Secret child

[Hp737]

Wwyd here? A friend of mine has jsut found out that her dp of 4 years has a secret child, who has just turned 5- he’s never met or had contact with her. He had always told dfriend there was “a secret he wasn’t ready to tell” about himself which she has vaguely wondered about to me sometimes but we never in a million years expected it to be something like this. He’s finally told her as a result of a “mental breakdown” and seems to expect everything to carry on as is- I believe he is going to seek contact with the child and dfriend is saying she will support him through it but what would you make of a guy capable of this? Would you stay? I’m livid on her behalf tbh. It’s a massive deception. I don’t want to give her bad advice but I feel shit for her.

Deal breaker I’m afraid. Financially abandoning a child is unacceptable.

Why would she believe a word he says about being a better person now, wanting to pay and have contact but at mother’s pace?

Can we have one of the new voting buttons please, with that - versus “for whatever reason the mother is back in touch and about to blow his lie sky high, and this is damage limitation from a snivelling little weasel”?

Your friend knows only ONE thing for certain about this man - that he’s a liar.

Well, two really - that he’s a liar that could walk away from his child.

Yeah, I’d marry that

He’s a liar.

If she must stay with him, forget weddings and just see how this plays out first.

I think your friend should just carefully observe from a distance over the next few months. So if her DP does pay maintenance, does see his child, doesnt badmouth the child's mum, then perhaps he has grown up and is going to be a responsible dad. But it will take time for that to become apparent. Not sure I would want to be involved or meeting the child until i was certain.

The man is a c#nt.

Nothing more unattractive than a man who does this to his own child, if I was ur friend the sight of him would repulse me, LTB

@HarrysOwl yes

I’d leave. WIthout a shadow of a doubt my ex 1 father to DC has never ever told anyone he is father - ever ever ever. Never acknowledged his children never paid a penny never tried to have contact - I wouldn’t trust a man my life who could do that ever. Ever. 4 years - so for four years since he has known her he has lied - a children is not a secret but family. If he can do it to his own child and ex partner god knows what is capable of. Bast@rd with no responsibility he’s an adult. Yah I’m fu&king livid and I don’t even know him. But yes dump and move on fast

I think in that case I would remove myself from giving any advice then, and concentrate on just being supportive.

Your friend is a mug if she stays with him, but she probably won't listen. She's just accepting his lying, who wants a relationship built on lies.

I imagine he figured if he had no contact with the child, the “problem” would go away. I would be pissed that he considered it a deep, dark secret, but more disturbed by the fact that he had no contact with the child in 5 years. He sounds like a right arsehole for that reason alone. I would advise your friend to run away and run fast. Her dp sounds like an irresponsible idiot.

I couldn't stay with someone who had pretty much walked away from the care and responsibility of their own child knowingly, and that made it even worse by not sharing this information with a significant other.

And for all the posters suggesting it would have been acceptable or understandable if he was really young ... bollocks ... I don't see young mothers being held to that standard. Just young fathers. Who ditch the young women and their own flesh and blood to let them go it alone. Awful.

The friend should be saying bye bye to the boyfriend. He has been stringing her along on a lie of what she thinks he is.
He abandoned his child, that's bad enough, then hes lied by omission. He wont treat your friend any better, he has shown her his hand.

Why dosent the woman concerned get ALL the facts about the matter before he is sent to the Gallows and the trapdoor sprung - Yes?..

What about his parents? Do they know they have a grandchild? Or did they already know and are complicit in the lie to your friend?

The child's not secret. Unless s/he is kept in a box and no one knows of his/her existence, not even the mother.

He has a child that he didn't tell his girlfriend about and that he doesn't seem to yet have a relationship with. The answers to why that is will dictate what your friend does.

@SorryDidISayThatOutLoud I don’t know tbh re his parents etc.

He's a pathetic excuse for a man and I'd have his bags packed and outside the door.

