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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my dad he should just leave my mum

82 replies

Ginnymweasley · 28/06/2019 12:12

My mum has always being difficult. She likes to get her own way and when she doesnt then all hell breaks lose. She screams and shouts, throws things around etc like a toddler having a tantrum. There were many times that she ruined holidays etc by storming off. This is on top of the attitude that no one has it as hard as her, if your sick shes been sicker, if you are tired she's exhausted etc. This makes having a relationship with her very hard.
My dad although having his faults is generally easy going, works hard and really tries to get on with everyone on some level. They are opposite in so many ways.
Over the last couple of years my mums behaviour has got worse, the tantrums and sulks are becoming more frequent. A few days ago I found out that she threw a heavy object at my dad, he caught it so isn't injured and is downplaying it but I couldn't believe it. If she had hit him it could have really hurt him. The reason she threw it is because he arrived to pick her up from their holiday home early and she wanted to stay later. My dad is still working and is self employed so he wanted to get some work done when they got home. My mum is retired and doesnt drive but refuses to get the bus or train anywhere.
This is only 1 example, she in recent months has ruined a holiday by refusing to leave the hotel room and then screaming at my dad when he went out by himself. She has got mad at him for going to the cinema with a friend while she was away on holiday with her friends. The list goes on.
My dad is losing weight, he's working more when he should be working less cause she refuses to use her pension for bills. I'm really worried about him as he gets older.
I want to just tell him to leave her but I don't know if it's really my place to say anything.

OP posts:

Thehop · 28/06/2019 12:15

Jesus I’m so sorry. My mum was like this and when my poor dad died I felt so relieved for him that it was finally time for him to rest.

I’m VLC with her now, but I really wish I’d said something .

ShatnersWig · 28/06/2019 12:15

I would in your shoes. You would if it were your child.

MyOpinionIsValid · 28/06/2019 12:18

He wont leave her though will he, and there are many varied reasons for that. maybe he still loves her for all her faults, may be he's frightened.

But this is Domestic Violence, all you can do is give him the information, but its unlikely someone in their 60's will make the jump at this time of life.

YOU can call social services and raise a safeguard for your father, and they will investigate

Janus · 28/06/2019 12:18

I would have a gentle conversation because it may well be he’s staying with her ‘for the sake of the children’. Obviously you are a grown up but he may not want to disappoint you somehow. Hope the conversation goes well.

Snowy81 · 28/06/2019 12:20

Do we share a mum? Me and my sibling believe she has undiagnosed bipolar, ironically I was diagnosed 3 years ago with it. She refused to come to my sons christening, almost wrecked my brothers wedding, and the worst - we had a celebration for my son when he was 16 over achievements and she kicked off wrecking it. That was three years ago and I haven’t seen her since.

When her and my dad were together everyone listened to how bad my dad was, look at the bruise on her eye and so on. She started nearly all arguments, she was the one throwing things and smashing them up, she was the one hitting my dad. People think of domestic abuse as male towards female, people wouldn’t believe me as a child when I said it was my mum towards my dad.

In my opinion yes your dad should leave as it is never going to get better. You have my full sympathies I know how draining it is.

AtrociousCircumstance · 28/06/2019 12:20

Yes speak to him.

Sakura7 · 28/06/2019 12:25

You can say it, but don't be surprised if he appears to listen but doesn't take any of it on board.

Unfortunately he sounds like an enabler, and if he has put up with your mum's behaviour for this long, he's not likely to change his mind now. My dad was like this too, it's a sign of codependency. Ultimately he always put her wants and needs ahead of the rest of the family, no matter how awful she was.

You do have a choice about how you interact with your mother, and it sounds like very low contact is the answer.

Amibeingdaft81 · 28/06/2019 12:26

Out of interest, we’re you present during these events? Or is this your dad telling you?

