More of a WWYD - flirtatious texts from a colleague

[smokeytoby]

Hi all - difficult one here and not sure how to put a stop to it. Going to be a bit vague as defo don't want to be outed.

Started a new job 3 months ago, and absolutely love the job but I am very new to the profession so am working my hardest to impress the bosses, make a good impression and such.

We have a different professional who my company works alongside, and we refer clients to each other if need be - he often holds his meetings in our workplace's meeting rooms. I am early twenties and he must be at-least forty.

On my first day meeting him, he introduced himself, gave me his business card and asked me to text him with a "hello" so he had my number for if he needed to refer a client to me as he is often out of the office and uses his mobile. Thought it was a bit forward, but wanted to get off on the best foot possible with all of my colleagues, so sent the "hello" text.

Now he texts me almost daily, asking how my day has been, talking about his life, asking about mine. I have made it clear I have a boyfriend, and have also make it clear that I know he has a girlfriend (a quick FB stalk showed me this).

I don't want to talk to him regularly as it is too personal and makes me feel uncomfortable, I want a work relationship only and when he does text me I just reply politely without asking leading questions. He is very persistent and has called me a couple of times too in the evenings to "chat". One time I answered and said it wasn't a good time, another time I just let it ring through and didn't answer. He has asked me out to lunch on more than one occasion and I politely declined both times, stating that I would like the relationship to remain in work only, and that my boyfriend would not be happy either.

If it was anyone else, I would just tell them to back off and leave me alone, however he is very influential in the firm and I am worried that if I appear rude or annoy him by telling him to stop texting me, he may cause problems for me at work. I have finally got myself into the career of my dreams, desperate to progress as far as possible and it just worries me that if I turn around and politely tell him to fuck off, he could do any number of things to make my career difficult. Our company isn't very big, and all of the partners sing his praises and I wouldn't feel comfortable going to them with a complaint about him as I have only been working here for a couple of months.

For now, I have just stopped replying to his messages but he often just sends follow up texts.

What would you do?

He sounds like an entitled arse. Why do old gits think that a young woman would be interested? Grim.

I don't think they care whether or not the women are interested. He knows he has a hold over the OP because he's in a position of power over her at work. He knows he can use this to get what he wants. In fact, her not being interested is probably part of the appeal. He's forcing himself on her and it's partly the power over someone who would otherwise never be interested in him that gives him a kick. It is indeed grim and there's no way this should still be happening.

I'm sure you all understand how silly I feel, I am quite mature for my age and feel ridiculous "pussy-footing" around a bloke, I thought I had left this all behind me in my early schooldays.

This has given me a lot to think about in terms of options and what to do next, so thank you.

I agree with supergirlthesecond

I am also the youngest person in the whole firm by atleast 20-25 years, if that makes any difference.

No smokey it should not make an iota of differnce at all. Your there to do your job not be harrased at all.

Welcome to the wonderful world of work, where sadly as a young twentysomething you often run into middle-aged men just dying to "mentor" you as an excuse for sleazing on you. It's unfair and it sucks.

Youve had great advice here. Document his harassment, get advice from the Union and if you think you can trust your line manager, quietly brief her on what is going on. I would probably go down the route of blocking him and saying via email that you think you should communicate that way, since it sounds like he hasn't really sent you any legitimately work related messages anyway.

Have you tried actually just putting him off a bit.
Like talking about how amazing your bf is and how in love you areor even when he says something responding with somethings along the lines of "awww that's so cute, you remind me so much of my dad" (or grandad if you want to be mean.)
It's maybe not ultra professional but he just get the message that way.
Might be a way to put him off without going formal

Agreed - textbook harassment

It's not flirty behaviour, it's predatory and will escalate

Been there, got the t-shirt

Make a diary note of each and every incident and do not delete his messages. You may need them in the future

Good luck and I hope you get it sorted

Maybe you could also make your WhatsApp profile a picture of you and your boyfriend (if WhatsApp is how he contacts you) might be a hint to back off.

Have you tried actually just putting him off a bit. Like talking about how amazing your bf is and how in love you areor even when he says something responding with somethings along the lines of "awww that's so cute, you remind me so much of my dad" (or grandad if you want to be mean.)

I really wouldn't. It muddies the boundaries which is exactly what you want to avoid, and with a lot of men it would simply encourage him because you're crossing the professional boundary and discussing your personal life with him. And if he does retaliate professionally, it will put you in a much weaker position because he'll have material to show the OP has "encouraged" a "friendly" relationship. Professional and firm is the way to go.

