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AIBU?

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Original poster

More of a WWYD - flirtatious texts from a colleague

93 replies

smokeytoby · 01/07/2019 15:05

Hi all - difficult one here and not sure how to put a stop to it. Going to be a bit vague as defo don't want to be outed.

Started a new job 3 months ago, and absolutely love the job but I am very new to the profession so am working my hardest to impress the bosses, make a good impression and such.

We have a different professional who my company works alongside, and we refer clients to each other if need be - he often holds his meetings in our workplace's meeting rooms. I am early twenties and he must be at-least forty.

On my first day meeting him, he introduced himself, gave me his business card and asked me to text him with a "hello" so he had my number for if he needed to refer a client to me as he is often out of the office and uses his mobile. Thought it was a bit forward, but wanted to get off on the best foot possible with all of my colleagues, so sent the "hello" text.

Now he texts me almost daily, asking how my day has been, talking about his life, asking about mine. I have made it clear I have a boyfriend, and have also make it clear that I know he has a girlfriend (a quick FB stalk showed me this).

I don't want to talk to him regularly as it is too personal and makes me feel uncomfortable, I want a work relationship only and when he does text me I just reply politely without asking leading questions. He is very persistent and has called me a couple of times too in the evenings to "chat". One time I answered and said it wasn't a good time, another time I just let it ring through and didn't answer. He has asked me out to lunch on more than one occasion and I politely declined both times, stating that I would like the relationship to remain in work only, and that my boyfriend would not be happy either.

If it was anyone else, I would just tell them to back off and leave me alone, however he is very influential in the firm and I am worried that if I appear rude or annoy him by telling him to stop texting me, he may cause problems for me at work. I have finally got myself into the career of my dreams, desperate to progress as far as possible and it just worries me that if I turn around and politely tell him to fuck off, he could do any number of things to make my career difficult. Our company isn't very big, and all of the partners sing his praises and I wouldn't feel comfortable going to them with a complaint about him as I have only been working here for a couple of months.

For now, I have just stopped replying to his messages but he often just sends follow up texts.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Supergirlthesecond · 01/07/2019 17:05

I wonder if you could try another tactic. What about printing off his texts to you and putting them in a document. Then send/show that to your manager alongside a message that says something like...This gentleman has been very welcoming to me since I have joined the company and has offered to provide support on my ongoing development. I want to make sure that we are adhering to the company's guidelines on good practice as this is my home phone. It may be preferable for the company to provide a work phone if they encourage out of work conversations but I would appreciate some concrete guidelines to follow.'

This way they have a record of his messages, which they can't really ignore however you have framed it as him being helpful so it should not reverberate on you.

Fairenuff · 01/07/2019 17:05

Don't tell him your phone is broken unless you are changing the number as he could still ring from a different phone and you could be caught out in a lie. Just change your number and email everyone re contact via work email only.

SunshineCake · 01/07/2019 17:05

Don't be silly and say your phone isn't working. He's harassing you and he needs telling.

Trying to protect your job by letting him bother you like this is the wrong way to go about this. He should be the one worrying about his job.

Don't get a new phone. Don't pander to him. See HR and be firm. As HR they have a duty of care to their employees but as human beings they should have moral care to their fellow human beings.

It's hard to stand up for yourself but it's the only ways the creepy bastards learn.

IdblowJonSnow · 01/07/2019 17:06

I would block him, no explanation.
Join a union.
Log everything.
And sadly, possibly not tell HR - as a pp said they exist for the good of the organisation, not the individual.
It's a fucking disgrace that you were told to be careful. Ffs, I'm angry on your behalf op.
He sounds like an entitled arse. Why do old gits think that a young woman would be interested? Grim.

RefreshifyMe · 01/07/2019 17:06

Screenshot texts and store to cloud too, just in case your phone goes missing he cottons on and nicks it

Original poster
smokeytoby · 01/07/2019 17:06

@Supergirlthesecond That is a really good idea. They will also see that on multiple occasions, I have turned down his offers of phone calls and lunches out of work. It'll also show that he is texting me in the evenings and on weekends - I'll consider doing this, thank you!

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 01/07/2019 17:06

It should be taken more seriously given your age. Report it today.

Supergirlthesecond · 01/07/2019 17:07

Although Gardenstress is right. He has seen your eagerness and it is harassment.

