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Original poster

Secret child

86 replies

Hp737 · 28/06/2019 14:16

Wwyd here? A friend of mine has jsut found out that her dp of 4 years has a secret child, who has just turned 5- he’s never met or had contact with her. He had always told dfriend there was “a secret he wasn’t ready to tell” about himself which she has vaguely wondered about to me sometimes but we never in a million years expected it to be something like this. He’s finally told her as a result of a “mental breakdown” and seems to expect everything to carry on as is- I believe he is going to seek contact with the child and dfriend is saying she will support him through it but what would you make of a guy capable of this? Would you stay? I’m livid on her behalf tbh. It’s a massive deception. I don’t want to give her bad advice but I feel shit for her.

OP posts:
ifonly4 · 28/06/2019 14:56

He's obviously got his reasons why it's not a known fact he didn't tell her. Sometimes people let problems eat away at them rather than deal with them. Also, he did tell her there was something he was holding back.

I'd want to know things like did he choose not to have any contact? If so, it could be that he's regretting that and has found it very hard to deal with, was worried what she would think, then worried he'd loose her, all of this could be part of the reason he's had a breakdown. If she thinks in a happy relationship which is worth fighting for, then yes try and support him through the breakdown and contact.

AryaStarkWolf · 28/06/2019 14:57

Telling your partner that you have a child is something that needs to be done straight away imo, not something that you hold back for 4 years.

Sewrainbow · 28/06/2019 14:58

Easy to say for me but I'd tell her to walk away. He was a coward for not standing by his child or their mother, for not paying tax

He's selfish for thi king it's ok to disrupt that child's life as HE is now ready for it, what about the child and mum?

Regardless of this though, for your friend I think it is the deceit for 4 years, he kept such a massive thing from her. He isn't the person she thought he was. She probably thought she new him, enough to want live with him etc he must have known it would change her opinion of him and that reinforces how cowardly he is in character/nature. Her whole life plan has changed now whether he contacts his child or not. This isn't just getting arrested as a teen for a minor misdemeanor or whatever else it could have been. It involves new people being part of her life that she doesn't even know at the moment. It would take a very strong relationship to withstand that and only she knows if what they have is enough...

Orangecake123 · 28/06/2019 14:59

It wouldn't be the fact that he had a child that would be a problem for me but denying it completely . 4 years together is not a small thing.

Twooter · 28/06/2019 15:00

Surely she must have suspected though? What else could the secret have been ? In prison? Killed someone? The time for leaving was when he told her he had a secret.

Breathlessness · 28/06/2019 15:00

Has he paid any money towards this child? Is he actively seeking contact with this child or is your friend the one talking about him getting access?

QueenofPain · 28/06/2019 15:02

“A secret i’m not ready to tell” would send my mind straight to prison sentence/secret wife/secret child/sex change etc.

What did you think it was gonna be? He once hit a hedgehog whilst driving?

BrendasUmbrella · 28/06/2019 15:03

I expect he tends to "set it right" with the gift of his presence every now and then.

Sometimes people let problems eat away at them rather than deal with them.

But this is a child, not an overdue bill. A child is not a "problem" to be dealt with.

QueenofPain · 28/06/2019 15:06

He was bloody 25, not 15!

I don’t know what a man could say to me that would make it acceptable for him to have completely abandoned a child when he was 25. I don’t think there would be anything.

You friend has got a bumpy road ahead, what if he starts having contact with child and their mum but your friend is excluded from it all?

pallisers · 28/06/2019 15:07

Bloody hell some women have such a low bar when it comes to their partners. She'll be on here in 5 years complaining that she's had his baby but he never seem them.

This. This would be a dealbreaker for me. First the lies and second the lack of contact/support to his own child.

And he waited until she was living with him and committed to suddenly discover an interest in his child - how convenient to start contact when he has a woman who can help him out. I'd be gone. But then I'd have been gone at a "secret I'm not ready to tell you". I suspect your friend has a very low bar if she tolerated this.