Original poster

Ginnymweasley · 28/06/2019 12:32

I was present during some of them. I have seen her scream at him cause he has been 10 minutes late,or when he has had to cancel plans like when my aunt had a heart attack, he had to go help his older brother out and couldn't take her to the holiday home. I watched her throw her suitcase down the stairs while she told him to fuck off. My sister has also witnessed some of it. My dad did tell me about the throwing of the object but it sort of slipped out rather than him wanting to tell me. My dad isn't lying. He takes everything she throws at him. He is quite passive I suppose.

OP posts:

Amibeingdaft81 · 28/06/2019 12:32

Back in Feb you started a similar thread and you said that you’d told to dad yo leave your mum. So you’ve already done it

womaninthedark · 28/06/2019 12:33

My mother was volatile, my dad was aloof. We didn't find out until after she died that he adored her his whole life.

Original poster

Ginnymweasley · 28/06/2019 12:35

Your right i did but obviously he didn't listen. I just want to know if I should keep telling him or if I should just leave it. I'm watching my dad slowly disappear in front of me. He is miserable. Last time I spoke to him about leaving he just took it as a joke I suppose, he just said yeah and maybe i should go spend my retirement enjoying the peace at the beach or something like that. I dont think he thought i was serious.

OP posts:

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 28/06/2019 12:40

Your poor father!!!

Yanbu I would be actively supporting him to leave her.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 28/06/2019 12:44

If he was woman in the same situation I would say:-

You are not responsible for the abuse you are suffering
How you are being treated is not OK
If you want to LTB people will understand why
My door is always open and I won’t pressurise you to take steps when you don’t want to or aren’t ready.

Let your home be a safe place where he can talk and escape the pressure.

Jemima232 · 28/06/2019 12:46

You can only give him information and support, Ginny and the rest has to be up to him.

It's an awful situation for all the family.

Sakura7 · 28/06/2019 12:46

Yanbu I would be actively supporting him to leave her.

The problem is that he doesn't want to leave her.

I've been in this situation myself and it's like banging your head against a brick wall. It took my dad getting dementia and having to move into a nursing home to get any peace (awful as that sounds). He's more content now than I've ever seen him.

If it continues to get worse you could call social services. It sounds like your mother has a mental illness (mine did) and it may get her on their radar.

AnyFucker · 28/06/2019 12:48

He is in an abusive relationship. Poor man. Keep encouraging him to leave and reassuring him that there is a peaceful existence out there for him.

Janedoughnut · 28/06/2019 12:51

Could he come and stay with you for a while to give him a break. It also might shock your mother and maybe give her food for thought.

justasking111 · 28/06/2019 12:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 28/06/2019 12:52

I'm so sorry you and your df are going through this. My mum was similar in so many ways and my parents were married for 50 years. My mum died earlier this year, and it's like my dad is a different person, he's happy, has a wonderful social life and is living his life to the fullest. I'm so happy for him. I did try and tell him to leave once, and she also had an affair and he took her back even after I tried to convince him otherwise. You've just got to be there for him and let him make his own mind up

Original poster

Ginnymweasley · 28/06/2019 12:57

I have spoken to my mum before, her reaction. To call me a fucking bitch in front of my children. I live 2 hrs away when I visit it is usually with my children, if she is throwing things and shouting my 1st thought is to get my kids out of the house. Last time my sister spoke up, she slapped her. My sister now only sees her if she has to and never goes round to their house. My mum has depression although I'm convinced there is more to it than that.

OP posts:

Sakura7 · 28/06/2019 12:57

I am appalled you watch your father being abused and do nothing, you are all enablers imo.

That is completely unfair. All OP can do is be supportive, she can't force a grown adult to leave his wife. The police can be called if there's a violent incident but not for things like silent treatment and general nastiness. OP is obviously worried about her dad and your post is extremely unhelpful.

Sakura7 · 28/06/2019 12:58

OP your mother definitely has a mental illness. Call social services.

Sakura7 · 28/06/2019 13:01

Sorry for all the posts but just reacting to your latest update. What did your dad do when your mother hit your sister? Did he get involved or take sides?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 28/06/2019 13:02

Has your DM always been this bad or is it getting worse? It could well be deteriorating MH or early dementia?

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