May I suggest a few books to read OP?

The gift of fear Gavin deBecker
And
A woman in your own right Anne Dickson

Both deal with assertiveness and how to deal with unwanted attention. I think they should be mandatory reading for everyone before they leave school!
Your age is irrelevant, you're employed to do a job, and you should be allowed to do it without harassment, bullying, or fear of reprisal.
Whatever you decide to do, make sure you're covered, and remember when you're feeling intimidated that you've always got support here. Most of us have been through something like this at some point, sadly

I wouldn't have your boyfriend say you can't talk as you're in the shower as he'll probably like that and it also sounds like you'd take his call if only you weren't busy.

Seriously, men like this don't take hints. He's not a gawky lad with a crush. He's a predator. You don't get rid of a predator with hints and soft nos. You get rid of a predator by showing him you aren't weak. And that means not giving any response to anything that's not strictly professional, because any response is an opening for him to pry open.

Block him and play dumb if he complains.
If you feel you can't, stay unchatty.
(Don't get your boyfriend to mention anything about you being in the shower, this creep doesn't need extra thrills).

An older, senior colleagueon my section once told me it was no use flirting with him, he was happily married and immune to my charms.
I wasn't flirting and to this day don't know what provoked that comment.
After I got engaged he got nastier. A female colleague on the same pay grade as him got wind of this and overnight he dropped the bullying but until he retired, he made every encounter unpleasant. Warped!

@smokeytoby

You said...

I'm sure you all understand how silly I feel, I am quite mature for my age and feel ridiculous "pussy-footing" around a bloke, I thought I had left this all behind me in my early schooldays.

Please don't start undermining yourself. He has created a problem
Work are not satisfactorily nipping it in the bud. An ideal place would not allow creeps like him to start this kind of nonsense in the first place however, it happens as we all know. there was a dangerous atmosphere in the past where women were isolated and felt that somehow they had brought this on themselves and therefore it only happened to certain women. Now, we know that is b***ks, it is all about the man and not the woman. You are not silly but you will have to start thinking about a strategy. You could also start asking if this organization is as great as you thought it might be if it employs guys like him.

Also, I would keep a very close focus on your work and what you have to do. Don't let him distract you from this - you might be more valuable to the company than him and he might not be as indispensable as you think. Perhaps he knows they want him out and he is killing time 'til then? Who knows?

Best of luck xxx and remember, they employed you and you have value. To other companies, aswell....

Super girls idea is not good, makes you look an idiot. Don't use your phone to call or text him, don't answer him. Block if possible. If he asks just say he can email you at and about work only. Keep the evidence in case you need it. You can email and cc your manager and hr if you want. Join the union which is recognised in the workplace, or appropriate for your career. Be direct but not rude. If he escalates get support and complain.

I’d be mindful of PP advice re HR. Yes they’re there to protect the company, but from risk, not to the detriment of their employees!

You always get HR bashing and that is perhaps down to two things: firstly, people not knowing what HR do (we aren’t all the same) and secondly, there will undoubtedly be poor HR professionals, but there are also some amazingly competent ones who work in forward thinking organisations - This includes ensuring that employees are managed appropriately and not subject to behaviour such as this.

It would be a risk to your employer and the third party this guy works for not to manage this situation properly - cases like this can be expensive to resolve and cause reputational damage. HR are there to guide managers not to engage in action like this and where it is found it has happened, HR should advise on the options available for the company to consider - they will also take into consideration your length of service as this unfortunately reduces the risk in the event you’re dismissed (potential unfair dismissal claim) or leave and cite constructive dismissal, unless it can be shown that dismissal was discriminatory your length of service won’t matter.

I'm not an HR basher, I've just come out of a role in HR where I've worked for the last 4 years. The HR manager was appalling, indiscrete, no boundaries, shouted at people and then lied about it. She also falsified intwrview notes. And a bully basically, unless you were her friend.
I don't doubt that there are good HR depts within some companies, but it's not a given.
Also, bearing in mind that op has already raised this and was advised to be careful. It doesn't bode well.

I like the idea of printing out the texts.
You could use it as a starting point for discussion with HR.
As in 'I, perhaps wrongly, was under the impression that a work mobile was not necessary in this role but as these frequent communications from creepy senior demonstrate (drop portfolio on desk) I perhaps may be incorrect?'
You could then add that out of hours communication from work colleagues could be added into your TOIL, but you would prefer to keep discussions within work hours and confined to email (and archived!) if at all possible.