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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

More of a WWYD - flirtatious texts from a colleague

93 replies

smokeytoby · 01/07/2019 15:05

Hi all - difficult one here and not sure how to put a stop to it. Going to be a bit vague as defo don't want to be outed.

Started a new job 3 months ago, and absolutely love the job but I am very new to the profession so am working my hardest to impress the bosses, make a good impression and such.

We have a different professional who my company works alongside, and we refer clients to each other if need be - he often holds his meetings in our workplace's meeting rooms. I am early twenties and he must be at-least forty.

On my first day meeting him, he introduced himself, gave me his business card and asked me to text him with a "hello" so he had my number for if he needed to refer a client to me as he is often out of the office and uses his mobile. Thought it was a bit forward, but wanted to get off on the best foot possible with all of my colleagues, so sent the "hello" text.

Now he texts me almost daily, asking how my day has been, talking about his life, asking about mine. I have made it clear I have a boyfriend, and have also make it clear that I know he has a girlfriend (a quick FB stalk showed me this).

I don't want to talk to him regularly as it is too personal and makes me feel uncomfortable, I want a work relationship only and when he does text me I just reply politely without asking leading questions. He is very persistent and has called me a couple of times too in the evenings to "chat". One time I answered and said it wasn't a good time, another time I just let it ring through and didn't answer. He has asked me out to lunch on more than one occasion and I politely declined both times, stating that I would like the relationship to remain in work only, and that my boyfriend would not be happy either.

If it was anyone else, I would just tell them to back off and leave me alone, however he is very influential in the firm and I am worried that if I appear rude or annoy him by telling him to stop texting me, he may cause problems for me at work. I have finally got myself into the career of my dreams, desperate to progress as far as possible and it just worries me that if I turn around and politely tell him to fuck off, he could do any number of things to make my career difficult. Our company isn't very big, and all of the partners sing his praises and I wouldn't feel comfortable going to them with a complaint about him as I have only been working here for a couple of months.

For now, I have just stopped replying to his messages but he often just sends follow up texts.

What would you do?

OP posts:

loobyloo1234 · 01/07/2019 15:47

Block his number OP. You don't owe him anything. If he mentions anything, say you changed your number and no he cannot have the new one

daphine2004 · 01/07/2019 15:54

I might have missed this, but was the number your personal one or work? If it’s your work phone, just turn it off in the evening and only respond to work related messages during working hours if he does contact.

If it’s your personal number, I’d be tempted to block him (including WhatsApp and ensure your Facebook is private if you have an account) and as a PP suggested any referrals made via email.

TixieLix · 01/07/2019 15:54

I would speak as soon as possible to your line manager or HR in a formal meeting and tell them this individual is making you feel very uncomfortable and you need their help in dealing with it. Show them the texts that he has sent and your responses so that it is all documented. I would ask their advice on sending a 'please don't text me' text before doing it as they may have another process they'd prefer to follow to address this. Don't be fobbed off with 'just be careful' messages. Be firm and say you need this to stop urgently as it is causing you distress.

Original poster

smokeytoby · 01/07/2019 15:55

Thank you all so much for the advice.

Just to be clear, it is my personal mobile he is texting.

OP posts:

SunniDay · 01/07/2019 15:56

Hi OP,
You absolutely should not have to put up with this but in the real world like you I worry that if you complain (because he is very senior) it might be you that is sidelined.

I know it is a drag but I think what I would do is get a new phone number and let all your personal contacts know it. Either keep the old phone number just for work (minimal cost if you movr it to a pay as you go sim e.g. three mobile the credit doesn't expire as long as you send a text every few months) or another new number which the senior guy could have (and everyone at work) but treat it as a work phone and turn it on and off as you arrive and leave work. If he passes comment that you didnt reply etc just tell him you switch your work phone off after work.

In case your manager does need to get hold of you out of hours make sure she has your landline number if you have one but don't give anyone at work your new personal number.

sandragreen · 01/07/2019 16:00

Block him and inform boss you have had to do so.

MsMaisel · 01/07/2019 16:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 01/07/2019 16:06

Why do you not have a work phone?

Get a work phone, only use that number for colleagues texts and whatsapps.

Block him on your personal phone.

Original poster

smokeytoby · 01/07/2019 16:07

Honestly that's the thing, I am so nervous that by rejecting his advances it will impact negatively on a career I love so much.

I think the first step will be to ignore all future texts/calls, and say that I got a new number if he questions me on it at work. If he asks for my new number, I'll say I would prefer for him to contact me on the work's email system. He should not, as a professional, have any reason to object.

Thank you once again.

OP posts:

Original poster

smokeytoby · 01/07/2019 16:08

I don't have a work phone because I have no need for one. I don't think I should have to invest in a new phone for him to text me on, I have no communication with any of my colleagues outside of work, there isn't a need for it.

