Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

to say DH can't take up Golf yet?

99 replies

PulpHorn · 02/07/2019 12:48

Sorry for long post!

Had a big argument last night and this morning. DH is a junior dr and next year will be taking an academic post so should have much more free time. He's decided he wants to buy a set of new golf clubs (using our savings). Second hand ones won't do as apparently they won't be the right height for him and good quality ones will be almost as expensive as buying new. He can't borrow the ones at the club as "nobody uses them and they're rubbish, discarded clubs".

I'm reticent as he has a habit of taking up hobbies, buying lots of expensive equipment then dropping them (photography, martial arts, carpentry etc). Also I was hoping his new job will mean spending more time with 2 yr old DD and helping around the house. It would also be a good time to think about TTC, we have no family nearby and it was really hard when DD first arrived.

I think it would be a bit of a risk spending £££ on golf clubs where we don't really have the space to keep them and he may not even keep up the golf playing. I'm happy for him to start in the future where we have more time and hopefully more space. He's not listening to my arguments and thinks I'm being controlling and not allowing him to enjoy his free time. Who is BU?

OP posts:

Oliversmumsarmy · 03/07/2019 01:20

Used to know a woman who sounds like your Dp

Her secret nickname was 6 week wonder.

Every new hobby would be started with such gusto.
She would see herself as Olympic standard snd it was going to be a hobby she would excel in. Everything had to be top quality. If memory serves me right I think she did take up golf at one point.
££££s and 6 weeks later the hobby equipment would be consigned to the spare room and a new hobby was the thing of the moment.

When she decided to get pregnant she wasn’t going to go back to work. She handed her notice in.
She was going to be an Earth Mother. The child would only eat organic produce and she would put all her efforts into raising them.

Company knew what she was like and got a temp in to do her job.

Exactly 6 weeks after giving birth she had moved her mother in to look after the baby and she was back behind her desk.

I think your Dp needs to really face up to his issues.

Maybe get all the discarded hobby equipment out and actually question him about why golf would be different to all the other hobbies he has spent £££s on.

Why this time it is different otherwise like the woman I knew he is going to bring a child into this world who he is going to quickly lose interest in.

soulrunner · 03/07/2019 06:50

In fact... imagine you're having a crap day and yet turn up with clubs that suggest you're brilliant...!trust me, it's beyond awkward

“All the gear and no idea” as we say in trail running.

GPatz · 03/07/2019 07:02

Geminijes It's also obvious that the OP works hard - she works PT, does the majority of the childcare and housework and earns more money. Should she not get a say in the savings?

GPatz · 03/07/2019 07:07

'He might be very grateful and come back from golfing more chilled out, relaxed and more willing to help with things'

Don't get into a situation where he will only do his fair share if he can play golf first.

BIWI · 03/07/2019 07:59

@roothyb

Give him the opportunity to try balance both. He might be very grateful and come back from golfing more chilled out, relaxed and more willing to help with things

Help? Help?! This is his own home and family we're talking about here - it's not about helping it's about doing his share. And when would the OP get time to do something that might make her more chilled out? WTAF.

herculepoirot2 · 03/07/2019 08:18

I can’t reply when people write “£££”.

BIWI · 03/07/2019 08:52

What was the point of that less-than-helpful post? @herculepoirot2

Tobebythesea · 03/07/2019 08:56

My DH plays golf and I hate it but it’s his ‘thing’. Travel and a game takes at least 7 hours. An hour gym class it is not. He plays 2 times a month. We have a 3 year old and just about to have another so this will cut down to 1 a month for the time being. As long as I get the same amount of time ‘off’ then it’s fair. It’s also ££. He pays £130 a month membership plus extras eg locker.

He should be buying the clubs out of his own money. That is not a joint expense!

My DH is also picky with equipment. Having said that, look at the amount of golf clubs at charity shops! Lots of people give up!

Tobebythesea · 03/07/2019 08:58

Oh, and he also moans for days afterwards about his back. That’s fun.

herculepoirot2 · 03/07/2019 08:59

BIWI

Sorry - didn’t realise I wasn’t allowed to say anything unless deemed helpful.

