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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

More of a WWYD - flirtatious texts from a colleague

93 replies

smokeytoby · 01/07/2019 15:05

Hi all - difficult one here and not sure how to put a stop to it. Going to be a bit vague as defo don't want to be outed.

Started a new job 3 months ago, and absolutely love the job but I am very new to the profession so am working my hardest to impress the bosses, make a good impression and such.

We have a different professional who my company works alongside, and we refer clients to each other if need be - he often holds his meetings in our workplace's meeting rooms. I am early twenties and he must be at-least forty.

On my first day meeting him, he introduced himself, gave me his business card and asked me to text him with a "hello" so he had my number for if he needed to refer a client to me as he is often out of the office and uses his mobile. Thought it was a bit forward, but wanted to get off on the best foot possible with all of my colleagues, so sent the "hello" text.

Now he texts me almost daily, asking how my day has been, talking about his life, asking about mine. I have made it clear I have a boyfriend, and have also make it clear that I know he has a girlfriend (a quick FB stalk showed me this).

I don't want to talk to him regularly as it is too personal and makes me feel uncomfortable, I want a work relationship only and when he does text me I just reply politely without asking leading questions. He is very persistent and has called me a couple of times too in the evenings to "chat". One time I answered and said it wasn't a good time, another time I just let it ring through and didn't answer. He has asked me out to lunch on more than one occasion and I politely declined both times, stating that I would like the relationship to remain in work only, and that my boyfriend would not be happy either.

If it was anyone else, I would just tell them to back off and leave me alone, however he is very influential in the firm and I am worried that if I appear rude or annoy him by telling him to stop texting me, he may cause problems for me at work. I have finally got myself into the career of my dreams, desperate to progress as far as possible and it just worries me that if I turn around and politely tell him to fuck off, he could do any number of things to make my career difficult. Our company isn't very big, and all of the partners sing his praises and I wouldn't feel comfortable going to them with a complaint about him as I have only been working here for a couple of months.

For now, I have just stopped replying to his messages but he often just sends follow up texts.

What would you do?

OP posts:
MyOpinionIsValid · 01/07/2019 15:12

I'd block his number , thats what I'd do

Talk to one of the other ladies, on the quiet, you'll probably find he has a reputation for this sort of thing, and he's not as nice as he makes out he is.

Do you have a line manager? Or HR department?

smokeytoby · 01/07/2019 15:16

I do have a line manager, who I told about him asking me out to lunch just to test the waters and see what she thought about the whole situation. She laughed it off and told me to "be careful", but she would be the one I went to if I needed to speak to anyone about it at work.

I just am wondering if I am overreacting?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 01/07/2019 15:18

No, of course you're not over-reacting. He is harassing you - testing the waters. Speak to your line manager. The fact she said "be careful" sounds like she's got him sussed.

PicsInRed · 01/07/2019 15:21

I reckon he had you text him "hello" so he could claim you pursued him if you complained about him. If that is true, this would mean hes had complaints before, has form and continues with the harassing behaviour nevertheless. You managers reaction would seem to suggest he had some sort of form...for something.

Be very wary.

MyOpinionIsValid · 01/07/2019 15:25

You arent over reacting.

He is texting you inappropriately - yes I know its all 'innocent' how are you etc, this is classic grooming. He's stepped up to texting you at home - totally over stepping boundaries.

A quiet word with your line manager - "be careful" - shes knows exactly what he is like.

HighlyUnlikely · 01/07/2019 15:26

Block him. If he needs to contact you via his mobile, he can call the office landline to speak about work. He sounds like an absolute pest. Is it expected that you should answer your phone about work in the evenings anyway?

MyOpinionIsValid · 01/07/2019 15:28

and that my boyfriend would not be happy either.

Dont ever hide behind the boyfriend (fictional or otherwise) because this creates the illusion you might be interested if circumstances were different eg my partner doesnt like it, but... you have to be straight up with the no thanks you remind me of my Dad Grin

Al203 · 01/07/2019 15:30

Talk to the senior partner, follow it up with an email.

smokeytoby · 01/07/2019 15:30

I'm glad people are confirming my suspicions.

I don't have any other colleague's phone numbers, it is a 9am-5.30pm, 5 day a week office job, and when I am at home, that is home time. That's why I am so uncomfortable with him texting me in the evenings and weekends, plus more importantly than anything, I am worried that my boyfriend may think that there is "something" going on between us. I have shown him the texts, and also my replies declining his invites to lunch, but I am just really looking for a polite way to reply to his text saying "stop texting me", without annoying him.

Gosh I sound so naive, I have ALWAYS been so good with men and telling them "no" if I am not interested, I have always been assertive, but for some reason this has had me feeling really nervous where I would never have been before. I just don't want anything I do to negatively impact my career.