Original poster
Hp737 · 28/06/2019 15:08

Afaik he contacted the mum and has started paying maintenance. He has said he wants to be there for the child but will let the mum dictate the pace, and my dfriend is a really lovely person and says she wants to support him. I guess for me I see him totally differently now. We socialise a lot, dfriend has asked If I’d be a bridesmaid when they get married. and this revelation goes against everything I believe and I can’t really look at him the same way frankly. That’s not to say I won’t support my friend but for me this changes how I see him.
It does sound like he feels full of guilt and wants to be in the child’s life only if it is the right thing for the child but I have no idea of how the mum feels, I don’t know anything about the mum.

OP posts:
ravenousunicorn · 28/06/2019 15:09

I'd almost definitely leave. DH told me less than a week after we started chatting that he has a daughter. Obviously he still sees her, pays maintenance etc. I'd much rather someone was upfront about it, that way you can make an informed decision whether you'd like to continue dating (or in our case just chatting at the time) each other. It's not fair to just dump this on her now. It's also incredibly unfair on his DC and ex to just walk away! I couldn't stay with somebody who willingly walked away from their child!

QueenofPain · 28/06/2019 15:10

I’m absolutely flabbergasted at this complete man baby dragging all these women and a child into his pathetic soul searching and denial.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 28/06/2019 15:12

I probably wouldn't leave straight away because I wouldn't want the child to feel that I'd gone to avoid them, or to be the person who left because of a child. But it would be the end really, because I could never feel the same about a man who had hidden this from me.

Zbag · 28/06/2019 15:12

Cant stand men like him, he would be out the door instantly.

whatthehelldowecare · 28/06/2019 15:13

I had a very very similar situation with my own DP, although he told me about 5 months in to the relationship as soon as he was sure it was going somewhere. I'd actually found out through someone else before he told me, but kept quiet. He has another DD who I always knew about and to whom he is an amazing dad, and I just took the view that he must have his reasons for not telling me and it was early days.

The truth transpired to be a very complicated story and he made the decision at the time that as much as it hurts, it's better for the child that he's NC. I know it really hurts him, but he feels it's for the best.

The situation itself doesn't have to be a deal breaker, but to find out about it 4 years in, might have been for me

Juells · 28/06/2019 15:15

five for silver
six for gold
seven for a secret never to be told

Grin

I'm not trying to be mean, but how could you take anyone seriously who came out with such rubbish? Like something from a Victorian novel.

sunnyshowers · 28/06/2019 15:15

Happened to me.. 6 years together and child was 3...i was same as your dfriend
....but over a few months i changed my mind...when the shock wore off and all the questions came into my head.
In the end we finished. As much as i loved him i couldnt forget..

Juells · 28/06/2019 15:16

Jeeze, that's even worse!

SuperSara · 28/06/2019 15:27

Fucking hell.

I'm agog that anyone could even think about staying with such an utter fuckwit.

Christ on a bike... you might just about understand someone on a 3rd date telling you they had something they weren't ready to talk about but 4 fucking years? And the secret is a child?!

The mind truly boggles at what some women will consider forgiving.

She must be desperate, OP.

NewFoneWhoDis · 28/06/2019 15:30

No, if he really wanted to make amends he would back pay a decent maintenance that he never fucking bothered to pay for 5 years.

He's full of shite. No doubt he knows that someone will tell his girlfriend at some point so is getting in with some pathetically romanticised version that makes him look way better than he deserves.

diddl · 28/06/2019 15:31

" The time for leaving was when he told her he had a secret."

Tbh that's my thought as well.

Imo she's an utter desperate(?) fool to stay with him.

But then some women stay with utter twats, don't they-and have kids with them!

ImMeantToBeWorking · 28/06/2019 15:32

I have two half sisters who know nothing about me, apparently their mother does (not sure when my sperm doner told her), my own grandparents didn't even know about me (they are both dead now).

If he is anything like my real dad, he is embarrassed by his actions (he told me as much).

My mam told him about me when I was a few weeks/months old. He was to come and visit but never showed. Apparently he tried to find me in later years but mam married and my stepdad adopted me so our names changed.

Original poster
Hp737 · 28/06/2019 15:34

My friend is a really lovely person. He’s a nice guy as far as I know him. Very good looking which to be fair is why they got together but he’s been a fun and nice dp as far as she says, and for 4 years. I do think she could do better but that was before I knew this!

OP posts:
HarrysOwl · 28/06/2019 15:36

OP is this definitely a 'friend'? ....