hour twice a week.

Golf and family life are like oil and water.

Figmentofmyimagination · 02/07/2019 22:00

Most of the men in my DH’s golf club are divorced. Not sure which came first - the chicken or the egg.

LostInNorfolk · 02/07/2019 22:02

Golf! Is he 70

It is all about cycling these days- hence the decline of golf clubs.

BarbaraofSevillle · 02/07/2019 22:11

They've actually changed one of our local council golf clubs to a cycling facility. It's more mountain biking and jumps, rather than roads obviously, but all the same.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 02/07/2019 22:26

You cant tell an adult what to do with their free time

If her DH is monopolising the free time with his hobbies then he is, in effect, controlling what the OP can do with her time. He is working on the assumption that she will pick up all the childcare and household stuff.

roothyb · 02/07/2019 22:49

Give him the opportunity to try balance both. He might be very grateful and come back from golfing more chilled out, relaxed and more willing to help with things. If it were the other way around how would you feel, y'know?

imarocketman50 · 02/07/2019 22:52

My DH plays and we just agreed that as long as it didn't impact our joint finances and didn't take away from time spent together then he could do as he wished. We don't have children though.

I do enjoy a morning or afternoon to myself every weekend.

fotheringhay · 02/07/2019 22:56

Yet another man who's opting out of family life! Are they cloning them somewhere??!!!

roothyb · 02/07/2019 23:01

@fotheringhay calm down - the mans only expressed an interest in playing golf. He's hardly out spending savings in random bars and lads weekends away.

Alwaysgrey · 02/07/2019 23:08

I’d hold fire on ttc again. If he’s taking up a time consuming hobby where does that leave you and your dc? Yes everyone is entitled to downtime but both parties chose to have a child. Sadly child and family come before massive chunks of leisure time.

Notageek · 02/07/2019 23:16

Tbh the clubs are probably the least of the problem ..

  • joining fee for club membership is hundreds or thousands of pounds in the first year
  • membership - your Dh won’t want to invite Dr friends to the local municipal course. My DH pays £1200 pa for a mid range course 7 day membership. Why not look up the clubs his friends play at and see how much it costs as he won’t be able to play regularly as a guest
  • lessons - check the local course or driving range
  • balls - ridiculously expensive if he wants branded ones to go with his clubs £25-30 for 12 and they lose a lot
  • shoes, waterproofs, blah blah blah
AnotherEmma · 02/07/2019 23:25

"he has a habit of taking up hobbies, buying lots of expensive equipment then dropping them (photography, martial arts, carpentry etc)"

Well, he needs to sell all the unused equipment. And he needs to make an effort to get a decent price for all of it (selling on eBay with a proper listing, not just selling it for a low price with a half arsed listing on gumtree or FB marketplace).

There are bigger problems, though. You earn more, do the vast majority of childcare and housework, and you pay into the joint savings while he doesn't. You're investing money and effort into the family and he's not. He's focused on himself. What is he spending all his money on? Does he have hobbies that he actually does (as opposed to buying stuff then giving up)? Does he socialise a lot? Does he fritter it on coffees and lunches?

If I were you I would put savings into my own account and not the joint one. Have you checked the account statement to see how much he's put in compared to you? He would effectively be spending £800 of your savings contributions - meant for the whole family - on himself.

Are bills split 50/50?

msmith501 · 02/07/2019 23:37

In my experience, golf is less difficult to get into than it used to be ... in fact, most clubs I know are crying out for new members with all sorts of offers. Also, I have a handicap of 7 after nearly twenty years of slogging away in the driving range and in pouring rain etc. I have a really nice set of Calloway clubs circa £1K ish. I play no better with them than I do with my first set which were third hand and cost about £90. If he wants nice shines new clubs then that's a discussion for you both as long as no one is kidding the other. Truth is, unless you are a really top notch golfer with clubs that support your brilliant play, it makes very little difference. In fact... imagine you're having a crap day and yet turn up with clubs that suggest you're brilliant...!trust me, it's beyond awkward.

MatildaTheCat · 02/07/2019 23:55

DH loves his golf club and the members like another family. Every Sunday he leaves home around 8am and returns late afternoon. Often slightly worse for wear because the 19th hole is alive and well.

He will also play at virtually any other opportunity. I have told him that there is a line and he’s not far from crossing it. It’s an obsession. And expensive obviously. Not just clubs but club fees, clothing and numerous gadgets.

Beware.

Kokeshi123 · 03/07/2019 01:16

It seems to be that if golf is suffering a decline in membership and golf-as-it-is is not "meshing" very well with family life, especially in an age when women are less willing to just get dumped with all the household responsibilities, maybe golf needs to reinvent itself?

Perhaps golf needs to be different. Perhaps the game could be changed in ways that take up less space (like 20-20 cricket which was developed so that shorter games were possible), and part of golf club grounds could be turned over for other activities that families could enjoy. And perhaps scaled-down versions of golf that don't require all the equipment could be developed and golf courses could allow both, so that people have the choice of being "seriously" into golf, or just playing it in a fun way occasionally. Parents could take it in turns to play golf and to hang out with the kids while doing other forms of fun outdoor activities/exercise.

Thinking off the top of my head here. But there must be a way.

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