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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I solely to blame or does this lie with both of us?

77 replies

SkintMama · 30/06/2019 19:02

Our 10 year relationship has come to an end today. We haven’t been happy for a long time but we got engaged and our wedding is all booked for next year.
The past 6 months, I’ve found myself. I’d been a SAHM for 16 years and I’d lost my identity. Now, I’m listened to, respected and I make a little bit of difference to people’s lives. I love this.
My DP couldn’t handle my new-found independence. My new spark. I’d struggled with severe anxiety for most of my life, until I started taking antidepressants. They saved me and gave me the courage to do scary things like get a job etc. I’m the happiest I’ve been in a long time. But it’s come at a price.
DP showed me very little affection, had very little time for me, and I felt invisible when I was at home. I felt the loneliest I’ve ever been, while in the same room as him. He would pass comment on my weight(I’m a size 10-was a 6 when we met-3 kids later, what did he expect?!)
My head was turned. Someone showed me attention and it felt nice. We’ve been sending the odd message and have shared a kiss.
I told DP this morning. For the past 3 weeks, I e barely been at home when he is. I’ve sat in my car most of the time, even drank wine in my car, just to avoid the atmosphere at home. It gave me heart palpitations.
Now he keeps saying this is all my fault. That he isn't to blame at all. Yes it was me that ultimately ended it with what I did, but there's been so many things leading up to that, things that pushed me to that point. I refuse to take all the blame. Honestly, am I being unreasonable to think like this?

OP posts:
adaline · 30/06/2019 20:12

Why did you stay with him then?

BarbarianMum · 30/06/2019 20:12

You suspected he was cheating on you so you went on to have 3 children with him "because you loved him" - and then cheated because you didn't?

Nesssie · 30/06/2019 20:12

Ultimately it doesn’t really matter if he cheated on you before, because that doesn’t give you a free pass. You chose to stay with him after that.
He sounds like an arse but your kiss is what has ended it and unfortunately you’re going to come out looking like the bad guy. Sounds like it is worth it though for a happy future so just forget ‘who is to blame’ and ‘win’ by being happy with your new found confidence.

Lambzig · 30/06/2019 20:14

OP I am in nearly the same position (although probably a decade or so older). I retrained to a new career over the last 5 years which is really taking off for me and DH can do nothing but snipe at me and try to put me down.

I feel I have really found my niche. He is so resentful. I am doing anything to avoid being in the house because the atmosphere is so bad. I just want out but financially thats going to take some time to untangle.

I haven’t cheated on him and have no plans but I feel like I would be pretty vulnerable to someone noticing me in that way right now. So no judgement from me.

I think it’s his fault and mine. Nd I expect you are the same.

SolsticeBabyMaybe · 30/06/2019 20:17

I was going to say, he sounds a bit crap but unless he was abusive or controlling etc, it was up to you to leave him before you cheated. You are responsible for doing that.

Now you did the update, sounds like he was worse than you on that front. But two wrongs don't make a right.

Unless there were real reasons why you didn't try and sort out your issues earlier/decide to leave, then it was your choice to remain in that relationship and to go outside of it, which is obviously not a nice thing to do.

SolsticeBabyMaybe · 30/06/2019 20:19

I'd chalk it up to experience and try and avoid the blame game. Accept what happened, learn from it and move on.

AltasCloud · 30/06/2019 20:20

Well, that's a big fucking drip feed!

Original poster
SkintMama · 30/06/2019 20:21

I was desperate for our family to stay together. He’s a good dad, but crap partner. No romance, I’m invisible. I’m not justifying what I did, but I’ve been trying to end the relationship for about a month now. Maybe I told him so it could be final??

OP posts:
Original poster
SkintMama · 30/06/2019 20:22

Sorry about the drip feed. I wanted to see if I was BU without saying about his past indiscretions(he still insists he hasn’t cheated!!) he may not have been successful(I’ll never know) but the intent was there!

OP posts:
adaline · 30/06/2019 20:24

But you chose to stay and have a family with him anyway...

GabriellaMontez · 30/06/2019 20:25

I.think you're both to blame. But lots of people here will tell you how you should have done better. It's easy to tell other people what they should have done after the event though.

YouJustDoYou · 30/06/2019 20:27

You didnt "get" your head turned.you ALLOWED your head to be turned.yabvu to try and explain away your cheating. Just because he "cheated", doesn't mean you're entitled to. Yanbu to leave this farce ofa relationship however.

Rachelle11 · 30/06/2019 20:31

You were wrong to cheat. It's hard to say how awful he is. People often paint their spouse as awful once they've found someone new.

MollyButton · 30/06/2019 20:32

Whatever - the relationship is over.
I'd suggest you don't get too involved with OM until you've sorted yourself and your life out. It could be jumping from the frying pan into the fire. A few messages and one kiss - whilst bad are not that big a deal - use them topower you out of one relationship, but not into another.
Yes he's hurt etc. so he will blame you. But that doesn't mean it was solely your fault.
Life can be messy - but its not worth making it messier than it already is. Don't retaliate but move on with your life.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 30/06/2019 20:36

I think fault is a bit of a distraction. However, I would suggest staying single for a while instead of rushing into a new relationship.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 30/06/2019 20:41

It's hard to say how awful he is. People often paint their spouse as awful once they've found someone new.

I agree with this sentiment. It is difficult to know what he was like and whether he actually did cheat but it does sound very much like you are trying to find a way to justify what you have done to yourself and others. I would strongly suggest being single for a while you need time to focus on yourself and your children and sort everything out. Now is not the time for jumping into a new relationship.

OralBElectricToothbrush · 30/06/2019 20:43

I love how all cheaters gloss over what they did, both you and your partner - 'shared a kiss' (you swapped spit with someone else) 'the odd text' 'head was turned'. Just own it. Split up. If you're not married, there's no 'blame' to assign anyhow.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 30/06/2019 20:43

He's a nasty arse, you're a nasty cheat. Neither of you come out of this well.

Nothing like being judgemental, eh?

Things are rarely as cut-and-dried as this. As with most situations it's likely a case of six of one and half-a-dozen of the other. The 'head-turning' in itself is a red herring here, IMO. Whether you end up with this man or not, it's galvanized you into doing what you've long known is necessary and ending a relationship which for many varied and complex reasons hadn't been working out for years.

Perhaps in this situation the healthiest response is to dispense with the mindset of apportioning blame, and to reach a place of acceptance. Piling blame upon each other and guilt upon yourself serves no useful purpose whatsoever. Try to look forward, rather than back. The relationship hadn't been working for a long time. Now it's over, leaving you both free to move on.

Good luck, OP.

Nearlythere1 · 30/06/2019 20:44

Well, you're the one who has cheated regardless of the backstory. If the tables were turned on here and it was a woman talking about a cheating husband who claimed he did it because she drove him away then I think the verdict would be unanimous that he was a prick. I think you need to accept responsibility for this part of it i'm afraid.

Tuktuktaker · 30/06/2019 20:45

Just go.

zsazsajuju · 30/06/2019 20:51

Do you think you would have left if you hadn’t met someone else? If not, was he really that bad? Maybe he was but as someone said earlier cheaters like to justify their actions

museumum · 30/06/2019 20:51

You were wrong to cheat and that probably was “to blame” for you splitting up.
BUT it sounds like splitting up was the right thing to do and will be for the best in the long run as the relationship sounds like it’s so over it’s bordering on toxic.

So you did the wrong thing but for the right outcome. Blame isn’t the point now.

Trying to move into a civil coparenting relationship for the sake of your kids has to be the top priority whatever that takes.

Original poster
SkintMama · 30/06/2019 20:59

We’d already had the children by the time he went the second time. In fact the youngest was only a few months old, and I’d lost my dad 2 months earlier. I was a complete mess and all he did was add to my pain. I hate him for that.
I’m not jumping into a relationship with this other man. I have no intention of that whatsoever. He wasn’t the reason I wanted to end it, but he definitely made me realise there were big things missing from my relationship and I didn’t want to go on to marry him and end up in an unhappy marriage.

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 30/06/2019 21:00

Doesnt really matter now its over-hes prob in denial about what hes done over the years

Youre both going to have to be civil so just move on

VivienneHolt · 30/06/2019 21:04

You obviously shouldn’t have cheated, but it sounds like the relationship was broken down anyway and that is both of your responsibility.