OP posts:
karala · 01/07/2019 15:31

this is sexual harassment - he's bothering you and you end up being the one who is worried about your role and whether or not you'll be the one to suffer. I'm in my 60s now and thought we'd left this shit behind a long time ago.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Make sure you only communicate about business and stop answering his personal texts and don't delete any of them in case he does further arsehole behaviour.

smokeytoby · 01/07/2019 15:31

@MyOpinionIsValid He does remind me of my Dad! It's awful haha!

OP posts:
Coralfish · 01/07/2019 15:33

Part of the definition of sexual harassment is someone overstepping work boundaries in a way that makes the other person feel uncomfortable. This is a textbook example of this. Talk to your line manager ASAP.

Whoops75 · 01/07/2019 15:35

He’s got some nerve, what an asshole.

Unfortunately these creeps are left alone in smaller organizations.

You are doing nothing wrong by ignoring him outside work hours and for non work correspondence.

Could you block his number and use e-mail instead where you could cc your line manager?

MyOpinionIsValid · 01/07/2019 15:36

At the moment he is trying to wear you down. I would block the number

But please go to your manager - you wont be the first employee he's driven off through persistent harassment and HR will get pissed off with the constant recruitment and associated training costs

smokeytoby · 01/07/2019 15:36

I could certainly just correspond via email.

I am just wondering if before blocking his number, I should send a "from now on, I think it is best we correspond via work email only" text to him, just so he knows I don't want him contacting me out of work hours?

OP posts:
smokeytoby · 01/07/2019 15:37

@MyOpinionIsValid I will defo go to HR, I am glad that I am not overreacting about this, my gut instinct told me this wasn't right.

OP posts:
gokartdillydilly · 01/07/2019 15:38

Bloody sex pests in the workplace Angry. What makes old codgers think that it's OK to overstep boundaries and pester anything with a pulse (no offence OP!). Makes me bloody sick that in 2019 we are still seeing examples of sexist behaviour from people who should know better.
OP, while you're trying to come up with ways to avoid this annoying and threatening behaviour, do keep notes and evidence of every instance of harrassment and your subsequent response (or no response). You may need this evidence to back you up if ever it all conspires against you. Also please inform your line manager that you are feeling harrassed by this man and that you are keeping a log of all instances. Keep a note of this too!
And hey sex pests - take the hint! That lovely young woman doesn't fancy you!

Andylion · 01/07/2019 15:41

I do have a line manager, who I told about him asking me out to lunch just to test the waters and see what she thought about the whole situation. She laughed it off and told me to "be careful", but she would be the one I went to if I needed to speak to anyone about it at work.

But, even though you were testing the waters, you were speaking to her about it. And she laughed it off? Hmm

gokartdillydilly · 01/07/2019 15:41

@smokeytoby You have HR - please put it into writing to the HR department (and copy in your line manager) that you need help handling this situation. Can they also perhaps provide you with a work mobile phone? I hope you get it sorted as you sound like you really enjoy your job (if it wasn't for this dickhead) x

Batqueen · 01/07/2019 15:43

Op, there is nothing wrong with sending him that text telling him you only wish to correspond via text but ensure your line manager/HR are aware so if he treats you negatively as a consequence or ignores your boundaries you have support for a grievance.

He won’t be able to argue that he made a mistake as you have made your boundaries are very clear and this backs it up with written evidence.

Batqueen · 01/07/2019 15:44

Sorry I meant you only wish to correspond via EMAIL

smokeytoby · 01/07/2019 15:44

I absolutely love my job, I have worked so hard to get here and it is the first step in my career, that is why I am so cautious about saying anything to anyone about him which might damage my chances. I know it is the wrong way to look at it and thanks to this thread I will now be blocking his number, taking it to HR and mentioning it to my line manager again. She did laugh it off the first time, but I don't think she understood the seriousness of what I was saying.

OP posts:
MyOpinionIsValid · 01/07/2019 15:45

Op, there is nothing wrong with sending him that text telling him you only wish to correspond via text but ensure your line manager/HR are aware so if he treats you negatively as a consequence or ignores your boundaries you have support for a grievance.

No! dont text - email the same comment and CC in your line manager. That way all your bases are covered.

Whoops75 · 01/07/2019 15:47

Tell your line manager what you are going to do as she will be cc’d on the mail.

I would begin the e-mail chain saying
‘ hello my phone is giving trouble and they ye can contact you for all things work related at e-mail.

Then block his number, he will think it’s your phone.

Definitely go further if you feel it’s necessary, good luck.

YesQueen · 01/07/2019 15:47

Definitely block. Me and my colleagues are all possibly inappropriate sometimes but it's out in the open and I chat regularly via FB to my male (married/engaged) colleagues but it's equal between us and nothing sexual/inappropriate in it at all