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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I solely to blame or does this lie with both of us?

77 replies

SkintMama · 30/06/2019 19:02

Our 10 year relationship has come to an end today. We haven’t been happy for a long time but we got engaged and our wedding is all booked for next year.
The past 6 months, I’ve found myself. I’d been a SAHM for 16 years and I’d lost my identity. Now, I’m listened to, respected and I make a little bit of difference to people’s lives. I love this.
My DP couldn’t handle my new-found independence. My new spark. I’d struggled with severe anxiety for most of my life, until I started taking antidepressants. They saved me and gave me the courage to do scary things like get a job etc. I’m the happiest I’ve been in a long time. But it’s come at a price.
DP showed me very little affection, had very little time for me, and I felt invisible when I was at home. I felt the loneliest I’ve ever been, while in the same room as him. He would pass comment on my weight(I’m a size 10-was a 6 when we met-3 kids later, what did he expect?!)
My head was turned. Someone showed me attention and it felt nice. We’ve been sending the odd message and have shared a kiss.
I told DP this morning. For the past 3 weeks, I e barely been at home when he is. I’ve sat in my car most of the time, even drank wine in my car, just to avoid the atmosphere at home. It gave me heart palpitations.
Now he keeps saying this is all my fault. That he isn't to blame at all. Yes it was me that ultimately ended it with what I did, but there's been so many things leading up to that, things that pushed me to that point. I refuse to take all the blame. Honestly, am I being unreasonable to think like this?

OP posts:
John470322 · 30/06/2019 19:07

YANBU and he is NBU. If a relationship breaks down it is usually because both realise that it is wrong.
Be free, learn to be happy again.

Okthen5 · 30/06/2019 19:08

It takes 2 people to destroy a relationship just as it takes 2 to make a relationship work.

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 30/06/2019 19:08

I think if it had just been the lack of affection from him that could possibly have been fixed. But him making remarks about your weight and you not even feeling like you want to be in same room as him I'd say that the relationship has been dead for a while. Cheating on him was wrong as you should have ended the relationship first but I wouldn't say it all on you. He obviously doesn't want to admit his part in it and you have given him the easy road to looking like the injured party.

End of the day, the relationship is over and it doesn't really matter whether or not he accepts his part in it. If this new man makes you happy then so be it. If not, well, at least you're out of a dead relationship.

PositiveVibez · 30/06/2019 19:10

Does it really matter if you know the truth?

AltasCloud · 30/06/2019 19:11

You could have walked away before cheating.

But I don't judge you. At all.

I wish I had the courage to leave my grumpy DH after 10 years.

I think forget about blame - just move on and be happy without him.

Flowers
AloneLonelyLoner · 30/06/2019 19:12

Barring emotional or physical abuse, it takes two people to make a relationship work. It takes one to end it. Be free and find your happiness. I would.

FadedRed · 30/06/2019 19:12

Of course he is going to say that. And, of course, it’s not true.
Well done for getting away from this arse.

sevenoftwelve · 30/06/2019 19:15

My DP couldn’t handle my new-found independence.

What does this mean?

Either way, he treated you like shit and tried to keep you feeling shit about yourself for a very long time. You deserved better.

Him trying to blame you is just more of the same really.

As a slight aside, don't go drinking alcohol in your car. Being in charge of a motor vehicle while unfit through drink or drugs is a criminal offence. It's not just driving while over the limit that's a crime.

NoBaggyPants · 30/06/2019 19:18

He's a nasty arse, you're a nasty cheat. Neither of you come out of this well.

TalkinAboutManetManet · 30/06/2019 19:22

It takes 2 people to destroy a relationship just as it takes 2 to make a relationship work

That’s not true. Many marriages have been ruined by one party’s actions- whether cheating, lying, and addiction etc.
One person can destroy a marriage very easily.

OP- does it matter? I believe that a relationship is over once you turn to someone outside of it. You’re interested in someone else, have pursued a relationship with him, and have ended your relationship to allow you to do so.

BarbarianMum · 30/06/2019 19:23

Every cheater in the world blames their partner. You are no different.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/06/2019 19:26

It takes 2 people to destroy a relationship just as it takes 2 to make a relationship work

Bollocks.

OP, it sounds like you had a shit marriage but you were unhappy for ages so could have left before copping off with a new man.

adaline · 30/06/2019 19:30

You should have ended things before you cheated on him.

Your relationship doesn't sound happy but he can now place the blame firmly on you because you're the one that kissed someone else.

Let him go and go be happy.

FriarTuck · 30/06/2019 19:32

You could have walked away before cheating.
This ^^. I was with you until that point but now you can't blame him because you've not given him the opportunity to change.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 30/06/2019 19:36

I have little respect for people who cheat. If you were unhappy you should have ended it. Now people will inevitably hear that your marriage ended because you had an affair instead of because you grew and changed as people.

BeanoBrown · 30/06/2019 19:36

You cheated so he's going to say its your fault. Was the relationship as bad as you say or are you making excuses for cheating? I think you are going to have to take this one on the chin and accept the blame.

Leeds2 · 30/06/2019 19:40

Your DH has treated you appallingly but, in my view, there is absolutely no excuse whatsoever for cheating. You could've left him, and then started a relationship with whoever you wanted.

Lazypuppy · 30/06/2019 19:44

OP unfortunately you cheated.therefore when people ask him why you broke up he will blame you and say you cheated.

You should have ended it before kissing another guy

Pinkfinkle · 30/06/2019 19:46

It’s definitely not all your fault but you’re not faultless in all of this either. You could easily have left him before ‘having your head turned’.

Ginger1982 · 30/06/2019 19:46

@Okthen5 I don't necessarily agree with this. One person can have an affair and wreck a relationship where the other party is entirely innocent. We see that all too often on MN.

@SkintMama in your case it sounds as if you both checked out. I don't condone your actions but I think you're both probably at fault.

Tallgreenbottle · 30/06/2019 19:50

Live, enjoy, be happy, OP. Forget all the bollocks being spouted by the angels of MN about the morality of 'cheating'.

You were already checked out and so was he, and he was a shit husband. There was no relationship left to cheat on, as such.

Enjoy your new life :)

NCforthis2019 · 30/06/2019 19:54

You cheated. He’s an arse. Both of you don’t come out smelling of roses.

DisorganisedOrganiser · 30/06/2019 19:57

You need to stop drinking wine in your car! You could end up with a drink driving charge.

SkintMama · 30/06/2019 20:01

In the first 18 months of our relationship, whilst we were trying for a baby, he went in a lads holiday and, after he returned, I found a box of condoms in his bag. He swore blind they were not what I thought... they fucking were. Fast forward a few years, he went on another lads holiday(which I begged him not to go on) and I found a message after he got home, asking some woman for a ‘second date’. We had relationship counselling after this but I never got over it. He had fake Facebook profiles too...
I’ve been hurting for years over all this. I should have left then, but I loved him.

OP posts:
IceRebel · 30/06/2019 20:05

So you suspect he's previously cheated on you, that's a pretty big drip feed.

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