Secret child

[Hp737]

Wwyd here? A friend of mine has jsut found out that her dp of 4 years has a secret child, who has just turned 5- he’s never met or had contact with her. He had always told dfriend there was “a secret he wasn’t ready to tell” about himself which she has vaguely wondered about to me sometimes but we never in a million years expected it to be something like this. He’s finally told her as a result of a “mental breakdown” and seems to expect everything to carry on as is- I believe he is going to seek contact with the child and dfriend is saying she will support him through it but what would you make of a guy capable of this? Would you stay? I’m livid on her behalf tbh. It’s a massive deception. I don’t want to give her bad advice but I feel shit for her.

I would be livid too - what a coward. I hope your friend is ok whatever she decides to do

How old? If we’re talking a chap of 20 who fathered a kid at 16 then that wouldn’t make it right but I would believe they might still be growing up. If he’s 30 I’d suggest running for the hills.

I think the only advice you can give it to be honest to herself.
I'd want a fucking good reason for why he's been nc with his own child for a start

Well, at least he didn’t father the child while in a relationship with your friend. Depending on the man, I might stay in this situation.

I’d almost definitely leave. I’d just feel as though my trust had majorly been betrayed and your friend also didn’t sign up to a relationship with someone else’s child.

Tbh another worry of mine would be getting pregnant, he’s already abandoned one child...

He was 25 when the baby was born, he’s 30 now. She is same age.

Depends completely on the circumstances at the time and what he chooses to do now - impossible to tell from details provided

Did he try to keep contact?
Did he provide or try to provide financial support?
Did the mother want him involved?
Did he know at the time or later?
Etc

So many questions where answers change context

dfriend is saying she will support him through it but what would you make of a guy capable of this? Would you stay? I’m livid on her behalf tbh. It’s a massive deception.

How you feel is largely irrelevent isn't it? This has zero impact on your life whatsoever.

Your friend seems to have accepted it and that is all that matters.

You don't know all the circumstances as to how/why things happened. You are making a judgement on scant facts.

Your friend is a saint in being supportive.

When he starts having contact, she might well realise that she doesn’t want any part of it. It will be very difficult for her even if she says she’s ok about it now.

She won’t be unreasonable if she bins him eventually.

I guess I’m asking because she’s not thinking straight and keeps asking me what I’d do. I know him and he has always seemed like such a great guy and my instinct is to make excuses for him but I don’t know if I can or should.
To answer questions afaik - he went nc with the mum when she was pregrant, she got in touch with him when baby was small, he didn’t want to be involved, and he’s not heard from the mum again or offered contact or support- until now.

a secret he wasn’t ready to tell”

Who the hell would put up with such a drama queen? Don't tell someone you have 'a secret you aren't ready to tell', it's juvenile and attention-seeking. Particularly when it turns out to be a monster of a secret that shouldn't be a secret in the first place, a child you should be taking responsibility for. FFS.

Do they have any children together?

@showmethegin no, and not married, just living together.

I'd be furious in her shoes, and also massively unimpressed that he thinks it's okay to disrupt a 5 year old's life now that he's decided he's ready. What a selfish arsehole.

Wouldn't personally have anything to do with a man who would go NC with the woman having his child and then essentially NC with the child. Its not the child's fault. I would see it as a distinct lack of character and just wouldn't want to be involved with him. He sounds like a drama queen also with the secret nonsense.

There's no way I would stay with someone who did this. They have not got the morals I would expect from a partner. His child and his ex deserve more and so does your friend.

I would find it hard to give my opinion as I wouldn't want to be blamed for a decision she wasn't ready to make but equally I would need to be sure she didn't stay because of my keeping quiet.

He may seem like a good person but he clearly isn't.

She keeps saying, he says he’s telling her now because he’s changed and he’s a better person now and wants to set it right with the child and with her; but I don’t know how someone able to keep that kind of secret can change.
It’s a mess. they were talking about marriage this year. I almost wish I didn’t know.

Bloody hell some women have such a low bar when it comes to their partners. She'll be on here in 5 years complaining that she's had his baby but he never seem them.

Meanwhile there's a woman bringing up a child with no input from the father at all, because of his behaviour. He sounds to be a real prize.

She needs to decide if there's a future with him. The impact of being a step mother, of having kids with him.

My cousin found out her husband of 20 years had a secret child. She herself had 3 DC with him and only found out when she divorced him and claimed CS. that she would be getting 2nd, 3rd and 4th child rates, because he was already and had been for many years paying CS for a 1st child.
To say she was shocked was an understatement.

I'd leave. It's very manipulative and controlling to with-hold such important information.
Your friend may not have chosen to have a relationship with someone who already had a child. Or she may have felt strongly that fathers should be involved with their DCs hence she wouldn't have had a relationship with someone who was an absent father, etc.
He took that decision making process away from her.
I wouldn't be able to forgive him for that.I also wouldn't be able to trust him.

a secret he wasn’t ready to tell

In other words, he lied until he thought he had her hooked, 'in love' to put up with his lie. What a cunt. I'd fucking dump him in two seconds flat. He deliberately lied to get her emotionally invested and basically condition her to accept his kid. He lied big time and spun it as something else. I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him, much less support him. Or any man who has a kid he hsan't been seeing or paying for. Twat.

Doesn't matter what you think or any of us on here, her decision and if you are a friend you'll be there for her.