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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to give this woman a Look and a Word?

146 replies

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 01/07/2019 18:37

Yesterday, DW, DD and DGS (22mo) were in the supermarket when DGS wandered off. They began searching in a mad panic, and DD asked another shopper if she'd seen a little boy dressed in xxxx. This woman looked her up and down, sniffed and said "Young mothers! Huh!" DD, frightened and on the verge of tears told her to fuck off if she wasn't going to help. Now, judging DD is not the question. The question is: would I have been justified in asking this...person what her problem was, and would she like a bigger one?

He was found a minute later. Luckily someone who wasn't up their own arse had realised he'd bolted, and was chatting to him.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
jennymanara · 01/07/2019 19:09

The question is: would I have been justified in asking this...person what her problem was, and would she like a bigger one?

This sounds like a physical threat, so yes YABVVU. And if you hit me, I would call the police.

Missangrypants · 01/07/2019 19:09

Other woman in the wrong for comments to your DD.

DD in wrong for swearing.

IhateBoswell · 01/07/2019 19:12

Are you a man threatening to go and find this woman to give her a look and a word?
Sounds a bit.. Excessive Confused

SquishySquirmy · 01/07/2019 19:14

Eurgh.

I kind of want to give the woman a piece of my mind myself! Am angry on your daughter's behalf and I don't even know her! Grin

How much of a bitter, vindictive weirdo would you have to be for your first response to a missing toddler be "oh goody, a chance to be nasty and judgy to a young mum. She already looks distraught, an excellent opportunity to really twist the knife here!"

I'm an average aged mum, (and a bloody great one at that) Wink and I've lost DD in similar circumstances. She turned up again really soon but it was scary while she was gone... All the "what ifs" running through your head, and the guilt too. Don't know what I would have done if a stranger had been so nasty at the time... Maybe burst into tears, but tbh i think your daughter's response was better. Obviously a genteel yet withering put down would be better still, but who on earth reacts perfectly to antagonism in stressful situations? Your daughter's adrenaline would have been flowing and the woman was horrible, swearing is understandable.

Gatoadigrado · 01/07/2019 19:18

The woman sounds like a total arse. But so do you and your daughter. Your daughter told her to fuck off (personally I don’t think I’d waste my breath; my sole focus would be finding my child.) Now you’re posting to ask whether you would have been reasonable to threaten this woman. Seriously take a look at yourselves. You sound like a bunch of twats

BusySittingDown · 01/07/2019 19:19

Oh God, it's the worst feeling in the world!

I remember being in a supermarket paying for the shopping, DD2 (similar age to your DGS) right beside me. I looked back down and she was gone - not usually a bolter either! After, what felt like, an eternity of searching we found her at the front of the shop in the arms of the security guard.

That woman would have got a fuck off from me too!

LauderSyme · 01/07/2019 19:20

YWNBU to pull her up on her bigoted attitude. But YWBU to offer to give her a bigger problem, that sounds like threat. Unfortunately, despite being entirely understandable, your daughter's interaction with her will not have dented her prejudices.

TheInvestigator · 01/07/2019 19:22

My son bolted in the supermarket whilst I was putting washing powder into the trolley which needed 2 hands. I ran around the aisle after him and asked a member of staff if she saw which way he went and she replied “sorry, we don’t stock children hahahahaha”. I swore at her, and once I had my son, I made a bit of a scene about how she found it so funny. Completely understand your feelings on this!

TheInvestigator · 01/07/2019 19:24

Although threatening her is completely out of order and if I were her, I would have made quite a big deal about a man threatening to “give me a problem” which basically means you threatened to hit her. That’s really not OK.

Gatoadigrado · 01/07/2019 19:27

I would have told you to fuck right off if you threatened me OP.

(I wouldn’t have made the comment the woman did, she sounds horrible. I would have just replied to the question and offered to help look if I was able to do so, so maybe you wouldn’t have felt it necessary to issue threats. But my point stands: you and your daughter have not come out of this looking great, you sound like twats)

VampirateQueen · 01/07/2019 19:28

I would have told her to fuck off too OP. For those saying by swearing she has already lost the argument blah blah blah the OP's DD wasn't exactly thinking, when a child bolts like that, you go into panic mode and to stand and argue the point is not going to help her find her son.
My DD has done this before when she was younger, luckily for me I shouted her name once in panic and a lovely woman said she is round there. She also did it recently while shopping with my DM and DF, me and DM had left her with my DF whilst we went to grab something, he knew she was with him, but when he came back to us she had gone, we found her at the toys.

jennymanara · 01/07/2019 19:31

I am not sure I believe you when you say that this woman said anything about young mums. I think she looked at you and you and your DD interpreted the look that way.

