Am I solely to blame or does this lie with both of us?

[SkintMama]

Our 10 year relationship has come to an end today. We haven’t been happy for a long time but we got engaged and our wedding is all booked for next year.
The past 6 months, I’ve found myself. I’d been a SAHM for 16 years and I’d lost my identity. Now, I’m listened to, respected and I make a little bit of difference to people’s lives. I love this.
My DP couldn’t handle my new-found independence. My new spark. I’d struggled with severe anxiety for most of my life, until I started taking antidepressants. They saved me and gave me the courage to do scary things like get a job etc. I’m the happiest I’ve been in a long time. But it’s come at a price.
DP showed me very little affection, had very little time for me, and I felt invisible when I was at home. I felt the loneliest I’ve ever been, while in the same room as him. He would pass comment on my weight(I’m a size 10-was a 6 when we met-3 kids later, what did he expect?!)
My head was turned. Someone showed me attention and it felt nice. We’ve been sending the odd message and have shared a kiss.
I told DP this morning. For the past 3 weeks, I e barely been at home when he is. I’ve sat in my car most of the time, even drank wine in my car, just to avoid the atmosphere at home. It gave me heart palpitations.
Now he keeps saying this is all my fault. That he isn't to blame at all. Yes it was me that ultimately ended it with what I did, but there's been so many things leading up to that, things that pushed me to that point. I refuse to take all the blame. Honestly, am I being unreasonable to think like this?

I agree that people always find ways in which their partner is an arsehole once they have someone new. If you were a man you'd be getting precisely zero support.

I haven’t found anyone new though. There’s so much more I could slag him off for, but I’m not going to go there. I made so much effort to fix this, over and over again. But it wasn’t reciprocated.

I just think if you were unhappy, you should have just left. There's no need to bring a third party into your relationship.

Oh atlascloud - I am in the same situation.

Just move on with dignity without trying to ‘blame’ each other. Your relationship has ended & going over & over who did what etc isn’t going to help. For the sake of your children you need to separate amicably.

You accepted that he had cheated in the past because you wanted to save your marriage. Don't use that now as an excuse for what you did. Cheating is wrong and there is no excuse for it. Just because he cheated before doesn't give you a free pass to do so now.

That being said, I understand your temptation. Your STBXP is a shit and has treated you terribly. I understand that this new man's attention has opened your eyes to how unhappy you were. But the right thing to have done would have been to leave your relationship before your entanglement with this other man went beyond simple friendship.

You need to leave your STBXP (no longer 'D' P). You need to step away from this new man. You need to discover who you really are before you get involved with anyone.

I didn’t blame him. He was literally pointing his finger at me, telling me it’s all my doing. So I pointed out that he wasn’t blameless in all this. He was having none of it

The thing is, it doesn't matter if you were right or wrong, or what percentage of this was your fault versus his.

You've made a decision you're happy with, you've made a decision about what's right for you and, ultimately, you know you don't have a future together. When things fall apart it's human nature to deflect blame and point the finger elsewhere, perhaps because it eases the pain a little. You aren't going to convince him he's at fault, so let him feel what he feels. Stand firm and remember why you've left, and focus on what's ahead not what's behind.

I agree pond55. I’ve no plans to be with anyone else for some time. I wouldn’t have a clue how to?!

I don’t think you’re solely responsible for the relationship breaking down and from what you’ve said, I think the blame is more onyour partners side. Ok, you shouldn’t have kissed this other man, but having been in a really negative relationship that destroyed my confidence, I can completely empathise the the having your head turned. I split from my abusive ex before anything happened with the head turner, but I can easily see how it could happen otherwise if you are even more depressed/confused/detached from what healthy relationships look like.

OP, I wonder why you are asking Aibu? You really shouldn’t be worrying about the opinions of strangers but even less giving a shit what your ex who sounds nasty as says.

The drinking in your car, trying to avoid the tension at home, just makes my skin crawl remembering how awful it is to live with a partner who shows no love or affection, it’s so fucked up. So you have my sympathy for getting out and yes your ex may try to blame you,but know if he’d been a halffway decent partner the relationship would have survived. Maybe you will have to become confident telling your side.