Jeremybearimybaby · 01/07/2019 17:07

If you want an excuse (I know, you shouldn't need one, but we don't live in a perfect world) and he says he needs your number to refer clients to you (implying he won't put work your way unless you talk to him/he has your number) can you cite GDPR issues? Client details shouldn't be on your personal mobile?
I agree with pp who say to form a case against him, and document EVERYTHING, but in the meantime you're still building your career, and you may benefit from the client referrals.
As you're being uber professional, and taking the clients' privacy so seriously, so he should email you only, then surely he can have no reason to complain? wide eyed innocence optional
I know, I know, it's horrific, but I'm old and I've dealt with this shit over the years - you gotta be smarter than the old fucker who's messing with you.
Flowers

Original poster
smokeytoby · 01/07/2019 17:07

I just want him to go away. I'm currently in contact with a union about joining, and seeking advice from their legal representative.

OP posts:
Jeremybearimybaby · 01/07/2019 17:09

Also blocking him may mean you don't have an evidence chain - can you ignore? Mute? Someone techy may have suggestions how you can hide him, but still see the messages if you want to.

Boysey45 · 01/07/2019 17:10

You need to block him and go to your line manager and tell them what hes been doing. I feel for you,its horrible.
You need to put a stop to his behaviour now, not let it go on and on.

Jeremybearimybaby · 01/07/2019 17:10

Unfortunately he's not going to go away sweetheart - I know it's shit, and I know you're sick of it, but he doesn't get to fuck up your chances at your dream job!

Original poster
smokeytoby · 01/07/2019 17:12

Thank you so much for all of the support, you've all helped more than you realise.

OP posts:
Justaboy · 01/07/2019 17:12

Get a paper trail on the go that proves that you HAVE raised this issue just in case if he does start playing up, i.e. making untrue allegations and the like.

Your line manager sounds like a waste of space but make sure you do raise it with the HR dept and in writing letters better sometimes than e-mails they can go missing.

This behaviour is grossely unfair and so sez an Old Codger older that he is!

Sometimes with prats like that theres a tempation to ask them to step outside or pistols at dawn:)

OK not the done thing nowadays but!..

Whocansay · 01/07/2019 17:15

I would block him and say nothing. If he asks, you can say that you want to keep your work and home life separate. He knows exactly what he's doing. He was very smart to ask you to text him first.

I would try and deal with this yourself if you can. You've been in the job 3 months and he has put you in a nasty situation. It is not always as straightforward as 'tell HR and they will sort him out'. Remember HR works for the interests of the company and they may take the view that it's easier to get rid of you, than deal with him.

Supergirlthesecond · 01/07/2019 17:16

@Justaboy

I reckon that's where we are going wrong. I'd be up for pistols at dawn with some of the people I've met. I wouldn't trust them to boil a kettle so I'm pretty sure I could take them with a real implement...

eddielizzard · 01/07/2019 17:17

Document EVERYTHING. He is being completely inappropriate. Good luck.

Aria999 · 01/07/2019 17:19

Textbook harassment case. As other ppl said I bet you're not the first person he's done this too and won't be the last.

Everything you're doing sounds v sensible. Stay icily professional and minimize contact.

Good luck shaking the sleazy bastard off.

ReanimatedSGB · 01/07/2019 17:20

Also, bear in mind that this scuzzy old wankstain knows exactly what he is doing. He's not 'flirting' with you, he's trying to humiliate and upset you because it makes his aging willy stiffen to think of a young woman being anxious and unhappy and trying to hide her revulsion because the world expects her to make nice with creepy older men.

SouthWestmom · 01/07/2019 17:20

I would reply to his next out of hours text to say something like 'Hi Mike actually when im not working I like to switch off completely so in future can we keep communication to office hours only? Thanks'

Original poster
smokeytoby · 01/07/2019 17:21

I am also the youngest person in the whole firm by atleast 20-25 years, if that makes any difference. I think that's why it's me he is texting...

OP posts:
FindaPenny · 01/07/2019 17:24

I know you shouldn't have to do this, but it's an awkward situation.... Could you get your boyfriend to answer if he phones you again? It might be enough to put him off without too much awkwardness.

ohfourfoxache · 01/07/2019 17:24

You need to be aware that you sometimes need to be in a union for X amount of time before they’ll provide assistance......

Definitely log everything - even things that don’t seem significant at the time

Original poster
smokeytoby · 01/07/2019 17:25

@FindaPenny My boyfriend is lovely and he would absolutely do that if he thought it was what I wanted him to do to help. I certainly could do that, and just get him to politely say "smokeytoby is in the shower right now, can I pass on a message?"

I doubt he would say "I just wanted a chat with your girlfriend", and may think twice before calling again.

I will never personally answer his call though.

OP posts: