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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nursery took teddy

117 replies

Takenteddy · 01/07/2019 12:58

When I dropped my child off this morning another child was misbehaving (not being violent or anything, they were basically not doing as they were told). They were given a warning, consequence was explained, nursery followed through with consequence.

So far, I totally agree. Normal discipline.

Except the consequence was the removal of that child’s comfort object and they were then left alone, crying for it, in the middle of the room.

It made me really uncomfortable and I would hate to think of my child being in that situation.

I don’t know if I’m being emotional and it’s just something kids have to suck up, or if the nursery were being unreasonable. Although I obviously discipline my kids, their comfort toys are sort of ‘sacred’.

So: were nursery being unreasonable to remove a comfort object as a consequence of bad behaviour?

OP posts:
Chinks123 · 01/07/2019 14:05

Dd aged 6 has a comfort bunny which she can’t sleep without, and goes everywhere with her. She was not allowed it at nursery, and in primary school now she is also not allowed to take it in. I’m glad because if anything were to happen to him she’d be heartbroken, but she still has a little cry every morning when she says goodbye to him. We would never use him as a punishment, he’s like part of the family Grin

LittleWalnutTree · 01/07/2019 14:06

You weren't there to see all of it, and in what way were they not doing as they were told? For all you know, the teddy might have belonged to either the nursery or another child and they were refusing to give it back.

Hadalifeonce · 01/07/2019 14:08

Our DD as a toddler had a comforter, one weekend I was out she was misbehaving, DH threatened that he would take it from her if she didn't behave........... not only did he take it off her, he cut it up!

At 16, she still remembers this incident,

DH was truly reprimanded when I got home, he then realised the error of his ways and was very, very apologetic to DD. He still gets embarrassed if it is brought up.

nanbread · 01/07/2019 14:09

Awful. I'd remove my child unless they gave me enough reassurance that they wouldn't discipline like this any more.

It's more important to treat a child with compassion than to follow through on ridiculous consequences.

Original poster
Takenteddy · 01/07/2019 14:09

Ok so the majority view seems to be it was unreasonable to take it.

Sorry, I realised after posting the voting button was unclear!

To answer questions:

Child is between 3 and 4 yrs old.
I can’t be certain that was their main comforter but the removal certainly caused upset and they were crying for it by name.
Misbehaviour was unrelated to the comfort object.
I left soon after so I can’t say how long before it was returned to the child.
It wasn’t my child.

Generally I love this nursery so I was a bit taken aback and that’s also why I wanted to test reactions.

I suspect this was an ill thought out action by a member of staff in the heat of the moment.

I will raise it with nursery in the context of ‘This seemed unreasonable. Please don’t ever discipline my child this way’.

Obviously situations are often more than they appear from the outside but my gut feeling seems to have been reasonable. Thanks all!

OP posts:
ddl1 · 01/07/2019 14:09

Assuming that it's their own teddy, no, it's absolutely wrong. They should not be confiscating a small child's own property as a punishment (at that age, a child doesn't know for sure that they'll get it back), and certainly not something that a child may depend on as a comfort object. Are you absolutely sure that it wasn't just a toy that the child had picked up? - if it was a nursery toy and the child was for example being punished for 'hogging' it and not letting others play with it, then this would be a different matter. But not their own comfort object.

listsandbudgets · 01/07/2019 14:11

I'm 43. I sometimes still get my rather tattered bunny out and give her a cuddle Blush

When I was 4 I lost her for a couple of weeks and still remember crying inconsolably for hours at a time. My poor parents - every morning I'd wake up and ask if she'd come back. Luckily my nan found her at the bottom of a sleeping bag.

If someone had FORCIBLY removed my bunny (now or 40 years ago) I'd be / would have been distraught.

YANBU. That should never be a consequence :(

Valanice1989 · 01/07/2019 14:13

I think that's cruel. The child needs to be disciplined but there are better ways.

CassianAndor · 01/07/2019 14:13

I can’t be certain that was their main comforter but the removal certainly caused upset and they were crying for it by name.

Ah, come on, now. You actually haven't a clue if the toy was their comforter - I'm sure if my DD had a toy that she really wanted (but wasn't her comforter) she'd cry for it by name.

So I really wouldn't say a thing.

Looneytune253 · 01/07/2019 14:14

Was it defo taken away as a punishment. The comfort toys are generally taken away in nurseries as they are too precious and kids don't really need them when they're busy playing (maybe have them back at sleep time or if a child has been hurt or anything)

ppeatfruit · 01/07/2019 14:17

The OP explained the reason why the teddy was taken away, it was for a child "not doing what they' were told'. I would remove my child from that nursery and tell the manager exactly why. I might also report them to Ofsted.

Waveysnail · 01/07/2019 14:18

I'm with you on this. One of my kids has a comfort soft toy - yr 4. Goes to school with him as has asd and anxiety - school ask for him to keep it with him as prevents meltdowns. Any who his 1:1 decided to remove it as punishment and his meltdown when to epic scale and I had to be brought it.

Justaboy · 01/07/2019 14:18

That is harsh!, really is for very young children.

Why JB still has his teddy and he's now some 60 odd years old:)

YouWinAgain · 01/07/2019 14:18

YANBU if someone took my DDs Elephant unnecessarily I'd be fuming, it's not fair to the DC.

Noseynails · 01/07/2019 14:19

I still have lots of teddies. I'm currently crocheting a cardigan for my favourite one.

Original poster
Takenteddy · 01/07/2019 14:20

cassian it’s a fair point and part of the reason I posted. I hadn’t really intended to bash the nursery (although it’s obvs an emotive topic) but more test the water before I spoke to them. I would be reinforcing that I didn’t want my child disciplined this way rather than ‘reporting’ what I saw this morning.

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 01/07/2019 14:23

It sounds like "consequence" is being used as a synonym of "punishment", and not just in the nursery.

My dgd lied to me that she didn't have school today so I didn't buy her something nice for her lunch. That is a consequence.

ppeatfruit · 01/07/2019 14:23

I studied child development and it takes quite a few years before young children's brains are able understand consequences.

This child was punished for being child which is disgraceful.

Topseyt · 01/07/2019 14:32

I can’t be certain that was their main comforter but the removal certainly caused upset and they were crying for it by name

You have no Idea whether the toy belonged to the child at all, or to the nursery, it perhaps even to another child.

You know little about the incident or the child concerned. It isn't your place to jump in and make any comment at all and you will gain the reputation of being rather a busybody if you do.

I would have no issue with this as a consequence of poor behaviour. It was the sort of consequence I would have doled out to my own when they were that age.

If anyone has any reason to complain or question this at all then it is the parents of the child concerned. Nobody else.

username95 · 01/07/2019 14:33

I accidentally voted that you are being unreasonable! I'm sorry!

I think YANBU, as much as a naughty child needs to be shown discipline, they also need to be shown humanity! And taking away the one thing they carry everywhere and quite clearly love seems like it will have a bad effect.
Not to mention how mean it is!!

The nursery (especially as a professional place for childcare) should have other ways to show the children how to behave, and I wouldn't be comfortable knowing this is how they deal with a misbehaving child.

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 01/07/2019 14:33

S1naidSucks
I would never remove a child’s comforter, however I think since we don’t know what the run up to the removal was, I can’t say if they were unreasonable or not.

But we do know. The OP says "another child was misbehaving (not being violent or anything, they were basically not doing as they were told)".

So the comfort object was not involved in the misbehaviour, and should not have been dragged into it at all.

Wrong, wrong, wrong behaviour from the staff member who did it.

DaisyStarburst · 01/07/2019 14:35

This happened to me 60 years ago, I still haven't forgotten it!

QuizzlyBear · 01/07/2019 14:36

Mine are now 12 and 14 but they were deeply attached to their 'bears' when they were that age. No matter what they did or said wrong etc, my DH and I agreed that removing them was off the table in any circumstance.

It would probably have worked, but I think it would have been scarring.

DanceToTheMusicInMyHead · 01/07/2019 14:39

I think it's potentially a really traumatic thing for the child. My most vivid memory of my first day at school is the teacher taking one boy's 'lellow blankie' off him and putting it on the top shelf as he was too big for it. The poor boy (the youngest in the year group) sobbed all day while the rest of the class sat in silent horror. I think comfort objects can be so essential to children- to me they are out of bounds as consequences (unless they are hitting someone with it etc.)

peachgreen · 01/07/2019 14:41

That would be a dealbreaker for me. Comfort objects are sacred.