Thank you cyberworrier. It’s a horrible position to be in. He said ‘I won’t be telling anyone about this. I’m too embarrassed’

Op I don’t understand why your getting such a hard time on here it was just a kiss it’s not like you jumped in to bed with him and it sounds like your ex has said and done a lot worse. You need to be on your own so that you can find your happiness and figure out who you are and what you want out of life. Sounds to me like that things where getting pretty awful in your relationship I do think you should’ve left your partner before you kissed this other fella but what’s done is done and you can’t take it back. Good luck with everything.

He was literally pointing his finger at me, telling me it’s all my doing. So I pointed out that he wasn’t blameless in all this. He was having none of it

He probably thinks that since you 'forgave' him that wipes the slate clean and his infidelity should no longer be held against him. To a very small extent, I see what he's thinking.

On a much less serious scale, if I'd kicked you in anger and you said, "That's OK, I forgive you" I'd assume you were over it and I wouldn't expect you to drag it up in the future, especially as a reason for you to kick me. Obviously infidelity is on a much more serious scale.

Ive never told him I’d forgiven him. He knew very well I was still hurting from it all. I dream/have nightmares about it at least once a week. It still to this day feels very raw. I saw him as my rock, my knight, my soulmate, someone who would NEVER hurt me. So to do it not once, not twice, but several times over, cut me like a knife.

He keeps saying how sorry I’ll be and how he’s going to make it big etc. I couldn’t give a toss. You could throw all the money in the world at me, but if I’m not loved, what’s the point. One of the first things he asked about OM was ‘is he loaded or something?!’ He’s not. Not in the slightest. Totally irrelevant question, in my eyes. But he’s very materialistic. Said I’ll never find anyone who will love me as much as he does... That old cliche ‘actions speak louder than words’. But he never really said it either

Neither of you are to blame. It sounds like neither of you were getting anything from this relationship for some time. Both of you should have been honest about that and pulled the plug earlier. I would say go forth solo and have a fab life. Worrying about what he thinks is pointless. If he wants to adopt this childish ‘poor me’ attitude you will not succeed in trying to make him take any responsibility anyway.

It’s not your fault and it’s not all his fault but I think you will have to accept that he may never see it that way. It’s quite hard to be at peace with that but you can’t make him take responsibility especially as everything in his head will be trying to not make it his fault.

You've been with him for ten years, a SAHM for 16, but he was disappointed that you gained weight after DC instead of saying the size six you were when you met?

I don't understand.

But you sound well rid.

My oldest is from another relationship.

So you already had DC and he wanted more DC, but he doesn't want you to look like you've borne any DC?

The man is a knob.

If that's the way you've been feeling, then you will be happy to be rid of him if for no other reason than that he won't be able to hurt you again.

I agree with so many others, though, there's fault on both sides. And it's no point in trying to apportion blame. You're unhappy, he's unhappy, it's time to end things.

He’s devastated. He was up all night crying. Literally uncontrollable sobbing. Telling me how much he loves me and how he could have changed. We’ve both had so many opportunities to fix this but it’s never worked.
I know exactly how he’s feeling. It’s the worst feeling in the world. I honestly didn’t know he felt this strongly for me. Why couldn’t have showed some emotion while we were together?! He has now said he took me for granted. He really did.
I feel awful. He’s utterly broken. I thought he’d just be angry and hate me. Not this!

You feel guilty. You're going to feel guilty for a long time.

Better than spending the rest of your life with him (from your description). Are you looking forward to a life without him? If so stick to your guns.

I honestly didn’t know he felt this strongly for me. I'm really sorry OP but I don't think you can read so much into his uncontrollable sobbing.

I am guessing a lot of the crying is about how he feels right now about himself and his future. I really don't think this shows he loves you. He loves himself and is gutted for himself.

If he truly loved you he would not have behaved the way he has for so many years. He could be being manipulative right now, or just upset for himself. Being left by someone he thought adored him, regardless of how shit he treated them, isn't exactly an ego boost is it.

I’m scared about the future. It’s going to be hard.
I really don’t know what to think of his reaction. He says he’s forgiven me. How can he?!