If he hasn't told your friend about something as important as another human, one who he fathered, what else hasn't he told her??

At least she knows now, there is a little boy in our area, everyone knows who his dad is except for his dads wife! They have a DD the exact same age as his son and he has never acknowledge him or told his wife, he is like his twin 🤦🏻‍♀️

How the fuck would you ever trust him again on anything- ever?

It's a pity he didn't tell your friend before they got serious, I think that is the biggest mistake he has made and for her to forgive. However, if they have been very happy and, basically, still are, they can surely move on from this revelation. It must be a great relief to him and the secret possibly contributed to his mental breakdown. It just depends on how your friend can deal with it.

He's not the only person to have had a child with an ex, if he wants to do the right thing by his daughter now, that is to his credit.

Some women have had a baby that they gave up for adoption and they never tell their partner, they carry the secret to the grave - which must be very difficult. I have sympathy with that because I was an adopted child and my birth mother never told anyone at all about me, whom she had aged 19, including her husband. Her parents and siblings knew but they didn't mention it to anybody, also they lived far away.

She died early last year at the age of 87 and at her funeral, it was mentioned (her sister and two nieces were at the funeral and said they were aware nobody knew but * had a daughter). A couple of really good friends couldn't believe that she'd never told them! Yet one friend said she'd talked about me - I sent her cards, the occasional letter and presents for Christmas and birthday - and thought I was a niece or cousin.

Yes I have had contact with friend, one wrote to me, I presume my address was given to her by the family, and since then there have been occasional e-mails. One of her nieces (my cousin) had a really big bereavement within her own family this year and I sent her a card and a letter. She was an executor of my mother's estate so her name and address were available but I didn't put my address on my letter because I didn't want her to feel obliged to write back, poor soul.

Anyway I didn't mean to go on about me :-)! Just wanted to illustrate that people do have secrets, often not things that are so terrible in the scheme of things; It doesn't make them bad people, however in the case of your friend's partner, it would have been better for him to tell her about the little girl long ago. That's hindsight. He's told her now and will feel better for it but it might take your friend a bit longer to come to terms with it, especially the fact that she was in the dark for so long.

I hope all works out for them.

Hp737, you are a good friend. Listen to your friend, let her pour it all out but don't offer advice. She has to make her own mind up about it.

for you, a good mate.

I wouldn't judge without knowing all the circumstances. It went NC from when she was pregnant so one can assume that the pregnancy came as a surprise. He hasnt been paying maintenance so clearly she hasn't pursued it either. For all everyone knows, they were about to separate, she decided to stop the pill without telling him and hoped a pregnancy would keep him. Feels bad about the lies hence not pursuing maintenance.

That, or many possible variances of what happened.

This all happened before he met her.
You have no reason to give her any advice as you don't know all the facts, although it does sound like you have already founf him guilty.. You should just listen and support.
A friend of my mothers had her child taken away when she was 16. She never told anyone for many many years before it finally all came out. she suffered a lot during those years and even now it is a traumatic experience for her.
Would all those here be calling her a coward / manipulative and the other disgraceful comments on here.
The man had a nervous breakdown show some compassion.

You know these news stories about a baby being left left in a plastic bag, or being found on a hospital staircase? You know the horrifying feeling they inspire you?

Well, that’s what he did. He is a child abandoner. He relied on the mum to pick up the pieces after he abdicated his most basic duties as a father.

You can judge him as you do the mums in those horrific new stories.

What he did was really, really low (and I’m weighing my words). Parents have equal responsibility for a child.

He is NOT a nice guy at all. Why wasn’t she dumping him when he was hinting at a secret. She maybe lovely but she is either a bit dim or desperate or both.

I suppose my immediate reaction is to judge. She’s devastated because it’s such a long deceit. I’m trying to get my head round it because I don’t know if there is ever a situation in which this could be justifiable, tbh I want no more to do with the guy right now. It seems so cold to not only disown your child but to lie for so long to your gf.