Nogoodusername · 03/07/2019 09:00

Not a chance would my DH even consider spending family savings on expensive equipment for HIS hobby. Crazy. Hobby falls strictly within our own personal disposable income. He’ll have to save up. Neither of us got back into time consuming hobbies until our children were school age either

roothyb · 03/07/2019 09:02

@BIWI the OP was the one that originally stated she'd like him to help around the house more. Assuming he already does some share? Look I'm just saying in life that sometimes you catch more flies with honey rather than vinegar. Like let him have his golf, I'm not saying every single weekend and all his spare time, but compromise and allow it like once or twice a month. I'd freak out if I was told NO to something by my OH. I'd resent him. He's not just gonna go out and start playing like 18 holes straight away, he'd probably have to hit the local driving range for an hour or so every week for a few months until he can actually swing a club. I'm just trying to play devils advocate here..works for me...

scaryteacher · 03/07/2019 09:18

I think pretty much every MAMC bloke has been into golf at some stage. Thankfully, not mine...but he does other things which takes him away for virtually every weekend in the summer, and most of his leave, and it has got a tad wearing at times.

OP YANBU. We are moving back to the UK in approx 3.5 months time. The only one doing any packing and sorting in the house is me. I have asked dh to sort his tools, the garage, his side of the attic, so I can start doing dump runs, and have an idea of how much we can take back in a van hire, and how much the movers will take back. He doesn't have to do it in the week, just at weekends. Last weekend it was too hot. This weekend, he wants to go off to pursue his hobby, which will be all bloody weekend.

It's not about being controlling, or telling another adult what to do, but looking at what needs to be done and doing it. When that's done, then the discussion can be had about golf or whatever it is.

I think what pisses me off is the assumption that their free time is worth more than yours, and that their free time has to be accommodated, whereas ours isn't.

Kokeshi123 · 03/07/2019 09:26

Now I want to know what MAMC stands for... I suspect it's not "Madigan Army Medical Center."

Kokeshi123 · 03/07/2019 09:28

Give him the opportunity to try balance both. He might be very grateful and come back from golfing more chilled out, relaxed and more willing to help with things

It's funny, nobody ever seems to think that women have to bribed with expensive hobbies to get us to "help" with housework and childcare? Rather, it's assumed to be all our responsibility all the time anyway, and we have to beg, plead and wheedle to get the guy to wash up a teaspoon once a month.

BarbaraofSevillle · 03/07/2019 09:29

My guess is middle age middle class although the OPs DH could be neither.

cheesytoasters · 03/07/2019 09:41

You cant tell an adult what to do with their free time ffs

You bloody well can when it means you won't get any free time at all and are juggling everything else single-handedly.

Gym one evening in the week is not even close to the amount of time golf takes.

I'd be showing DH the door if he was that selfish.

But thankfully he isn't and would just want to spend time with our dc when he's not working. Toddlers are hard work!

cheesytoasters · 03/07/2019 09:43

This thread is depressing....and I thought it was 20 fucking 19.

BarbaraofSevillle · 03/07/2019 09:46

You cant tell an adult what to do with their free time ffs

But it's not free time when there's childcare and housework that needs doing. The OP can't just go out and do her own thing for the entire day without making arrangements for DC, so neither can he.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/07/2019 09:48

YABU. He can do what he wants
And if op did that who would look after THEIR child and clean THEIR house.

OP I don't blame you. Luxury items should be for the family or come out of personal money.
He need to actually spend time with the child he helped create.id be wary of ttc when he's clearly not making an effort with the child he already has.

Oliversmumsarmy · 03/07/2019 09:58

You cant tell an adult what to do with their free time

You can if you can see it is going to
cost £££ (or for hercule that means hundreds of pounds) to buy all the best equipment, it is going to take up so much time you might as well be a single parent or just single and they, despite their protestations that it is the thing they are going to stick at cannot see there is a house full of their previous hobby equipment that at the time they felt the same way about.

I think it is rather akin to a child wanting to have the latest toy, phone, pair of trainers.

Most grow up and out of it but some live their lives jumping from one thing to another and leaving a bunch of stuff that someone else is responsible to clear up.

RebootYourEngine · 03/07/2019 10:04

Don't know why the OP is getting a hard time.

In a couple it shouldn't be one person telling the other what to do. It should be how you work equally as a couple and as parents if you have DC.

Original poster

PulpHorn · 03/07/2019 12:26

Agreed this episode has definitely made me wary of TTC again; also a realistic view of other golfing costs and the time commitment are putting things into perspective.

It's v unfair that my free time is something seen as less important within our current dynamic. Any tips how to change that?

If we didn't have a demanding toddler I wouldn't dream of telling him what he could do with his free time. It's this coupled with his job that makes me feel like I have a say. At the moment he's working 1 in 2 weekends and a streak of 4 night shifts every 10 days. Pretty much parenting by myself at the moment. He did medicine as a second degree, his previous career was well paid and much less hours so I feel a bit resentful deep down about that

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 03/07/2019 12:30

so in effect you have supported him financially and emotionally in changing career

Has your dynamic actually changed though or is it just more noticeable

Flip

1 2 3 4

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.