OP posts:

AppleCiderVinegar · 01/07/2019 16:08

I agree with MsMaisel that it's easy to say 'just block him' but men like this can turn nasty when rejected. That was one of the things that came out clearly in all the stories around Harvey Weinstein (& many others sadly).
OP you need to be careful and protect yourself. Log everything he does, keep everything he sends you and then go to HR.

AppleCiderVinegar · 01/07/2019 16:10

I don't think you can just avoid your way out of this one unfortunately OP. It's fucking unfair but you need to start building a case against him, if only to protect yourself.

SamanthaBrique · 01/07/2019 16:10

Are you part of a union OP? In my experience HR is all about protecting an organisation and don't care that much about staff.

DustOffYourHighestHopes · 01/07/2019 16:12

Keep a record of EVERYTHINg and make sure you go to HR and your line manager, in writing ASAP. Get your side of the story first.

Original poster

smokeytoby · 01/07/2019 16:13

@SamanthaBrique I'm not currently part of a union, although since joining my current job I have been looking into it, as an "insurance" so to speak.

OP posts:

SamanthaBrique · 01/07/2019 16:15

Definitely join the union and seek advice from them.

mogonfoxnight · 01/07/2019 16:17

Do you have a work mobile so you can simply give him the new number and say it is 9 - 5 only? In any event, I would ask your line manager what to do - talk to your line manager again, say that you don't want him texting your personal phone, you regret giving the number but you don't want to muddy any professional relationships - say that you are thinking of saying to him that you will no longer be using the mobile and you will be asking him to email until you get a work mobile and ask her - does she agree. And ask her - does he have form for this.

Fact is, women get men coming on to them a lot in some professions - I was a solicitor in a male dominated commercial area and it was rife - it isn't good but you just got used to dealing with it - so she may not realise how much it is bothering you and that you and you need help with it.

If she can't help then try chatting with other females who you trust, in a low key way.

It is difficult to be more specific without more details which I think you are right not to post online. For example - in my area of work my colleagues were very trustworthy and nice and would give you good advice, but in other areas that might not be the case!

Original poster

smokeytoby · 01/07/2019 16:21

Everyone's advice has been brilliant and you have all helped so much to help me know exactly where I am with this, what to do and what I where I want to go from here.

I am so glad I joined Mumsnet.

OP posts:

missbattenburg · 01/07/2019 16:21

She laughed it off and told me to "be careful"

This reads to me like he's done it before and/or has a reputation.

Log everything. Remain calm and professional at all times. Speak to HR. if he has done it before they must have handled it before - one way or another :(

I think if it were me I'd also take the gamble on telling him outright that I don't like the extra attention. I'd be thinking my future at this company was already in jeapordy so it may as well be because of something I did to try and make the situation better. That's easy to say, though and desperately unfair on you.

CatG85 · 01/07/2019 16:31

Is it a work phone? If not I'd say as this is my private phone, I think it makes much more sense to keep our communication to work e-mail and during working hours. That way I can keep track and file everything appropriately etc.
That might scare him a bit as well.

longtompot · 01/07/2019 16:42

I would reply to his next non work related message with "I gave you my number for work related client referals, and I would ask you to refrain from contacting me for any other reason." If he continues, I would go back to your line manager for a more formal meeting and explain what is happening.

Belenus · 01/07/2019 16:44

No! dont text - email the same comment and CC in your line manager. That way all your bases are covered.

Seconded. Email him and cc in your line manager saying that since you do not have a work mobile phone, all future communication with him will be via email or work landline. Keep it brief. Do not give details. Do not fudge or lie about why.

He knows damn well how important this job is to you OP, it's why he's harassing you, because he has the power to. I'd be getting union, HR and possibly legal advice ASAP.

And next time someone bangs on about how women have equality in the workplace now, remind them of this. We don't, not while men like this can hold so much power and leave women concentrating on how not to offend them, rather on how to advance their careers. Wankers.

Original poster

smokeytoby · 01/07/2019 16:55

I think one of the concerns is that because I am 20, and he is at least late 40s, I won't be taken seriously by the members of staff as "oh he has a girlfriend he is only being friendly". I don't want to be brushed off if I raise this as an issue, as he hasn't said anything actually explicit or offensive (yet).

OP posts:

gardenstress · 01/07/2019 16:57

You need to stop him texting you. You have some good suggestions here. Change your no., say you lost your phone, change networks (I think it is worth it). Then only correspond with him via email.

He has previous form. He thinks that getting you to text him, then texting and calling on your PERSONAL phone makes it OK with your consent. It doesn't and you have the evidence to show that he is in the wrong. He won't do this on company email as he would be fired and bring his co. into the mix for a harassment suit.

What is it with 40 something men who think 20 somethings are going to fancy them? They are such sleaze.

gardenstress · 01/07/2019 16:59

Just keep hold of every single thing he sends you. Honestly, older male in position of authority overstepping the mark with a more junior, much longer colleage who has constantly told him no (make sure you do this) is well dodgy on his behalf and has SEXUAL HARASSMENT written all over it.

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