Honeyroar · 01/07/2019 19:31

I think I'd have given her a sarcastic "thank you SOOO much for your help and concern, you're a salt of the earth". She was heartless and rude.

The mother was rude too, but more justified as probably panicking.

To have searched out the woman to be passive aggressive towards her AFTER the event would perhaps make you the weirdest of all.

GabsAlot · 01/07/2019 19:35

Were you even there? of course it was unnecessary comment when a child is missing but you cant go round threatening people either

LegionOfDoom · 01/07/2019 19:37

Gosh I though I’d lost one of my twins at the park once. He was hiding behind a tree because he thought we were playing hide and seek and didn’t come out when I called him. It was only a couple of minutes but honestly, I acted like a crazy person. The panic and dread I felt was like nothing else. I was literally screaming his name while everyone was staring at me. Tbh, I’d probably of done the same in your shoes. What an awful way to kick someone while they’re down

Original poster
DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 01/07/2019 19:37

Mm. This not about what I would have done, but what I felt like doing. Someone decided that rather than help, they would hoick their judgey pants. Had I actually been there, I would have just said "Small boy, blonde, dressed thusly. You head that way. Please". Personal isn't the same as important. Even a muttered excuse would have done.

Reins haven't been an issue since New Year. Normally he's really good at staying within 6 feet or so. He doesn't pat random dogs, or eat gravel, or lick cars.

OP posts:
EarlGreyOfTwinings · 01/07/2019 19:38

Both rude

but I would have been to busy looking for the child to waste time discussing that woman unpleasant behaviour with her. Completely ridiculous to start an argument with someone instead of carrying on searching for the child, all 3 adults of you!

You might feel guilty, but no need to take it on others.

EarlGreyOfTwinings · 01/07/2019 19:39

He doesn't pat random dogs, or eat gravel, or lick cars.

Confused

when was that ever an issue in a supermarket?

Gatoadigrado · 01/07/2019 19:39

‘ He doesn't pat random dogs, or eat gravel, or lick cars.’
Hmm
Yeah, you’re still not selling yourself here

LillithsFamiliar · 01/07/2019 19:40

Of course you would have been UR to threaten a stranger. The woman was rude. Your daughter was rude and yy I have had a child wander off. My reaction wasn't to waste time swearing at people who hadn't seen him.

jennymanara · 01/07/2019 19:40

We all feel like doing things we don't because we know it would be wrong to do so.

DameFanny · 01/07/2019 19:41

jennymanara
I am not sure I believe you when you say that this woman said anything about young mums. I think she looked at you and you and your DD interpreted the look that way

Disgrace is a long standing poster, I'd take his word over yours

SpoilsburyToastGirl
in my opinion if you resort to swearing at someone like that then you've already lost the argument

If that's your attitude - if hearing 'fuck' is so shocking to you that you won't give the utterer any attention or credence, then there's clearly very little point in talking to you. Why are you here?

OP, the woman must have been some kind of sociopath to have that little empathy.

Likethebattle · 01/07/2019 19:42

I wouldn’t give it headspace, she was a dick. My friend had an old woman barge her pushchair out of the way when boarding a bus as the woman thought she should get on first despite the queue. My friend said ‘woah be careful, I was first!’ And got hit with ‘you young mothers dropping your knickers to have a kiddie that us taxpayers support is a disgrace!’ My friend looked her up and down and said ‘i’m 32, have been married for 5 years and i’m on my way to the childminders to drop my son off so I can go to work to earn money and pay tax for pensioners to get free bus travel!’ It wasn’t true, she was 28 and a single mother (she was going to work though) but wanted to take the wind out off the old trouts sail!

Original poster
DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 01/07/2019 19:42

Update: just found out why he vanished. He saw a little girl wearing a sparkly unicorn top and followed her. He does like bling, bless him.

OP posts:
EarlGreyOfTwinings · 01/07/2019 19:45

Likethebattle
your friend sounds like a right idiot.